


What if it never gets better?

by KrolenaT



Series: What if? [2]
Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2019-11-03 19:39:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 41,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17883935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrolenaT/pseuds/KrolenaT
Summary: Following the events of 'What if it's Ebola?': After their mission in Uganda was cut short by a tragic incident, Connor McKinley and Kevin Price moved to London to start anew.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The General might be dead, but he was not gone. Not entirely.

“So? How did it go?!” Connor jumped onto the bed beside Kevin, who was reading a book intently.

Kevin complained, “No street clothes on the bed. Connor, I’ve told you that a million times.”

Connor slid down the bed onto the hard wooden floor begrudgingly. Kevin never really cared about that when they were in Uganda.

“So, how did it go?” Connor repeated, his fingers tapping on the duvet covering Kevin's legs.

Kevin looked down at Connor, “How did what go?”

“Your first physio session!”

The doctor was optimistic that Kevin’s broken collarbone was going to heal fully, and that he was going to regain full use of his arm with time and effort. But he didn’t say that the road to recovery was going to be as quick and easy as Kevin had hoped.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you,” Connor apologised.

He would have gone, but Connor couldn’t bring himself to turn down the chance to audition at a prestigious performing arts school. Not that Kevin would even let him.

“Don’t worry about it, you had better things to do anyway,” Kevin shrugged, returning his focus onto his book.

Connor tugged at the duvet, “You haven’t answered my question.”

“It sucked, okay?” Kevin sighed, “How did your audition go?”

“Oh. Umm…it went okay I guess? They’ll get back to me in a few weeks.”

They seemed to like Connor a lot. But that didn't really mean anything until he receives the letter of admission.

“Mmm,” Kevin nodded absentmindedly, “I’m sure you’ll get in. You’re the best performer I know.”

Connor raised an eyebrow, “And I know for a fact that I’m the only one you know.”

“You don’t know that.”

“But I do know that,” Connor cleared his throat, “Do you…want to talk about it?”

“Do I want to talk about what?”

It was like pulling teeth. Gosh.

“Why did it suck? If it’s the therapist, I’m sure they can pair you up a new one if you asked?”

Kevin shook his head, “No, it’s not that. Anthony was great. I like him a lot.”

Huh. The next opportunity Connor got, he was going to meet this Anthony guy.

Anthony probably wasn’t gay, was he?

“Then what’s the matter? What happened?”

“Nothing happened. That’s why it sucked. It’s still fucking useless. I still can’t do shit. I can’t even hold that stupid ball...thing,” Kevin adjusted the sling around his neck, “I hate being useless.”

“You’re not useless,” Connor argued, “You did help to clean up the whole house yesterday.”

“It’s just vacuuming. I’m not THAT useless,” Kevin scoffed.

Connor realised that ever since they had come to London, he had been busy with taking all sorts of classes and preparing for auditions. And with both his parents working in the day, Kevin was mostly left to his own devices.

Connor snatched the book away from Kevin’s hand, “You know what? Let’s go out!”

“What? Like, now?”

Connor nodded excitedly, “Yes, now. It’s a dinner date! Wear something nice.”

He opened up Kevin’s wardrobe, and sifted through his clothes to find something suitable for his boyfriend.

“How nice are we talking? Because the only formal wear I have is my missionary uniform and I sure as hell am not wearing that,” Kevin watched warily from the bed.

Most of Kevin’s stuff had been left behind in Utah. He wasn't exactly planning on wearing anything but the missionary uniform during the mission when he was packing. Connor wouldn’t be surprised if they were in the bin by now. His parents were the absolute worst.

Kevin has added a few more pieces of clothing to his wardrobe since they came to London, but he was still self-conscious about spending money that wasn’t his. Connor had to spend an hour trying to convince Kevin to just get that dang sweater he had been eyeing ever since they entered the store. Connor's family wasn't wealthy, but they were comfortable, and they sure as heck could certainly afford a Mickey Mouse sweater for Kevin.

Connor held out a black button up shirt and a pair of jeans, “Get dressed.”

“Connor...I don’t want to-”

“Shush. I’m inviting you to spend my money with me.”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor let out a content sigh as they strolled along River Thames. Dinner was amazing, the view was amazing, and the company...well, Kevin seemed happy.

The chilly autumn breeze on his face was a stark contrast to warm and humid Uganda.They have been here for almost three weeks and yet, Connor still hasn’t gotten used to living in London. There was a lot more people in London than Salt Lake City, that was for sure, and the population was also a lot more diverse. But he has been enjoying it thus far.It was everything that Connor had looked forward to, and more.

Connor pulled them towards an empty bench by the river, “Let’s sit here for a while.”

Kevin turned to Connor suddenly, “Did you know that they actually found seahorses living in the river?”

“Really?” Connor didn’t know that.

“Uh huh. I read about it,” Kevin smiled, “Hey, thanks. For dinner. It was nice.”

Connor beamed back, “We should do this more often. I'm sorry I haven't had much time to spend with you lately.”

"It's alright, Connor," Kevin yawned and laid his head on Connor’s shoulder.

“Tired? We can head back.”

“Nah, let's stay for a while more,” Kevin snuggled in closer.

Kevin’s quality of sleep didn’t improve with leaving Uganda. He was still plagued with bad dreams at night. More often than not, Connor would be woken up by Kevin’s distressed moans or gasping breaths in the middle of the night.

If his parents noticed him spending most of his nights in Kevin’s room, they didn’t mention it. At least not yet.

Connor knew that Kevin hadn’t mentioned it to the doctor, or anyone else, not even Connor. Even though Kevin knew that Connor knew.

“Kev?” 

“Hmm?”

“Do you think you should…you know, let the doctor know about your…not sleeping well at night?”

“It’s not that bad.”

“It is bad, Kevin,” Connor insisted, “Last night was pretty bad.”

Kevin frowned, “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry?” Connor was confused.

“For waking you up. Maybe you should sleep in your room instead.”

“That’s not my point, Kev,” Connor rolled his eyes.

Kevin thought bout it for a moment.

“Do you think it’ll help?”

“If it doesn’t, at least we’ve tried, right? They don’t seem to be getting any better on their own.”

Kevin scoffed, “You mean ‘I’ don’t seem to be getting better.”

“Do you feel better? Now that we’re here?” Connor asked.

“I think so?” Kevin looked down at the ground, “The thing is, I don’t really remember what ‘better’ feels like. I don’t remember how I used to be before…before everything. Seemed like ages ago.”

Connor shrugged, “Maybe they can help you to make sense of what you’re feeling. Couldn’t hurt, right? And they could prescribe you something to make you feel better.” Connor backtracked when realised how he might have come across, “I’m not saying that so you’re messed up that you need to be all drugged up in order to function, but if it helps well...I think it’s okay, just not…uh…I’m just gonna stop talking. Yeah.”

Kevin laughed lightly at Connor's fumbling

“Yeah, maybe.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor didn’t know if bringing the issue up made it worse, or whatever it was. But it was three in the morning when Kevin woke up screaming at the top of his lungs.

He has never done that before.

Saying that Connor was startled awake was an understatement. He practically fell out of bed, heart pounding against his ribcage, thinking that they were being murdered.

“Geesh, Kev,” Connor gasped as he got up from the floor, “Are you okay?”

His parents came running through the door, “What’s wrong?”

Kevin looked mortified, “I’m- I’m so sorry.”

“What happened?” Connor’s father asked.

“I just had a bad dream,” Kevin gulped, “I’m sorry I woke everyone up," He mumbled to himself, "I can’t believe I did that.”

“That sounded like an awful dream, Kevin,” His mother frowned in concern, “Do you have nightmares often?”

Kevin scrubbed a hand across his face, “I’m sorry. I'm fine.”

Connor ushered his parents off to bed as they were hovering awkwardly in the room, “It’s okay. We’ll be fine. Go back to bed.”

That did nothing to diminish their looks of concern, but they obliged.

Connor closed the door behind them, "You scared the heck out of me."

“Fuck,” Kevin flopped back down onto the bed, “I’m sorry.”

Connor climbed onto the bed beside Kevin, “I know it’s the middle of the night, but do you wanna talk about it?”

“And interrupt your sleep further? You have class in the morning, Connor. Go back to sleep,” Kevin turned away from Connor.

Connor could only drop it. He couldn’t help if Kevin didn’t want it.

He was about to drift off when he heard quiet sobs coming from the other side of the bed. That he couldn’t ignore.

“Kevin?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?” Even Connor was sick of asking the same question over and over.

Kevin turned over onto his back, “What if it never gets better?”

“What if I never get better?”


	2. Chapter 2

Connor let Kevin sleep, while he went down to join his parents for breakfast. They were going to have questions. Connor knew that the questions stemmed from their concerns over Kevin’s well-being, but Connor wished that he didn’t have to be the one answering all the hard questions. Questions like ‘What actually happened in Uganda?’. Because then, Connor would have to admit that he had lied all those times when he told them that they were perfectly safe in the village.

“Good morning,” Connor grabbed the milk from the fridge.

His dad was reading the news on his phone, like always, while his mom handed Connor a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast.

“How is he doing?” She asked.

Connor nodded, “We went back to sleep. It’s fine. Well, it’s not fine, but it’s not new. He’s had awful nightmares for a while now.”

“Do you know why?”

Connor didn’t know why, not really. He still didn’t know what happened to Kevin that day, when he went to The General’s camp.

All he knew was that Kevin was different after that. He was still mostly Kevin, but he was somehow lesser. Less optimistic, less brash, less naive. It was as if his outlook on life had been irreversibly altered. All the Elders had noticed it, but nobody dared to ask, not even Arnold.

“He’s seen some messed up stuff,” Connor sighed, “The warlord, he did horrible, horrible things.”

His dad looked up at him in concern, “What about you, Connor? Do you have nightmares too?”

Connor hadn’t thought about himself before. Was he also traumatised by the things he had seen on his mission? Connor felt fine. Normal. But like Kevin had said, what did normal actually feel like?

“Sometimes,” Connor took a bite out of his toast, “But it’s normal to have nightmares, right?”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“This is Anthony,” Kevin introduced.

“Hi,” The guy held out his hand.

Anthony was tall, dark, and handsome. And Connor was...staring.

Connor wiped his own hands against his pants and took Anthony’s hand, “Nice to meet you.”

“This is Connor.”

“Ah, so you’re the boyfriend.”

Connor wondered if people would break their arms on purpose just to have therapy sessions with Anthony. He wouldn’t be surprised if they did.

“I guess I am,” Connor laughed.

“Will you be staying for the session?” Anthony helped to remove Kevin’s sling, “There’s a waiting room down the hall if you’d prefer to wait there. The tea in there is not too bad.”

Connor looked to Kevin for an answer.

“Stay?”

And so Connor stayed.

“Have you been doing the homework I’ve given you?”

“Yep.”

“You had homework?” Connor blurted out, “I didn’t see you do it?”

“Hey, just because you didn’t see it, doesn’t mean I didn’t do it,” Kevin retorted, “See, I’m doing it right now and you can’t even tell.”

Connor frowned in confusion. Kevin wasn’t doing anything- Oh. Connor’s gaze landed on his hand opening and closing into a loose fist.

“It was just that?”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “Ignore Connor. He has a tendency to behave badly in front of medical professionals.”

Connor blushed in embarrassment. That was unfortunately not entirely false.

Watching Kevin do his exercises was frankly, quite worrying. He could tell that Kevin was trying his hardest, but his hand just wasn’t obeying commands from his brain.

“Now, squeeze the ball as hard as you can,” Anthony instructed.

Kevin was getting increasingly frustrated when his fingers barely made a dent on the soft exercise ball.

“Can you go any further?”

Kevin snapped, “I’m trying!”

He was right, physio did suck.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Anthony finished the session by manoeuvring Kevin’s arm around his shoulder, “You know, if you want, Connor, I can teach you how to do this at home. It can help improve the range of movement in Kevin’s shoulder.”

Connor couldn’t possibly do that! What if he hurt Kevin? What if he broke Kevin?

Kevin chuckled, “Look at your face. It’ll be an achievement if you managed to break anything,” He read Connor’s mind perfectly.

“Kevin!”

“Alright, we’re done for today,” Anthony announced, “Just remember to keep doing those exercises at home, and I’l see you on Friday then?”

Kevin nodded, “Thanks,” he held up a hand in front of Connor, “I’ll meet you downstairs, I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Sure.”

Connor was left alone with Anthony, who was packing up, “So, is that considered normal?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Anthony paused.

“Kevin’s progress.” Or the lack of it, really.

“Well…usually clavicle fractures are pretty straightforward, most people don’t even need surgery for it to heal. But I’m sure the doc has explained the complications in Kevin’s case?”

Connor nodded. He winced at the imagery when the doctor had used words like ‘bone fragments’ and ‘torn muscles’.

“Most people don’t fracture their clavicle twice in a month. And by most people, I mean that I’ve never seen anyone do that before to be honest. The good news is, nothing seems to be permanently damaged. It may take some time, but he should recover fine.”

“Seems? Should?”

“You can never be a hundred percent certain when it comes to the human body. Our bodies are fragile, but resilient at the same time. Unfortunately, some of my patients just never healed right. There’s no guarantee, and we cannot always predict the outcomes correctly, especially when it involves nervous damage.”

Connor supposed that was true. It wasn’t what he had hoped to hear though.

“Kevin told me that it happened in Africa?”

“Yeah. We were in Uganda.”

“Sounds dangerous,” Anthony looked intrigued.

“It was. It’s a very different place.”

“Why would you even go there then? To see the gorillas?”

Connor wished they had actually seen some gorillas, “No, actually, we were Mormon missionaries.”

Anthony was taken aback, “Oh. Wow. Really?!”

Connor waved in dismissal, “But we’re not Mormons anymore, it’s a long story.”

“I bet,” Anthony smiled warmly.

“Yeah, it was a crazy few months,” Connor reminisced.

Anthony took a step towards Connor, “I’d love to hear the story sometime.”

Connor fidgeted under Anthony’s steady gaze, “Maybe. Someday. Anyway, I should get going. It was nice meeting you. And thanks for helping Kevin.”

“I’m just doing my job. Will I see you again?”

Connor shrugged, “Probably. If Kevin let me.”

Anthony winked, “Well then, I’ll see you again. Connor.”

Connor nodded and almost stumbled on his way out of the room.

What was that?!

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Is he gay?” Connor asked when they were on the tube home.

He was still a little weirded out by the interaction he had with Anthony.

Kevin’s head swivelled around, “What?”

“Your physical therapist. Is he gay?”

“How the hell would I know? Does it matter?” Kevin furrowed his brows in confusion.

“I guess it doesn’t.”

Kevin narrowed his eyes at Connor, “I know it doesn’t. Why do you ask?”

“No reason.”

“Uh huh,” Kevin remained unconvinced, “Why, is he your type? He mentioned once that he does underwear modelling on the side, can you imagine?”

“Oh, umm…interesting,” Connor laughed nervously at the mental picture, “And no, I’m not leaving you for your hot therapist.”

“Ah hah,” Kevin wagged his finger at Connor, “So you do admit that he is your type.”

“No,” Connor denied, “My type is sitting right beside me.”

Kevin smirked, “Correct answer. Unless, you’re referring to that bald old guy over there.”

Connor checked the seat on his other side and sure enough, there was an elderly man doing a sudoku puzzle beside him.

“Gosh, no,” Connor guffawed.

Kevin pulled on Connor’s hand, “Will you come with me on Friday?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Depends. Are you going to start falling in love with Anthony?” Kevin joked.

Connor snorted, “Don’t be ridiculous,” and then added, “I mean, I’d need to check if he’s gay first.”

Kevin hit him on his thigh, “Fucker.”

“Ow,” Connor yelped.

“I’m seeing the doctor on Friday too…I should tell him about the other stuff.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure. I’ll come with you,” Connor promised.

Connor pondered about what his parents had said.

“Do you think I need help too?”

“What? Do you?”

Connor didn’t know how to put it in words, “I don’t know. Am I normal?”

“I can’t tell you that, Connor. Only you would know. But like you said, what harm is there in telling someone else?”

Kevin offered, “I could tell you how it feels like for me though.”

Connor sat up straighter as he listened.

Kevin chewed on his bottom lip, “My nightmares...as I’ve told you before, they are more like memories than made-up dreams. And it felt real, even after I wake up, like it had just happened. Or so my body thinks anyway. I know I’m safe, but I can’t stop feeling panicked. Sometimes, it happens when I’m awake too. It’s not too bad when that happens, I usually can snap out of it quickly enough. Basically, I just feel like this, all of this, is kinda preventing me from living my life properly or something.”

Connor gaped. He felt like an idiot. His nightmares paled in comparison to Kevin’s.

“I’ve never noticed,” Connor admitted, feeling like he failed Kevin somehow.

“I know you haven’t,” Kevin gave a half-smile, “Like I said, it’s not too bad in the daytime. I’ve learnt how to cope with them. Except for times when...well, you know. You’ve seen what happens.”

Connor remembered the occasions when Kevin came apart at the seams during their time in Uganda. It was something he never wanted to witness ever again. His heart breaks every single time.

“Connor?”

“Yes?”

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

Connor laughed in disbelief, “Are you kidding me?”

“I mean it. It doesn’t help. It just makes me feel…less normal.”

Connor frowned, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way? You should’ve told me.”

“I’m telling you now, alright?”

“Alright. But I can’t promise anything. I care about you.”

Kevin had a sad expression on his face, “I know.”


	3. Chapter 3

The moment Connor walked through the front door, he was greeted with peals of laughter. He hadn’t heard Kevin laugh like that in a long while.

Connor found Kevin laid across the couch in the living room, phone to his ear.

“Hey?” Connor lifted an eyebrow in question.

“Connor! Connor’s home. Do you wanna talk to him? Hold on a sec,” Kevin held out his phone.

Connor took the phone and studied the caller ID.

It was from the Uganda mission hut. Of course, it was. Who else would Kevin be calling?

“Hello?”

Arnold’s voice boomed over the line, “McKinley!”

“Oh, hey Arnold! How is life over in Uganda?”

“It’s great! Everything’s almost back to normal.”

“How’s Nabulungi?” Connor shrugged off his jacket.

“She’s...okay,” Arnold replied, “Oh! Oh! As I was telling Kev; Nabu and I are getting married!”

“What?!”

“Yes! In three months’ time! And then I’ll be able to bring Nabu home! How awesome is that?!”

Connor was elated for the couple, “Congratulations, Arnold.”

Arnold sighed wistfully, “I wished you guys could come and attend the wedding. Kevin was supposed to be my best man! But I guess Poptarts will have to do.”

“I’m not promising anything, Arnold, but I’ll see what I can do about that,” Connor supposed that they could work something out, right?

Connor glanced at Kevin, who was watching him curiously.

“Really?!” Arnold yelled in exhilaration.

Connor flinched away from the phone, “Well, don’t get too excited yet. I’ll let you know what our plan is.”

“You’re the best, McKinley! Oh crap, I gotta go meet Nabu, I’m late! Tell Kev bye!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Connor laughed, “Bye, Arnold.”

Connor hung up and handed the phone back.

“What was that?” Kevin asked.

Connor plopped himself down onto the couch beside Kevin, “I just told Arnold that we’ll see about attending his wedding with Nabulungi.”

“Oh. Umm...I’ve already told him that I can’t make it.”

Connor shrugged, “Well, the wedding isn’t until three months later, there’s still time to plan and save up.”

It wasn’t impossible.

Kevin shook his head adamantly, “I can’t.”

“If this is about the money, don’t worry about it. I can pick up more shifts at the cafe-”

“It’s not just because of that.”

It made no sense that Kevin wouldn’t want to attend their best friends’ wedding.

“Then what is it?”

Kevin looked up at the ceiling, “I just- Mafala was supposed to be there. He was supposed to walk Nabulungi down the aisle and now-,” He took a deep breath, “I can’t.”

Connor assumed that Kevin was feeling better, that he wasn’t still hung up on feeling guilty over things which were entirely out of his control. It certainly wasn’t his fault in the slightest either. He wasn’t the one who made The General pull the trigger. The General was the one to blame. And now he’s dead. He got what he deserved. It had nothing to do with Kevin. But Kevin just couldn’t seem to get over that.

Connor couldn’t even enjoy this one joyous occasion with Kevin. He was really looking forward to celebrating Arnold and Nabulungi's love with the love of his life.

“Kevin, you’re literally the only person who blames you for anything,” Connor tried, “I have no doubt Nabulungi would want you to be there.”

“I miss them. I love them,” Kevin pushed himself up from the couch, “But I’m not going, Connor. I can’t bring myself to.”

Connor tagged behind as Kevin exited the living room.

“It’ll be better for everyone if I didn’t go. I don’t want to ruin anything.”

“How?” Connor huffed in exasperation, “How are you going to ruin anything?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not in such a great place right now. I don't wanna bring everyone down with me.”

Connor would have been blind to not notice that. Kevin wasn’t happy. He hasn’t been for a long while. Sure, he would laugh at Connor’s jokes, smile as he talked to Connor’s parents, and beam when Connor says ‘I love you’. But something was definitely lacking.

“So what? You’re just going to cut everyone off?” He didn’t want to sound irritated, “And not see them ever again?”

“I didn’t say that.”

It was like talking to a wall when it came to Kevin, and Connor found it immensely frustrating. He had to remind himself that it wasn’t Kevin’s choice be like that. Kevin couldn’t help it. Kevin had issues. Connor really, really shouldn’t allow himself to get mad. But like always, his mouth had other plans.

“I’m getting really tired of this,” Connor let slip.

Kevin stopped dead in his tracks.

Oh poop. Wait, he hadn’t-

Kevin turned around, his eyes darkened, “Took you long enough.”

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean that,” Connor wrung his hands, “I’m just-”

“Tired of this? Tired of me?”

Connor denied vehemently, “No! Of course not!”

Kevin smiled. It was not a nice smile.

“That’s not what I meant,” Connor reached out and grabbed Kevin’s hand, “I’m just worried.”

“You keep saying that,” Kevin said pointedly, pulling his hand out of Connor's grip, “I’m starting to think that it has become an excuse for you to take your frustrations out on me.”

“What? That’s ridiculous,” Connor scoffed, “You think I’m lying about how much I care about you?”

His boyfriend was being absurd. How could Kevin think that?!

Kevin looked straight at Connor, “Tell me this: Are you worried, or are you just mad?”

“I’m-,” Right now, Connor was angry, mostly. Not at Kevin, but at their situation. He was angry at a dead warlord for ruining their lives, for everything that has happened. He was angry that they couldn't even attend their best friends' wedding without being reminded of the brutality of The General.

“I'm sorry.”

Kevin studied him for a moment, before he nodded, “Just so you know, I’m mad at me too.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

Kevin just shrugged, “You can still go, you know.”

“Wouldn’t be the same without you,” Connor sighed.

Three months. Connor had three months to convince Kevin.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor’s parents hadn’t brought up how Connor was spending most of his nights in Kevin’s room, until now.

“Oh em gosh, mom! We aren’t doing anything!” Connor's face felt very warm.

They really weren’t doing anything other than sleeping. Kevin hadn’t initiated anything more than their usual kissing and cuddling, and Connor hadn’t wanted to push. He was content with the status quo.

This was a talk he never got from his parents, and never wanted to ever get. But it was too late, his parents had started a whole spiel about how good boys should remain chaste till marriage.

“At least we won’t have to worry about unplanned babies huh,” Connor’s father joked, earning a glare from his mother.

Connor glanced across the table at Kevin, looking as mortified as he was.

“I thought we weren’t Mormons anymore,” Connor grumbled into his cereal.

His mother shook her head, “This isn’t about religion, hon. Don’t you want to save this precious gift for the special someone? To make the meaning of marriage even more special? I just don’t want you to do something that you'll regret later.”

Kevin WAS that special someone for Connor. There was no one else Connor would rather spend the rest of his life with. But he didn’t want this conversation to continue on for any longer than it already was.

“If I say ‘fine’, will you drop it?” Connor pleaded.

She looked over to her husband.

“You are using protection, right?” Connor's father narrowed his eyes at the both of them.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“How’s that for a conversation to start the day off with, huh?” Connor blew out a breath of relief as they stepped out of the house.

“It’s cute how they think that you’re getting some,” Kevin smirked.

“Well, I’m not,” Connor huffed.

“Do you...uh...want to?”

“What? Have sex?!” Connor said a little too loudly, earning a few head turns from fellow pedestrians.

“You just sounded like you wished you were…you know,” Kevin gestured with his hand.

“Oh no no no.”

“So you don’t want to have sex with me?”

“What?” Connor shrieked, “No! I mean, yes! No! That’s...that’s...”

Kevin laughed at his fumbling.

They have never discussed this. And of course, there was no better time than to do this now, in public, while on their way to the doctor’s appointment, right?

Connor cleared his throat, “What about you?”

He didn’t know what to think when Kevin didn’t answer.

“Could you...,” Kevin frowned in thought, “Let me think about it for a bit?”

“You can take all the time you need,“ Connor raised both his hands.

“Thank you,” Kevin said sincerely.

“Geesh, Kev. One might think I’m forcing you to have sex with me,” Connor tried to joke, but it fell flat when Kevin didn’t respond.

Kevin had an unreadable expression on his face. Had Connor said something wrong? He seemed to be saying all the wrong things recently.

“I mean...we don’t even have to do anything, if you’d rather not,” Connor clarified hastily, “You know what, we don’t even need to do it like, ever. Why do we need to have sex anyway, it’s not like we’re trying to make a baby or-”

“Connor just stop talking,” Kevin looked amused.

“I swear, my mouth has a mind of its own these days.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Isn’t that cool, you get a therapist for your mind, in addition to the one for your body, for free! Universal healthcare is amazing, I have to say,” Connor studied the mental health pamphlet given by Kevin’s doctor.

“Cool isn’t the word I’d use,” Kevin scoffed.

“Do you think your new therapist will be as good looking as Anthony?”

“Oh my god, stop with the Anthony thing already,” Kevin groaned.

Connor smirked, “Is someone getting jealous?”

“Why the fuck will I be jealous? He doesn’t have anything on me,” Kevin said coolly.

Connor was enjoying having the old Kevin back, even for a moment.

“No offense, but you only have a working arm right now. Anthony has two.”

“Why do you need a boyfriend with two arms anyway? Don’t you already have two of your own?”

“I guess…I don’t need a boyfriend with arms,” Connor nodded slowly, before the both of them burst out laughing at the same time.

When the laughter died down, they were looking right into each other’s eyes. Kevin's mouth was quirked slightly, and he was all that Connor could see, never mind that they were on the public transport, surrounded by hundreds of strangers in close proximity.

Was it normal to fall in love with a person over and over again? Connor sometimes found himself being transported all the way back in time to the very first time he set eyes on Kevin Price, when his heart started beating twice as hard, and he felt queasy from all the butterflies in his stomach. He still couldn't believe how lucky he was. Kevin was here, with him.

“Everything’s going to be alright, you’ll see,” Connor placed a kiss on Kevin’s cheek.

“How do you know that?”

“Because you,” Connor pointed at Kevin, “Kevin Price, are the strongest person I’ve ever known. And you’re absolutely right, Anthony the underwear model has nothing on you.”

"Pretty sure that's not the title Anthony would rather have gone with. The guy has a masters in physical therapy, after all."

"You seem to know a lot about him, don't you?" Connor teased.

“Stop it," Kevin placed a hand on Connor’s arm, “Connor. I think I owe you an explanation.”

“What are you-”

“No, just-,” Kevin stopped him, “Listen. Before I start telling some stranger about what happened in Uganda, I think I should…,” He took a deep breath, “I want to tell you what happened first.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up: Kevin talks about his ordeal. Chapter contains non-graphic descriptions of violence and sexual assault.  
> Plot-wise, it's okay to skip it, if you wish.

It went from ‘let’s do it after Anthony’s session’, to ‘after we get home’, to ‘after dinner’, to the present moment with the both of them sitting and facing each other on the bed, at one a.m.. Connor needed to wake up in just five hours’ time, to start his morning shift at the cafe, but he wasn’t complaining. If sacrificing a few hours of his sleep was what Kevin needed from Connor, he would gladly live a sleep-deprived existence tomorrow.

“You know, we don’t need to do this,” Connor wasn’t sure that he wanted to know himself.

“This is pathetic,” Kevin ran a hand through his hair in frustration, “If I can’t even talk about it, how the fuck do I expect to get better?”

Connor squeezed Kevin’s hand in encouragement. It took another few minutes of silence before Kevin gathered enough courage to start talking.

“That day,” Kevin inhaled deeply, “After you guys left the bus stop, I was so confused. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what God wanted me to do,” he rolled his eyes.

“I was frantic. I was lost. I was trying to find meaning in being sent to Uganda. I thought that I was destined to do something great, something incredible. Something incredibly stupid more like it,” Kevin laughed humourlessly.

“I thought to myself, ‘What the fuck, go big or go home, right?’ Well at that time, I still believed that Heavenly Father is watching over me. Nothing bad can happen to me if I just have faith,” Kevin snorted, "What a load of bullshit."

“I went to the camp, so sure that it was God’s will. I wasn’t even afraid or anything. I was so fucking excited.”

Kevin took a gulp of water.

Connor's grip on his pillow tightened.

“They laughed at me in the beginning, when I was proselytizing them. And then I guess I started getting on their nerves. They umm…He grabbed me and dragged me into this small room, with nothing but a table in the middle. I thought they were going to kill me. They said that they were going to kill me. But not before...not before everyone umm…got their turn...with me,” Kevin looked down at his lap.

Connor has never heard anything more horrendous. Deep down he had a hint of what had happened, but hearing Kevin say it out loud was- Connor felt sick.

“He...umm,” Kevin stammered, “He went first. And I couldn’t move an inch. I was just frozen. Even when they finally let go of my arms, I couldn’t...And then he...umm...I’m gonna spare you the details,” Kevin blew out a shuddering breath.

Connor could see the tremors running through Kevin’s frame. He placed a tentative hand on Kevin’s back, afraid of how Kevin might respond to his touch.

“Anyway, I umm,” Kevin reached out for his glass of water again with a shaky hand. Connor beat him to it, “Thanks."

He took another gulp of water, "He umm...I- After he was...done, I tried to run. But I couldn’t even get my legs to work, I just- I was...hurt. They tried to get me off the floor, but they were laughing so hard. I knew that if I didn’t get up and run, I was a dead man. So I punched someone in the dick, and he went down. The others laughed some more. I got some hits on them and they landed some hits on me. I realised that they weren’t really putting their mind into it, you know? It was as if they were just playing with me like some stray kitten. But for me it was life or death. I was- I’ve never felt so- They tried to push me back onto the table, and I just...something broke within me, I knew I couldn’t go through that again. I started kicking and punching anyone and anything,” Kevin became almost mechanical in his delivery, like he was narrating it from a script.

“I don’t even remember how I fought my way out. What I do remember: He was just standing there, watching, with a smile on his face. I’ll never forget that look, it’s all I see in my nightmares.”

Kevin pursed his lips as he deliberated, “After that, it’s all just bits and pieces. I remember running through the forest. All I could think of was how they were going to catch up with me and they were going to…push me back onto that table. I think I passed out somewhere along the way. When I woke up, I was already at Gotswana’s. One of the guys found me. By then, it was too late for me to go back to the hut. Well, I couldn’t really walk anyway, so I ended up spending the night there. Gotswana stayed in the clinic with me."

"I don’t think he has ever done that for anyone before, I should feel honoured," Kevin actually laughed.

Connor stopped Kevin by grabbing his hand. Kevin was scaring him.

This wasn't the behaviour he would expect from someone recounting a traumatic event. But what did Connor know, right? Maybe this was some kind of defence mechanism, detaching himself from the horrendous ordeal he had gone through.

"What?"

"I just-," Connor shook his head, "Do you want to stop?"

Kevin shrugged, "I've finished. I went back to the mission hut the next day, and you know the story from there as well as I do."

Connor never even noticed that Kevin hadn't returned to the mission hut that night. He just assumed that Kevin was sulking in his room all night, and all of the following day. Arnold didn't even say anything about Kevin being missing. The next time Connor saw Kevin, it was when the mission president arrived later that evening.

Connor only realised that something bad has happened when Connor saw the bruises, three whole days after the whole mission president fiasco. They didn’t exactly see much of Kevin after the presentation by the villagers. He was out of sight, and out of mind. Connor still recalled feeling glad that Kevin was not around to distract him from his work. How messed up was that?

He couldn’t even fathom how scared and alone Kevin must have felt. Nobody went to search for him, nobody even sounded the alarm that he was missing. Kevin could have been murdered, and they wouldn’t have known where to start looking.

“Kevin, I am so so sorry.”

Kevin tilted his head in question.

“I didn’t even notice that you were gone!” He could feel tears prickling his eyes. The guilt of abandoning Kevin was eating him up.

“To be honest, I was angry at all of you, at you and Arnold especially, for not giving a fuck about me. For leaving me to die,” Kevin frowned, “I screamed, Connor. I screamed so loudly, but nobody came.”

Kevin snapped his fingers, “Then I realised it was all my own damn fault that I got into the mess in the first place. I practically asked for it, didn’t I?”

“Gosh, no!”

Kevin held up his hand, “I know, I know, you disagree. But the truth is I deser-”

Connor cut him off with a fierce hug. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear Kevin say that he deserved what happened, all because of what? Because he wanted to live up to the expectations set by his parents and the Church? Because of all the misguided lies he had been fed since he was a kid?

Connor was the one who broke down. This was all too much. There were so many things he could’ve done to prevent this, but he did nothing. And as a result, Kevin was brutally assaulted. Kevin’s life was changed forever, because Connor couldn’t be bothered. Because Connor was busy. Because Connor had fudging data entry and paperwork to do!

He felt like a loser, to be crying like a baby when Kevin was the one who had it so much worse. Kevin had to be the one comforting him, rubbing circles onto his heaving back.

“This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Three days after the mission president left, Connor was working alone in the mission hut, while the other Elders were helping out in the village. He had been through a rollercoaster of emotions throughout the past few days: elated at their rising number of baptisms, excited at the arrival of the mission president, horrified at the cluster fudge which was the pageant, crushed when he saw the letter from the church, and hopeful when all of them decided to band together and stay in Uganda despite being excommunicated. And on that day, he was feeling extremely stressed. What were they going to do now? How were they going to make this work?

Connor thought he was alone, until he was startled by a loud clang coming from the kitchen. When he went out to investigate, he found Kevin picking up their metal kettle from the floor.

“Elder Price! Are you okay? Did you get burned?”

“No, I’m okay. I haven’t started on boiling the water yet,” Kevin was moving slowly, and stiffly.

If Connor had known then what he knew now...

Kevin proceeded to fill up the kettle and put it on the stove.

“Hey, uh...Do you want to come to the market with me?” Connor asked, “I need some help with carrying all that stuff.”

Kevin sighed, “Not really. Can you ask someone else to help?”

Connor rolled his eyes at Kevin, thinking that he was being uncooperative. Kevin wasn’t helping out at the village, he wasn’t helping out around the hut, he wasn’t really doing anything at all.

“Why, what are you busy with?” Connor was at the end of his tether, due to the uncomfortably warm afternoon, and the pile of work he had sitting on his desk. On top of that, he still had to go to the market, so that they have clean water to drink and food to eat during dinner. But there Kevin was, not willing to help him out even a little bit.

Kevin fidgeted under Connor’s unwavering stare, “I don’t feel well.”

Just like that, Connor’s anger melted away, and was instantly replaced with concern, “Oh gosh, What’s wrong? Should we go to Gotswana-”

“I’ve already gone to the clinic, it’s nothing to worry about,” Kevin smiled tightly.

Connor nodded at that, Kevin seemed okay for the most part, until Connor’s eyes flitted down and he noticed that Kevin was wearing shorts. His first thoughts to himself was ‘turn it off, gosh darn it’ and ‘stop staring at him, you creep’. And then came the question- How did Kevin get those nasty bruises on his thighs?

He hadn’t realised that he had asked the question out loud. Kevin’s eyes widened as he saw what Connor was staring at.

“I umm...walked into a table. It’s fine.”

Connor had accepted the answer without protest. He couldn’t think of any other reason how that could have happened.

Later that afternoon, Connor went to check on Kevin before starting dinner.

He knocked twice.

“Yeah?”

Connor pushed open the door, to Kevin putting on a shirt, but not before Connor spotted more bruises decorating his torso. Unless the table had beat Kevin up for walking into it...

“Elder Price! Who did this to you?!”

Connor could see the cogs and wheels turning in Kevin's head as he tried hard to concoct another lie.

Eventually, Kevin’s shoulders slumped in defeat.

“I was...It was Butt-fucking-naked.”

Connor’s hand flew up to his mouth, “Oh gosh! What happened?!”

“Oh, uh...It’s okay,” Kevin brushed him off, “I’m fine.”

“Kevin, that doesn’t look fi-,” Even if Connor didn’t know what really happened, he knew that things were far from fine.

“I said I’m fine!” Kevin snapped. He ran his hand through his hair, “I’m sorry. Can you drop it? I don't want to talk about this anymore.”

“Okay,” Connor raised his hands in a pacifying gesture, “Yeah. Sure. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey, Connor? Connor!” Kevin snapped his fingers in front of Connor, “ What kind of fries do you want with your burger?”

“Huh?” He looked up from his phone, “I’ll have whatever you’re having,” before returning his gaze onto his phone, while Kevin relayed their orders to the waiter.

Today marked two whole months since they have landed in London, and Connor thought that they should celebrate by having a short getaway. Kevin has no idea yet. Connor wanted it to be a surprise.

Kevin was getting better day by day, with the help of his therapists. He was still having trouble with his nightmares, but they weren’t intense enough to be waking Connor up anymore. And Kevin was finally out of the sling.That in itself was an achievement worth celebrating.

Connor scrolled through another page of caves located in Europe, since Kevin loved the one in Uganda so much. Although, all of them just looked like really big, dark, scary death traps to him. Why couldn’t Kevin like sunny beaches like normal, boring people do?

“What are you looking at?” Kevin tried to peer into Connor’s phone from across the table.

“Nothing,” Connor hummed, tilting the screen away from Kevin, “So, how was your first day at work?”

Kevin had found a job at a clinic down the street from their house.

“It’s okay. The doctor’s kind of a dick, but it’s okay.”

Connor nodded, “That’s future-you you’re looking at.”

“Excuse me? I’m not gonna be a dick doctor. How dare you?”

“Yeah, we’ll see,” Connor smiled.

Something was changed between them. Ever since that night when Kevin told Connor about his assault. Connor was letting Kevin have his way in...well, everything. He still hasn’t forgiven himself for his behaviour in Uganda, he didn’t think he was ever going to. How could he?

Kevin had just caught on a few days ago, and needless to say, he didn’t like it one bit. It all blew up over a stupid jar of pasta sauce at the supermarket.

_Kevin frowned, “Tomato? Garlic tomato? Cheesy tomato? Jesus, how many kinds of tomato sauce are there?!”_

_“I don’t mind any of them, just get whatever you want.”_

_“Pesto?” Kevin smirked as he held up a jar of green goo._

_Gross._

_Connor would have preferred tomato, to be honest. But if pesto makes Kevin happy..._

_“Yeah, sure.”_

_“Connor, you hate basil,” Kevin’s smile faded._

_“I can learn to love it. You love pesto, don’t you? Let’s get that then,” Connor was about to put it into their shopping cart._

_“Okay,” Kevin had slammed the glass jar back onto the shelf, “What are you doing?”_

Kevin assumed that Connor was handling him with kid-gloves because he saw Kevin as broken and fragile. It was like how Kevin was annoyed and weirded out by Elder Church for being too nice to him after witnessing his breakdown in Uganda.

But all Connor wanted was for Kevin to be happy. Kevin deserved that, after everything.

It was a fine line that Connor was treading. He was still learning the difference between what’s love and what’s guilt.

“Hey Kev, what are your plans for next weekend?” Connor asked.

Kevin shrugged, “I’ve got a shift at the clinic on Saturday. And maybe I’ll go pick up some books from the bookstore.”

Besides Connor, his parents, and his therapists; Kevin didn’t have anyone else to talk to in London. He has been turning to reading books in his free time. Lots and lots of books.

“Can you get someone to cover your shift?”

Kevin frowned, “Why?”

“I’ve got plans for us.”

Kevin frowned harder, “What plans?”

“You’ll see,” Connor pursed his lips, “On second thoughts, keep Monday and Tuesday free too.”

“Are we going somewhe-”

“No!” Connor exclaimed in reflex.

Connor cringed, “Okay, maybe.”

“Yes, alright. We’re going somewhere. But I’m not telling you where.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor picked up the ringing phone from the coffee table.

The number on the caller ID had a ‘385’ prefix. Someone was calling from Salt Lake City.

“Kevin, your phone’s ringing!” Connor yelled into the kitchen, where Kevin was making pizza.

Who would be calling Kevin from back home? Maybe Arnold went back to Utah.

“My hands are all sticky. Help me answer it.”

Connor pressed the green button, “Hello?”

“Umm...Is this Kevin?” A young man asked hesitantly.

What should Connor say?

“No,” Connor blurted out.

He was technically not wrong.

“Oh...okay,” the person on the other end sounded dejected, “Sorry, I must have gotten the wrong number.”

“No, wait!” Connor’s grip on the phone tightened, “Kevin’s busy right now. Who is this?”

“Oh,” there was a pause, “I’m his brother, Jack. Are you Connor McKinley?”

What did Kevin’s little brother want?

“Can I speak with Kevin please? I just found out what my parents did.”

Connor spared a glance towards the kitchen, “I don’t know. Your parents, they really hurt him, you know?”

“I didn’t, actually, not until yesterday, when I spoke with the Cunninghams at the Church. I had to call and beg Arnold to give me his number,” he sounded apologetic, “Please just let him know that I’m calling.”

Connor got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. Kevin was washing his hands at the sink, “Hey, I’ve just put it in the oven. It should be done in 20 mins.”

“Kev? Your brother’s on the line,” Connor held out the phone.

“My brother?” Kevin’s eyes widened.

“Yeah, Jack.”

Kevin nodded stiffly. He wiped his hands dry and took the phone.

“Will you watch the pizza? Thanks,” Kevin smiled tightly before striding out of the kitchen.

Connor was left standing alone, worried for what might happen. The minutes crawled by as Connor stared at the pizza in the oven.

What did Jack think of Kevin? Of the way their parents had treated him? How much did Arnold tell him? Did he know who Connor was to Kevin? What did he think of them being together?

Connor knew that Kevin missed his family, despite how horrible his parents had been. He never admitted it, but he would recount his childhood and his life in Salt Lake City longingly.

The pizza wasn’t even cooking! Ugh!

Unable to curb his curiosity any longer, Connor peered around the wall into the living room.

Kevin was sitting with his elbows on his knees, with his head down. Connor couldn’t really make out what he was saying.

Kevin, sensing that he was being watched, looked up at Connor.

‘Everything okay?’ Connor mouthed as he went closer.

Kevin nodded, and returned his gaze to the floor. He sighed into the phone, “I don’t know, J. Maybe never. I just- I don’t know. They’ve made it quite clear that I’m not part of the family anymore,” A scoff, “You know how they are.”

Another sigh, “Yeah, we’ll see,” A pause as Kevin listened, “Who, Connor? Yeah, I’m living with him now. And his parents.”

“He’s my...,” Kevin’s head swivelled to Connor as he hesitated.

It was probably only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity as Connor waited for Kevin to make a decision: Should he tell the truth and risk alienating the only family who seemed to be on his side? Or should he save the heartbreak for another day?

“He’s my boyfriend,” Kevin shook his head, “No. Not my guy friend. Connor’s my boyfriend. We’re together together. We love each other.”

Kevin’s eyes darkened, “Yeah well, I don’t care about what God thinks, I really don’t anymore.”

Connor moved to sit beside Kevin on the couch, and put a hand on Kevin’s knee in encouragement.

“They don’t know. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine how they’ll react if I told them?” An eye roll, “I don’t give a damn about how they’d feel. They certainly didn’t care about how I feel, did they?”

Kevin rubbed at his temples in exhaustion, “Look, I’m not going to tell you what you should think or believe. I’m not mom and dad. Why don’t you take some time to gather your thoughts, and we can talk again some other day? Oh god, no. Don’t tell them anything, you’ll never hear the end of it. Okay, yeah. I’ll talk to you soon.”

Kevin hung up after saying goodbye. He hugged his knees to his chest and collapsed against Connor.

“What did your brother say?” Connor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

“They actually told Jack and the others that I was the one who left,” Kevin said incredulously, “And they knew about what happened with the…your mom told them when I got hurt. They said- They warned Jack that it was my punishment for not believing. And that’s what is going to happen to him if he loses his faith like I did. Can you believe that?! What the fuck?”

Mr and Mrs Price were truly awful parents. Connor would never have realised that if Kevin hadn’t been sent to Uganda. The two of them appeared to be such wholesome and kind people on the outside.

“I feel so...I don’t know,” Kevin sighed, “Unwanted.”

“I’m sorry your parents suck,” Connor kissed the top of Kevin’s head, “And you’re not unwanted. I want you.”

“Oh my god, you’re so cheesy,” Kevin groaned as he pushed Connor away, “I just wonder, if my parents ever saw me as a person with my own thoughts and feelings, and not some perfect caricature that they expect me to be. And how stupid I was, to actually have wasted the past nineteen years trying to please them, by losing sight of who I really am.”

“You’re here now,” Connor leaned in to kissed Kevin again.

Kevin was about to kiss back when he jumped up from the couch, “Oh shit! The pizza!”


	6. Chapter 6

“Are you seriously not gonna tell me where we’re going?”

Their flight was in ten hours’ time, and Connor was beyond excited. Kevin was going to love it so much, he hoped. Connor had filled the itinerary with all of Kevin’s favourite things in the world.

Connor made a motion of zipping his mouth shut as he watched Kevin pack.

“Well, if I don’t know where we’re going, how do I know what to pack?” Kevin groaned.

Connor enjoyed teasing Kevin, “Think magic and adventure.”

“What the fuck does that even mean,” Kevin grumbled.

“Just pack something autumn-y,” Connor hinted, “Oh, and we’re going to be hiking. Bring your outdoor stuff.”

Kevin made a face and continued his packing.

“This better be fun,” Kevin pointed his finger at Connor.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Alright, give it,” Kevin stuck his hand out.

He had complained that it was way too early to be awake.

Connor couldn’t hide his smile as he handed the boarding pass over to his boyfriend. He watched intently as Kevin’s tired face brightened.

“France. We’re going to France?!”

Connor smirked, “That’s what it says on your boarding pass, isn’t it?”

“Are we going to Disneyland?” Kevin asked with a wide grin on his face.

Connor shrugged, “If you want to.”

“Eeeeee…Of course I want to!” Kevin practically squealed.

Connor let himself get dragged towards the departure gates. The childish glee on Kevin’s face was a welcome sight. And it was a wonderful feeling to know that Connor was the one to put that grin on Kevin’s face.

“Slow down, Kev. We’ve got plenty of time,” Connor chuckled as they weaved through the crowded terminal as the sun just began to rise.

Kevin didn’t slow down one bit.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor was enjoying the view of the fluffy white clouds outside the oval window when Kevin jerked awake from his nap with a gasp. Connor would have laughed at his exaggerated reaction if not for the heaving chest and the look of unadulterated fear in his widened eyes.

Connor placed a hand over Kevin’s white-knuckled grip on the armrest.

Kevin flinched, and slowly turned his head to Connor.

Connor kept his hand on Kevin’s, “Hey, it’s not real. You’re safe.”

Kevin gulped and nodded, “I know. I- I know.”

After a minute or so of deep breathing to calm himself down, Kevin let go of the armrests and laid back onto the chair.

“Okay?”

Kevin nodded, “Are we there yet?”

“Not really, we’re only halfway there,” Connor showed him his watch.

Kevin had only been out for ten minutes. But it was apparently long enough for Kevin’s mind to dive headfirst into his nightmares. Couldn’t he catch a break? Was ten minutes too much to ask?

“You’re tired,” Connor observed.

Kevin narrowed his eyes at Connor, “Yeah, because you made me wake up at five in the morning.”

“I’m sorry.”

Maybe he should have gotten a later flight. Connor had wanted to make full use of the weekend.

“It’s fine, Connor. I’m just kidding. It’s not like I would’ve have gotten any more sleep anyway.”

Connor didn't get woken up last night, so he had assumed that Kevin slept okay.

“Woke up at around two, couldn’t go back to sleep,” Kevin explained.

“You should have woken me up.”

“Why? So that we can be sleep deprived together? I do kinda need you to be able to navigate us around a foreign country,” Kevin raised his eyebrows.

“I thought they were getting better. You said they were getting better.”

“Yeah, I guess…only some of the time,” Kevin picked at a hangnail, “Sometimes I can sleep, and sometimes I can’t. And I was- Never mind,” he looked away.

“You were what?”

“I was being an idiot. Forget it,” Kevin waved in dismissal.

Connor just waited silently for Kevin to continue.

Kevin finally sighed and rolled his eyes, “I was afraid that you were going to drag me back to Uganda before I was ready,” He raised a hand to stop Connor from speaking, “My brain was just being its fucked up self, please don’t read anything into this.”

“Kevin, I would never!” Connor realised how keeping their destination a secret might have been a bad idea.

Connor couldn’t believe that Kevin had stayed awake all night panicking about this. All Kevin needed to do was to ask Connor, and his fears would have been laid to rest.

Kevin took Connor’s hand in his, “I know that. Of course I know that. And I’ve told you, I don’t really think that,” he snorted, “I guess I can add paranoia to the laundry list of symptoms, huh?”

“What did Dr Bobblehead say?”

Kevin has nicknamed his psychologist Dr Bobblehead because according to him, ’He just fucking nods at everything I say!’. Connor didn’t actually know his real name, but Kevin told him that Bobblehead was a stout old man. He was nothing like Anthony the physiotherapist.

“He said that I was scared to go to sleep because of the dreams, and that in turn is making me have more bad dreams, and it’s like a vicious cycle kinda thing, you know?” Kevin sighed.

Maybe that was the reason why Kevin slept better whenever he was high on painkillers. The drugs made him relaxed enough to enjoy reprieve from his nightmares.

“So what did he suggest you do?”

“He told me to relax,” Kevin rolled his eyes, “No shit. Don’t I know that? But how?!”

“Oh gosh,” Connor frowned in sympathy, “Is he really qualified?”

Kevin laughed, “He is. Maybe I’m just being impatient. Or maybe this is something that I have to figure out by myself. And I really don’t wanna be too reliant on pills, you know?” He took a deep breath and put up a smile, “So! What’s the plan for today?”

“Well,” Connor consulted the itinerary he had written down in his notebook, “We have a catch a train to Lot Valley. It’ll take us a few hours to get there, you can rest on the train.”

“The what now? I thought that we’re going to Disneyland?” Kevin looked stricken with disappointment. Why was Kevin so dang obsessed with Disneyland?

“The Disneyland in Paris isn’t really that big, Kev. We still have some time to go after we visit the Lot.”

“Oh. Why are we going to wherever that place is?” Kevin was confused.

Connor turned his notebook to the information he had listed down about the place, “You seemed to enjoy the cave in Uganda, so I thought maybe we could visit a few of them, which are in Lot.”

“Caves!” Kevin gasped.

Connor pointed to the second bulletpoint, “There’s this cave with lots of prehistoric drawings in them.”

“Are we going to all of them? Can we? They all sound amazing!” Kevin’s eyes lighted up.

Connor briefly wondered if they could just move to France if it would make Kevin this happy every single day.

“We can always come back,” Connor assured Kevin with a pat on his arm.

“But there are so many places we’ve yet to see!”

They were going to explore the world, together.

Kevin laid his head on Connor’s shoulder, “I love you, Connor.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

This was probably the most scenic train ride that Connor has ever been on. The French countryside was painted in autumn colours. Clear blue skies on top of golden foliage and rolling hills.

He was sitting opposite Kevin, their legs entangled underneath the small table separating them. Kevin had been lulled to sleep by the motion of the train an hour into the journey. Connor took the alone time to go over their itinerary again, and enjoy the view outside the window.

Every few minutes, Connor found his gaze drifting over to his dozing boyfriend. There was a small furrow sitting between his eyebrows. Connor wanted to smooth the crease with his thumb, but that would surely wake Kevin up from his much needed rest.Hopefully, it was due to the bright sunlight streaming through the windows and not because he was currently being tormented by whatever horrible scenario his brain has conjured up. Connor figured out the way to lower the window shade after a few tries. European trains were wonderful. Connor was amazed at how clean, and efficient, and on-time they were. Connor’s gaze flitted back onto Kevin’s slack features. His frown was gone, replaced by a look of content.

Connor smiled to himself, as he thought about how far they’ve come.

Eight months ago, Elder McKinley, the district leader of Ugandan mission, welcomed the two new recruits into the mission hut, without a clue of how his life was going to be turned upside down. Connor clearly remembered how enamoured he was by Kevin. Despite Kevin’s behaviour being a huge turn off at the beginning, Connor couldn’t get Kevin’s face out of his mind. They started talking more after the excommunication, and Connor had fell, hard. He reckoned that he hasn’t stopped falling since. Sure, Connor get frustrated with Kevin at times, it was just how Kevin’s personality is, but he was also constantly discovering new things to love about Kevin.

_“Why do you have blue paint on your face?” Connor squinted at the sight of Kevin entering their bedroom._

_“I do?!” Kevin ran to the mirror, “Oh shit.”_

_He rubbed at the blue streaks on his face with the back of his hand, and only succeeded in spreading it everywhere, “Oh no, fuck.”_

_Connor couldn’t help but guffaw, “What…what did you do?!”_

_“Mrs Whittard next door needed a nursery room painted. So I offered to help,” Kevin shrugged, still rubbing at the paint on his face._

_“I didn’t know you were that friendly with the neighbours. Also, she has a baby?! She’s like sixty!”_

_Kevin rolled his eyes, “It’s for her granddaughter, duh.”_

_Connor rarely saw his neighbours. He assumed that it was normal for a big city like London, where everyone’s busy all the time._

_Kevin elaborated,“She’s invited me over for tea with her friends once or twice.”_

_“Awww, look at you, assimilating with the local grannies.”_

_“Hey, I’m great with grannies. They love me.”_

_“I’m sure they do,” Connor does too._

Even now, when Kevin was wearing the silly Mickey Mouse sweater which Connor had bought for him- _‘I thought we were going to Disneyland!’._ Connor was still falling in love. His heart clenched, something in his gut fluttered, and his head grew light.

One day, Connor McKinley was going to marry Kevin Price. He could totally imagine the both of them living in one of the idyllic cottages they have passed along the way, living in the midst of nature, very much like the life they had led in Uganda, minus the violence and bloodshed.

They could grow their own fruits and vegetables, spend the day tending to farm animals, not having to stress about whether or not they were going to get into their dream schools, get their dream jobs.The school Connor had auditioned at still hasn’t gotten back to him yet. He was trying very hard to distract himself from dwelling on the silence, and this trip was for him as much as it was for Kevin. They needed the break.

 


	7. Chapter 7

One minute, Connor was sprinting away from freaking dinosaurs in a deep, dark, cave - ‘Dang it, Kev! I knew caves were dangerous places to be!’ - And the next, he was wide awake, safe and sound in their hotel room in Lot.

The small room was dark, and Connor felt that something was amiss. Connor turned around and reached out, and there were only cold sheets. No Kevin.

Connor sat up. Maybe he was in the- Connor craned his neck to see the bathroom. There wasn’t any light spilling out from underneath the door either.

Connor heard a noise.

A sniffle.

He got out of the warm cocoon of a bed reluctantly, shivering slightly as he padded towards the closed bathroom door.

Another sniffle.

“Kev?” Connor knocked on the door, it swung open slightly.

Connor pushed the door all the way, and there Kevin was, sitting against the wall, on the tiled floor, with his legs pulled up to his chest, and his head resting on his knees. The sight made Connor’s heart skip a beat.

“Oh gosh, Kev. What are you doing in here?!” Connor gasped and kneeled down beside Kevin.

Kevin turned around to look at Connor, his eyes glistening in the darkness.

“I didn’t want to wake you up,” Kevin mumbled.

“How long have you been in here?”

“A while,” Kevin shrugged, “I’m fine, you can go back to bed. I just need to…calm down.”

Connor placed a hand on Kevin’s knee, “It’s freezing in here, Kev.”

It was closer to winter than it was to summer. But the hotel didn’t deem it cold enough to warrant turning the heating on.

Kevin’s breath stuttered, “The…The cold helps. It was never this cold back there.”

“I don’t want you to get sick, Kev.”

Kevin shook his head, “That’s a myth.”

“What?”

“The Cold being caused by cold weather. It’s not true.”

Connor couldn’t help but smile at that. He sat down beside Kevin, flinching at the icy floor beneath him. If he hasn’t been totally awake before, he was now. Connor rubbed his hands up and down Kevin’s arm, which was covered in goosebumps, to warm him up.

They just sat there, and breathed.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor blamed it on the sleep deprivation. And on the incessant throbbing of his head, due to having not enough rest. And also on the anxiety of walking into darkened holes carved into the foot of imposing mountains - What if the cave collapses on them?! And last but not least, he blamed his bad mood on having read the email from the school he had been pining over for months, which started with the words: ‘We are sorry to inform you’.

He didn’t mean to snap at Kevin, he really didn't. It quickly escalated into a fight.It was also the worst possible time and place to pick a fight. They were on a tour to the caves with a bunch of excited tourists, and everyone heard them. It made for a very awkward experience for the whole group after that.

Connor almost didn’t want to go inside, partly due to his dislike for small, dark spaces, and partly due to the frosty atmosphere between him and Kevin after the quarrel. But what the heck, he had already paid.

It was, like he had expected, dark, damp, and suffocating. Although, Connor must admit that it did look pretty impressive.

Connor couldn’t really read what Kevin was feeling. He wasn’t saying anything, he wasn’t even looking at Connor during the ride back to their hotel.

Once they’ve reached their room, Kevin made a beeline for the bathroom to shower.

Connor extended an olive branch through the closed door, “Do you want to grab something to eat? Google maps says that there’s a small restaurant down the road.”

His suggestion was met with the sound of running water. Great. Was he getting the silent treatment? He was the only one in the wrong? It takes two hands to clap after all.

Maybe they just needed some alone time to cool down.

He rolled his eyes at Kevin's childishness, “I’m just gonna go pop by the restaurant. I’ll be back in 30 minutes.

Following his map, Connor strolled down the small, empty road. The sun has set, casting a blue hue over the land. For a second, Connor panicked over not having a flashlight with him, before he realised that he wasn’t in a remote Ugandan village. Besides, he had his phone with him. There weren’t any lions in France. Or he hoped.

At the very least, something good had come out of their fight. Connor now knew that both Kevin and him were equally worried about the uncertainties in their futures. Growing up with scary as heck. Of course, it would take them getting into a fight before they would admit that to each other. It was their way of having a meaningful discussion about it, albeit in raised voices, snippy tones, and stinging words.

Was this how relationships are supposed to work? Was it normal? Connor wouldn’t know, Kevin is his first. Kevin probably didn’t have any clue either.

The both of them were just fumbling through one of the most confusing and anxiety-ridden periods of their lives together, hoping that they don’t screw it up too badly and regret it for the rest of their lives.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

When Connor returned to their hotel room, it was empty. What the heck? Why must Kevin always do that? Run away?

Connor dialled Kevin’s number. The dial tone in his ear was superimposed by the vibrations of Kevin’s phone on the table.

Of course. Because Kevin was the most reckless person Connor has ever met. Okay, maybe this was a little unfair, but Kevin had done this way too many times; one day he was going to end up missing for real, and Connor isn’t going to give a flying crap.

Who was he kidding? Connor was never gonna stop giving a crap.

Connor sighed, as he debated on whether or not he should stay and wait for Kevin to come back, or venture off into the late evening to look for him.

Maybe he would give it fifteen minutes.

As soon as Connor sank down onto the chair, he heard someone trying, unsuccessfully, to unlock the door.

Kevin.

What had he done now? He’d better not be drunk. Was there even a bar at the hotel?

Three big strides brought Connor to the door. He twisted the knob and flung the door open, he hadn’t meant to use that much force, startling Kevin on the other side.

Kevin leaped back, “Ow! Fuck! Ow!”

Connor looked down at Kevin’s hands, which were holding two cups of water.

Two steaming cups of water.

Two steaming cups of water which is now half full, as the rest of it had ended up on Kevin’s forearm.

“Connor,” Kevin hissed, “Take the fucking cups please.”

Oh.

Connor snapped out of his unmoving state and lifted the cups by their ears.

“Fucking ow,” Kevin went to run his arm under tap water in the bathroom, as Connor followed behind him, still reeling from the turn of events, and the whirlwind of emotions inside him.

“Are you okay?” Connor asked, setting down the cups.

Kevin sighed, “Yeah.”

“You went to get water.”

Kevin sighed again as he prodded at his reddened flesh, “I was gonna make us some tea.”

“It's all red.”

Connor was really winning with his oh-so-observant one-liners tonight.

“It’s fine. Hey, look,” Kevin grabbed Connor’s hand and took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. For what I said earlier.”

In a fit of anger, Kevin had called drama school a waste of time and money, and had claimed that being an actor is not a real job. In return, Connor rebutted that if Kevin couldn’t even fix himself, how was he going to fix other people?

Connor had the last word in the fight, but he wasn’t proud of it. He was legitimately worried that they had really gone too far over the line this time, and that was it. They were done. He was expecting Kevin to call it quits then and there.

“I’m sorry too,” Connor nodded.

Kevin looked earnestly into Connor’s eyes, “It’s their loss. You’re going to be an awesome leading man and you’re going to prove them all wrong.”

"Am I?"

"I'm sure of it."

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

They were walking along the Seine at dusk. It would have been as romantic as Connor had pictured it in his mind, if not for Kevin’s babbling about how excited he was for Disneyland the next morning.

Dork.

Kevin swung their interlocked hands as they strolled, dangerously close to hitting the other people walking around them, but Connor let him.

A tiny voice called out in their direction, “Elder Price?”

Both Connor and Kevin froze mid-step. They must have misheard that right? There was no way…

To their left, Connor found two unfamiliar guys in the Mormon missionary uniform, staring at the couple with shocked expressions.

“Elder White! Elder Smith!” Kevin gasped in recognition.

“Elder Price! What are you doing here?! Aren’t you supposed to be in…where was it? Uganda?” Elder Smith waved enthusiastically, “Where’s Elder Cunningham?”

Connor spotted Elder White looking pointedly at their hands. Connor released his hold on Kevin’s hand reflexively. He didn't know who these people were.

“Oh, uh...we uh…we left the church,” Kevin shrugged, “Anyway, how have you guys been?”

Elder Smith’s eyes bulged, “You?! You left The Church?! But…you were so…”

“Yeah,” Kevin laughed it off, “Who would have thought, right? We've left the country too, we’re living in England now.”

“And who is this?” Elder White asked, looking at Connor curiously.

Kevin placed his hand back in Connor’s, “Connor McKinley. My boyfriend. We met in Uganda, he was the district leader of the Ugandan mission.”

“You’re a…,” Elder Smith choked, “What…This…”

Elder White narrowed his eyes at Kevin, “Elder Price, you of all people should know that this is wrong! What happened to you in Africa?”

“Come back to the mission with us! We can help you find your way back to Heavenly Father,” Elder Smith pleaded earnestly.

“You could go to hell for this, you know that right?” Elder Smith whispered intensely.

Connor’s blood boiled. These guys didn’t know crap.

Kevin sighed, “Umm...look, it was nice to see you guys. But maybe it’s best if we just walk away,” he started stepping away, pulling Connor along.

Elder Smith was about to step forward, “No, wait-,” but he was held back by his companion. Elder White nodded solemnly at them, “It was nice to see you too, Elder Price.”

Kevin continued walking without turning back. Connor turned and watched as the two missionaries have a heated discussion with each other.

“Friends of yours?” Connor asked, as he resumed walking beside Kevin.

“We were classmates at the Missionary Training Centre.”

What were the odds? To be bumping into them while vacationing in Paris.

“I guess they haven’t gotten the Latter Day Saints Gossip Newsletter, huh?” Connor commented in passing.

Kevin stopped in his tracks abruptly.

“Kev-”

“I’m never going to be able to go back.”

“What?” Connor frowned.

Kevin turned and faced Connor, “Back home. I’m never going to be able to go back to Salt Lake City.”

What was Kevin talking about?

“My parents,” Kevin continued, becoming more agitated by the second, “They are the ones who are writing the narrative. Everyone’s gonna...My friends, my family, my teachers, everyone who knows me…My parents are going to paint me as the bad guy in their story, and everyone is going to take their side!”

“I’m sure they'll see through their bull crap soon enough.”

“You don’t know that,” Kevin pouted as he leaned his forearms on the railings bordering the Seine.

Connor wrapped his hand around Kevin’s, “My parents did, didn’t they? And The Cunninghams, Poptarts’s parents, and now your brother too. People aren’t stupid.”

“Worse,” Kevin rolled his eyes, “They’re devout.”

“There’s nothing wrong with having faith,” Connor defended lightly, “Sometimes, people just need help with making sense of their lives, and to have the reassurance that there’s an omnipresent being watching over them,” Connor shrugged, “But yes, I do agree that the people who run in your parents’ circle can be a bit…too obsessive.”

“So...do you still believe?”

Serving his mission in Uganda challenged Connor’s faith, for sure. But he hasn’t completely become an atheist, like Kevin had. It was more of an enlightenment that maybe having faith wasn’t all about following ridiculous made up rules which don't make sense.

“While I may not be a Latter Day Saint anymore, I can’t say for sure that there is no God,” Connor explained his position. He hasn’t really talked about the state of his faith nowadays. 

“If there’s a God, why does he let bad things happen to good people?”

It wasn’t the first time Kevin had asked that. Connor knew that this was one of the main reasons why Kevin abandoned his faith. He couldn’t stomach the fact that he was punished, having done nothing wrong and everything right. 

“That’s the question, isn’t it?” Connor smiled sadly, “Would it give you more peace to know that it was all just…bad luck?”

“I don't know.”


	8. Chapter 8

When they got back to London, Connor threw himself headfirst into his classes and preparation for auditions. Kevin was busy with his new job, and he had to study for some kind of entrance examination for medical school too.

They haven’t had time to have a discussion about Arnold and Nabulungi’s wedding, until it was almost too late.

“So?” Poptarts asked.

Connor shifted the phone onto his other ear as he speared another cherry tomato in his bowl “I don’t know. I haven’t had time to talk to Kevin about it yet. It’s kinda a touchy subject for him.”

“What? Why would it be? I thought that Elder Price, of all people would want to be at Elder Cunningham’s wedding.”

“He’s...afraid that going back to Uganda would knock him back to square one,” Connor sighed, “I’ll ask him when he gets home.”

“You’d better bring him along! Elder Cunningham is driving me insane, Connor,” Poptarts groaned.

“What has he done now?”

“He keeps asking me about...sex stuff!”

Connor burst out laughing, the same moment Kevin walked into the kitchen.

Kevin gave a puzzled frown.

Poptarts continued, “It’s not like I know any more than the guy. And he’s written me a best man’s speech and oh gosh Connor, there’s so much to unpack in there. The very first line is basically just an apology from me for not being Kevin Price!”

“Sorry, bud, can’t help you with the sex stuff.”

Kevin gave a ‘what-the-heck?’ expression.

Connor shrugged and pointed to the phone, “But uh, I’ll let you know about the other one soon.”

“You’d better. Church, Michaels, and Neely are all coming back for the wedding. Even Davis is too.”

That was news to Connor, “Oh, really?”

It wouldn’t be a proper District Nine reunion without Kevin.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

After Connor put down the phone, he chewed carefully on his salad, figuring out the best way to broach the topic. Kevin had made his stance clear three months ago, but maybe his sessions with his therapist may have made him re-evaluate his decision.

“Lemme guess, Poptarts?” Kevin smirked as he poured himself a glass of water.

“Yeah. He wants to know if we are going to attend the wedding. Apparently everyone’s going to be there.”

Kevin shook his head, “I don’t know.”

It was a step in the right direction at least. It wasn’t a hard ‘no’ anymore.

“Kev, please? Please come with me,” Connor pleaded.

Connor never begged Kevin, for anything. This was something he really wanted.

“I don’t know if I can.”

Connor squeezed Kevin’s hand, “Are you afraid? The- He’s dead. We’ll be safe. Well, there’ll still be the usual ‘Ugandan dangers’, but we probably won’t die, I hope not.”

Connor was aware that there were worse things that could happen other than being shot and killed, but Kevin would probably not appreciate him bringing that up.

Kevin shrugged, “I just don’t want to ruin anything.”

It was the exact same thing, and Connor still hasn’t figured out what it meant. But he was determined to not let history repeat itself. They were going to have a meaningful, non-hostile discussion this time around.

“You’ve said that before. What do you mean?”

Kevin wrung his hands, “I don’t know how to explain this.”

Connor nodded in encouragement, “Just try.”

Kevin frowned, deep in thought, “Okay. Umm…when I broke my collarbone after the…marketplace, it hurt. A lot. But after a few days, it just became something I had to live with, you know? So I just…got used to the pain, I guess. Now that I’m all healed up, and if someone tells me that I’ll have to go through that again, it…scares me. I don’t think I could go through that again.”

“So…Uganda is your broken arm?”

“I guess it is. I- I never really felt right, or safe, after that day. And then everything that happened after that…I don’t know how I’m going to react to going back to the village. You’re right, I think I am afraid. Of going back to where it happened, and also of what my stupid brain is going to do.”

“Oh,” Connor wrecked his brains for something that would help.

He wanted Kevin to be there, but he didn’t want Kevin to have a breakdown because of it. He also didn’t want some version of a sedated, drugged up Kevin by his side at Arnold’s wedding.

“Well, I mean…Arnold and Nabulungi’s probably going to be disappointed-”

“Low blow, Connor,” Kevin narrowed his eyes at Connor.

“No, let me finish. We both know they’d love for you to be there, but I don’t want you to feel like you're being forced to do anything. I want you to do what’s best for you.”

Kevin's expression softened, “Thanks.”

Connor shrugged and went back to eating his dinner. Oh well, looks like he would have to go to Uganda by himself. 

Kevin slammed his glass down onto the table suddenly, “Fuck it! I’m going.”

“Whoa, wait, Kev,” Connor frowned, “Are you sure? I don’t want you to-”

“Buy the tickets before I change my mind,” Kevin gave a determined nod, “I’m feeling brave today. You know what, we can even try and have sex right now and I’d be down for it.”

Connor choked on his own spit.

It was not something Connor had even seriously considered, seeing that he had wanted Kevin to be the one who makes the first move, and Kevin haven’t even brought it up since the day when Connor’s parents bombarded them with unsolicited sexual advice. His parents haven’t touched on that topic ever again, thank gosh.

Connor had his fair share of…ahem…erotic dreams about his boyfriend. It was just basic biology, right? They were sleeping in the same bed almost every night, and Kevin most definitely noticed. He just pretended not to.

“That was a joke, obviously.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

As it turned out, the part about Kevin agreeing to go to Arnold’s wedding was not the joke.

They stood beside each other, searching for their flight details on the big departure board at Heathrow Airport.

“There!” Connor pointed excitedly to their flight and corresponding gate, “Let’s go! Oh em gosh, I’m so excited!”

They were going to have such a great time catching up with everyone. Connor couldn’t wait to see them again. The both of them were only going to be there for a mere five days, and he had to borrow money from his parents to buy the air tickets, but it was all going to be all worth it. Their best friends were getting married!

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss living in our run-down mission hut,” Connor rambled on fondly, “I’m sure you’ve missed the food, don’t you? You loved Kimbay’s cooking so much. You know, after almost four months of normal food, I think I’m missing Ugandan food too.”

Kevin let out a quiet snort, “Normal.”

“You know what I mean,” Connor waved his hand, “And I bet all the kids will be happy to see their favourite Elder again. We packed the gifts we got for them, right?” Connor thought about it for a moment before answering his question himself, “Oh yeah, I did. I put them in my socks.”

Connor bumped his shoulder against Kevin’s as they walked towards their gate, “Are you excited?”

“Umm hmm,” Kevin didn’t even try at being convincing.

Connor has been trying to fill the silence between them with his mindless rambling, thinking that he could annoy Kevin enough to distract him from his internal freak-out.

“How are you feeling?”

Kevin shrugged.

Maybe they should turn back, and go home.

“Coffee?” Connor pointed at the cafe in front of them.

If there was anything that could make Kevin feel better, it was probably caffeine.

Kevin studied the menu board above the counter of the cafe, took a deep breath.

“I’d rather drink Sadaka’s coffee,” Kevin shook his head, “C’mon. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Uganda!


	9. Chapter 9

They had to make an overnight pitstop in Kitgum after a six hour bus ride from the airport in Kampala.

They were back in the same hotel, and ended up in the exact same room.

“Oh gosh, even the pillow smells the same,” Connor wrinkled his nose at the musty smell as he laid down on bed, “It’s like reliving our whole mission over again.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow, “I really hope not.”

Connor watched Kevin towel dry his hair by the window, his face illuminated by the occasional lightning flashes.

“Sounds like a thunderstorm’s coming. Hopefully it doesn’t get too bad,” Kevin sighed.

“It’ll be fine,” Connor pulled the threadbare covers over himself.

“Have you forgotten how badly the roads flood after heavy rain?”

Connor was all ready to turn off the lights and go to sleep, when Kevin pulled out a book from his bag and proceeded to open it after settling into his own bed.

“Kev,” Connor yawned, “What are you doing?”

“Reading,” He answered matter-of-factly.

“You’re not tired? You know, you can’t stay awake forever.”

How could Kevin not be exhausted after almost 24 hours of travelling? Kevin had been awake while Connor was awake, and he was sure that Kevin stayed awake while Connor napped. He had already finished two books by the time they reached Kitgum.

“Not forever. Just until we leave the country.”

Connor wasn’t too sure if Kevin was joking or if he was being serious.

Kevin looked up from his book, “I’ll sleep in an hour or two. Don’t worry.”

“Okay,” Connor was physically unable to stay awake any longer, “Goodnight, Kev. Love you,” He mumbled as he drifted off into dreamland.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

The pitter-patter of raindrops against the window was the first thing he registered when he was pulled from his dreamless sleep. The second thing was that Kevin was nowhere to be seen. It was already seven in the morning, but the skies were still darkened by the rain clouds.

At least this time, they both had their phones with them.

“Hey, where are you?” Connor rubbed his eyes sleepily.

“Oh…uh, just out for a walk. In the hotel, don’t worry. Got us breakfast from the tiny cafe in the hotel.”

Connor stretched in front of the window. The rain was not letting up anytime soon. Connor hoped that the roads were not flooded too badly and they could still get to the village before nightfall.

He swivelled around as the door opened, “Heh- Uh…Why are you so wet?”

Kevin’s hair plastered to his forehead and his clothes were dripping rainwater onto the cement floor.

“It was raining,” Kevin replied nonchalantly, as if it was the most normal thing.

There were plenty of shelter around the hotel, and there was absolutely no need to get wet at all, ifKevin had wanted to avoid the rain like a normal person would do.

“And…you decided to take a walk IN the rain?” Connor peeked into one of the bags Kevin had set down on the table. The paper bags were perfectly dry, which meant Kevin went to get their breakfast after he had gotten himself all wet.

“Posho,” Kevin handed Connor his bag, “What? What’s wrong with walking in the rain?”

Connor was confounded, “I just- are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I’m gonna take a shower.”

The bags under Kevin’s eyes painted a different picture.

“Did you- uh…finish your book?” Connor knew that a book that thick would take Kevin at least five hours to finish.

“Yeah. It was a great book,” Kevin threw a reply over his shoulder as he closed the bathroom door behind him.

Connor had no doubt that Kevin’s sleep deprivation somehow related to him taking a stroll in the downpour like a madman. He took a glance at the relentless rain outside the window. Maybe they would both have to go back into the rain at this rate. There wasn’t any form of shelter between the hotel and the bus station, and raincoats were the last thing on their mind as they were packing. No, scratch that. It never even crossed Connor’s mind that they should bring a waterproof coat.

And unlike London, there were no twitter feed updates for the Ugandan public buses. So they would actually have to go to the bus station to find out if they were still running the buses towards the village in this gosh-awful weather.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

As it turned out, the public buses were much sturdier than Connor had given them credit for. They didn’t have to wait too long before they were able to board their bus. The ride was bumpy as heck, and because of the rain, they couldn’t open any of the windows, which made the interior of the bus incredibly humid and stuffy.

“Do you know,” Kevin suddenly spoke up, “that sometimes people exchange farm animals like their cows as gifts in Ugandan weddings?”

“Umm…okay? I did not know that.”

“We should get Arnold a cow.”

Connor shook his head, “I don’t think Nabulungi would appreciate that very much.”

“Yeah…I guess she wouldn’t,” Kevin hummed thoughtfully.

“What is that?”

Kevin had been typing furiously at his phone for the past hour.

“Hmm? Oh. My speech.”

“Poptarts is really glad you’re taking over the duty of being Arnold’s best man,” Connor chuckled.

Kevin chewed on his lip, frowning at his phone, “Yeah.”

“Stuck?”

Kevin put down his phone, “You know…I wasn’t very nice to Arnold when we first came to Uganda.”

Connor was aware of that. He had assumed that the new pair of mismatched missionaries just needed some time to get used to each other, they all did.

“You weren’t very nice to anybody.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow, “Thanks.”

“Just joking.”

“Not a joke if it’s the truth,” Kevin shrugged, “It’s just...crazy to see how far we’ve come. If someone had told me at the missionary training center that I would be Arnold’s best man at his wedding someday, I would have laughed right in their faces. And then said a prayer for them because they were clearly going insane.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy,” Connor could say the same for himself. If someone had told him that he was going to be attending Arnold and Nabulungi’s wedding with Kevin as his hot date, he would have mocked them.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Home sweet home,” Connor declared as they stepped off the bus.

Thankfully, the village was untouched by the heavy storm plaguing Kitgum.

Arnold and Nabulungi was there to receive them at the bus stop.

“Kevin!” Arnold threw himself at Kevin.

“Hey Nabulungi,” Kevin stumbled back from his best friend’s hug, “Ow, oh hey Arnold. Missed your hugs so much.”

“Hello to you too, Cunningham,” Connor gave Nabulungi a kiss on her check, “Your hair looks different. It’s pretty.”

“Hello Elder McKinley,” Nabulungi smiled, “Thanks. I had Kimbay help me braid it for the wedding. You are looking good too, both of you.”

Connor laughed, “Good to know that my workout sessions have paid off.”

“What is that?”

“Oh, it’s basically just…exercising classes.”

“Ah,” Nabulungi nodded in comprehension, “You have finally decided to get off your butt after sitting in your office all day for six months.”

“Hey! I do help out from time to time!”

“Barely,” Nabulungi teased.

The four of them started down the path leading to their mission hut. It invoking all kinds of feelings in Connor. Mainly nostalgia, and excitement, but they were dampened slightly by the memory of the violent incidents which have transpired along this road.

Nabulungi and Connor watched fondly as the pair walking in front of them break out into boisterous laughter.

“How are you doing, Nabulungi?” Connor put his arm around her shoulder.

Nabulungi angled her head up to look at him, “I think I am doing alright.”

“Good. That’s good.”

“And how have you been, Elder McKinley?” She asked.

“I’ve been fine too, yeah. Still trying to figure out how adulthood works. Are you excited for tomorrow?”

“Very! I have never had a wedding before,” Nabulungi shrugged.

Connor chuckled, “I’d be very shocked if you had.”

“Arnold’s father offered to walk me down the aisle.”

Connor’s smile turned into a sad frown, “Oh. That’s...sweet of him.”

He had brushed shoulders with the Cunninghams at Church a couple of times. While they weren’t as unhinged as the Prices, they were certainly not as supportive of their own son like Connor’s parents were.

On more than one occasion, Connor have unintentionally overheard Mr Cunningham lament to his wife about how Arnold wasn’t as helpful, or as courteous as the Prices’ kids.

The whole excommunication fiasco must have changed his mind somehow, now that he was being extremely accepting of the entire situation, and was supportive of Nabulungi wholeheartedly.

“Yes, they are very nice people,” Nabulungi sighed wistfully, “And how’s our handsomest Elder doing?”

“I don’t think that’s a word,” Connor smirked, “And I’ve told you, I’m doing fine.”

Nabulugi rolled her eyes, “You are the worst. I do not miss your stupid jokes at all. How has Elder Price been? Arnold told me that he dreams of baba sometimes. And they were not the good dreams.”

Connor’s eyes widened. That was news to him.

“Oh.”

“I dream about baba all the time too. I do not really remember what my mama looked like, but in my dreams, baba always ends up in paradise with mama. It makes me less sad when I wake up,” Nabulungi smiled, “So? I know, you are going to ask me to go talk to Elder Price myself. But we both know that he is not going to tell me the whole truth. That boy is always trying so hard to make it look like everything is alright.”

“Uh,” Connor was still reeling from the news. He knitted his brows, “When was that?”

“What?”

“When did Arnold tell you that?”

It was Nabulungi’s turn to look confused, “You did not know?”

Connor shook his head. He thought that they were way passed that, keeping things from each other.

“It was when Arnold tried to convince Elder Price to come back to Uganda for our wedding.”

That would be before Kevin went for therapy. Connor was slightly relieved at that.

“Well, he looks happy now. Happier than when he first arrived at the village,” Nabulungi commented, “I am sure it is all because of you being there for him, Elder McKinley,” She threw her arms out wide open, “And here we are! The other Elders should already be inside.”

Connor found himself standing in front of the familiar silhouette of the mission hut.

When they entered the hut to greet everybody, it was like they have never left. Seeing all of the boys again gave Connor a warm and fuzzy feeling of being home.

“Connor McKinley! Dude!”

“Wow, that’s a hell of a scar, James,” Connor couldn’t help but stare at the side of Church’s head. He had gotten a buzzcut, and the raised red line ran across the right side of his head, from his temple to the back of his ear, was glaringly obvious.

“Makes me look badass, doesn’t it? Nah, once I grow my hair out you won’t even be able to see it.”

“Poptarts,” Connor gave his former mission companion a hug.

“So good to see you again, Connor, in 3D.”

Connor laughed.

The Elders gave Connor and Kevin some time and space to get settled in their room. They were housed in Kevin and Arnold’s old room. It has been an empty room ever since they left, seeing that Arnold was living with Nabulungi.

“Hey,” Kevin walked over to Connor’s side as they were unpacking their luggage, “What’s the matter?”

“What? Nothing. Are you tired? We have time for a nap before dinner,” Connor remembered how Kevin hadn’t slept for the past 48 hours at least.

Kevin waved Connor’s concerns away and studied the walls of the small bedroom, “Man, this is bringing back so many memories.”

‘Triggers’ were something Connor has read about, in his extensive research to try and understand what Kevin was going through. Was being back at the village enough to trigger Kevin?

“Why do you look like that?” Kevin frowned, “Relax. I’m okay.”

“But you’re not,” Connor blurted out, “You spent the morning getting drenched in the rain. And don’t tell me that there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m in no mood to have a discussion about societal norms and social constructs right now.”

“Fine,” Kevin sat down on the bed, “You wanna know why? Because being cold and wet kept me awake. I’m scared that the second I close my eyes, the nightmares are going to start again.”

“Why didn’t you just say so?”

“I didn’t want you to blame yourself,” Kevin shrugged.

“What now?”

What did he miss? What has Connor done?

“You know, for dragging me back here.”

“Kevin. I’ve never forced you to do anything. I would have respected your decision no matter what. And I clearly remembered asking if you were sure.”

Kevin just shrugged again.

Connor scoffed in disbelief, “So what? This is my fault? Are you regretting London too? Are you going to blame me for dragging you to London?”

“I didn’t say that I blame you for anything.”

“You didn’t, but what you said implied that I’ve forced you to come. And that’s a little unfair, don’t you think?”

Kevin rubbed at his eyes, “I’m sorry.”

Connor deflated and sat down beside Kevin, “Why don’t you lie down and take a nap? I think you need to get some rest.”

Kevin looked undecided.

Connor raised an eyebrow, “You don’t want to collapse in the middle of Arnold and Nabulungi’s vows, do you?”

“Stay?”

“Of course,” Connor nodded.


	10. Chapter 10

Connor flipped through one of the books which Kevin brought along. It was an autobiography of a neurosurgeon who lost the fight with lung cancer himself. Definitely not something Connor would have chosen for himself at the bookstore, it was way too heavy and depressing for his taste.

Kevin had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, a testament to how exhausted he was.

He was lying on his side, facing Connor. No frowns, no sounds of distress, so far so good. Connor was just about to start a new chapter when there were two knocks on the door.

Poptarts stuck his head into the room, “Hey- Oh,” he dropped his voice down to a whisper, “Dinner’s ready.”

Connor nodded, “Thanks.”

He was torn between waking Kevin up for dinner, and letting him sleep through the night.

“Kevin,” Connor shook his shoulder lightly, “It’s time for dinner.”

It took a few more shakes before Kevin even stirred.

“Wakey wakey, sleeping ugly.”

“Mmmm.”

Connor stretched as he got out of the bed, “You must be starving.”

Kevin’s eyes remained closed, “Hmm?”

Connor was about to shove the book back into Kevin’s luggage, when he spotted the blister pack of white tablets tucked in between Kevin's clothes. It was the painkiller which Kevin was given after his shoulder surgery. Connor picked it up.

Missing a tablet. Was it taken today? Was it taken three months ago? Connor had no way of finding out, short of asking Kevin. If he did ask, there was a chance that it would end in them quarrelling, again. He was supposed to trust Kevin, right? Trust that Kevin would talk to Connor, and not do anything stupid.

Maybe, who knows, maybe Kevin just brought it as a first aid medication or something. Connor put the pills back in Kevin's luggage. He really shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Kevin had already agreed to not keep things like this from Connor anymore.

But he never did tell Connor about his nightmares of Mafala, did he?

“Kev, c’mon,” Connor tried again, “Don’t you want to eat?”

Kevin finally blinked his eyes open, “Where…,” It took a few seconds before he got his bearings.

"Dinner time."

“We’re back,” Kevin murmured.

“Yes we are. C'mon. Everyone’s waiting.”

“You go ahead first,” Kevin sighed, making no move to get up.

"Okay," Connor nodded slowly, “But don’t take too long. You know how quickly the food runs out at the dinner table around here.”

“Mmmm.”

Connor was almost at the door, but he swivelled around, “Hey, uh…Kevin?”

Kevin brought his gaze up to Connor’s in question.

“Did you- Uh, have a good nap?” Connor scrambled, not knowing how to initiate the conversation.

Kevin frowned, “Yeah?”

“No nightmares?”

“I guess I was too tired,” Kevin turned and flopped onto his back.

That should be enough for Connor, but somehow it wasn’t.

“Or maybe...that was you getting better. Right?”

Kevin rubbed at his eyes, “Yeah, maybe.”

“Seems like it to me,” Connor pressed, “You know, compared to how you were at the beginning, recklessly self-medicating and what not. Unless you are?”

Kevin did a double take at Connor, “What?”

Connor sighed, “Kevin-”

Kevin caught what Connor was insinuating at once, “Look, I just- I didn’t take anything. I don’t even know why I brought them along in the first place. I wanted a safety net, I guess? A way out, just in case.”

Connor felt the weight fall off his shoulders, “Well, that’s- I’m relieved to hear that. And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snoop around in your stuff,” Connor gestured at the opened luggages on the floor, “I just saw it there.”

“It’s not like I’m deliberately trying to hide it from you or anything,” Kevin shrugged.

“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you,” Connor chewed on his bottom lip.

Kevin scoffed, “That’s fine. I don’t trust me either.”

“You should. You’re getting better, Kev. Every single day. And I am so proud of you for that,” Connor returned to sit down on the bed beside Kevin. He used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off Kevin’s forehead.

“What’s gotten into you?” Kevin frowned.

Connor chuckled, “I don’t know? The wedding atmosphere is getting to me. And your book. It was really depressing. Made me think of how fragile life is, and how lucky we are. How lucky I am.”

Connor can get so caught up in planning for the future, that he forgets to take some time out to enjoy the moment, and the journey thus far. This was the exact kind of moment that he should be stopping to smell the roses for. 

“Umm…Okay? Well, I’m starving so...Shall we?”

“Geesh Kev, I was having a nice moment here,” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Sorry?” Kevin grinned sheepishly.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Ah! They’re alive!” Elder Church smirked as Connor and Kevin joined the other at the dinner table. 

Everyone had already started digging in on what looked like lasagne. Someone must have brought them from home. The Elders had left two plates for them, between Poptarts and Arnold, their usual seats.

“Kevin!” Arnold jumped up from his seat and gave Kevin yet another hug.

"Oh, Arnold."

Connor sat down, “Thanks for making dinner, guys. This looks amazing.”

“As I was saying,” Elder Michaels piped up, “We need to throw Elder Cunningham a bachelor party! Tonight!”

“Oh,” Kevin frowned, “Hey, I’m sorry I forgot to plan you a bachelor party, Arnold. It's what the best man is supposed to do right?”

“Oh no, no, no! Kev, it’s completely alright! You’re here! That’s all that matters!” Arnold beamed. Elder Church rolled his eyes from across the table. 

“The lake! We can have the party there!” Poptarts shrugged, “What do you think?”

“Well…It’s a bit dangerous, don’t you think?” Connor chewed on his food slowly.

“Told you McKinley was going to say no!” Elder Church yelled triumphantly.

“But,” Connor raised a hand, “I’m not your district leader anymore so…”

“So it’s a party!” Arnold cheered, and the rest joined in.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

It didn’t take them too long to plan a party, delegate the tasks, and get supplies. Apparently, Elder Michaels and Elder Church had come back to Uganda, fully prepared to party and get wasted. More than half of their luggage were filled with alcohol they have bought at the Utah airport.

Connor got put in charge of the party playlist. He scrolled through the list of songs he had in his ipod. The Elders would probably not appreciate the show tunes as much as Connor did. Maybe more house music?

“Connor.”

Connor looked up to find Elder Davis standing awkwardly in front of him.

“Oh, hey Ryan! So, how have you been?”

Elder Davis sat down next to Connor on the couch, “Fine. How about you?”

Connor shrugged, “Yeah. We’re doing okay. You should come to London for a visit some time. It’s really something,” And Connor meant that, "So different from Utah. So diverse and liberal."

He had no idea if Davis got over the whole crushing on Connor thing. It wasn't something Connor wanted to bring up.

“I haven’t told my parents what actually happened. They still don’t know that I’m…gay,” Elder Davis said lowly, “How did you even tell your parents stuff like that?”

He had been away from his responsibilities as district leader so long, Connor had momentarily forgotten how the Elders would often come up to him to talk about their problems, or ask for advice. Elder Davis probably just wanted some advice. Unfortunately, Connor had no idea what to tell him.

“I was just very lucky, that my parents were pretty accepting of me," Connor shrugged, "Are you planning to tell them?”

“I don’t know. To be honest, I’m a little scared to say anything. I may end up like Elder Price, and unlike him, I wouldn’t have a Connor to help me through it,” Elder Davis sighed.

Connor looked down at his lap, “Umm…I’m sorry?”

Elder Davis chuckled softly, “Relax. I’m just joking. Although, I am kinda terrified though. I am planning to tell them right before I move for college. That way, if things go south, I’ll already beon the plane halfway across the country. It’s a blessing that I don’t need to depend on my parents for tuition.”

Kevin was not the only overachieving scholar in the group.

Connor heaved a sigh of relief. Elder Davis was not making things awkward, “I guess that’s a plan. Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always call me.”

“Thanks. What about your plan? How is life in England? I heard it’s really gloomy there.”

Connor nodded, “It is kinda gloomy. Both the weather, and my future. Still trying to get into theatre school. It’s harder than I thought.”

Elder Davis clapped a hand on Connor's shoulder, “All the best, Connor. I think you’re brilliant, you’ll get in.”

“That’s what Kevin keeps saying.”

The mention of Kevin seemed to have made Elder Davis uncomfortable.

“Yeah. Umm...I should go help Neels out with the snacks.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

All of them agreed that while it might be fun and exciting, swimming drunk in a pitch black lake in rural Uganda was just courting trouble. So everyone stayed on land, around a small bonfire at the edge of the lake.

The calls of the insects were drowned out by the music blaring from two tiny speakers and chatter amongst all the Elders.

“Time for some games! I propose Limbo!” Elder Michaels yelled, holding a long branch.

“Nobody wants to play Limbo,” Elder Church groaned, “We should ask Cunningham what he wants to play. It’s his party. Cunningham!”

Connor’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out and blinked at the glaringly bright screen: ‘Hey. Is this Connor McKinley? It’s Anthony.’

What the…How the heck did he get Connor’s phone number? And why on earth was he texting Connor in the middle of the night?! Anthony should have known that it was inappropriate.

‘Hi. How did you get my number?’ Connor replied.

‘From Kevin’

Connor shot a dirty look at Kevin, who was hanging off Arnold with a bottle of beer in his hand, and the other gesturing wildly at the sky full of twinkling stars. He must have thought it was funny. Connor still remembered how Kevin kept teasing him about Anthony the physiotherapist-slash-underwear-model.

Connor’s lack of response prompted another message from Anthony: ‘Sorry if this is creepy. I assure you that I am only looking to be a friend. You seemed like a cool guy. Kevin mentioned that you were auditioning for theatre schools, and I have a brother-in-law who is working in one of them. Maybe he can hook you up with someone.’

Connor still didn’t know what his reply should be. One thing he was certain, it was never going to be just friendship. The way Anthony flirted with him whenever he accompanied Kevin to his physiotherapy sessions was prove for that.

‘Thanks, but I think I’m fine. I already have a few auditions lined up in the coming few weeks.’

Connor didn’t want to be forced to go on a date with Anthony or something to return the favour.

‘We can still go out for drinks? I really like talking with you. Are you free tomorrow?’

Connor was thankful for the very real and valid excuse to turn him down: ‘I’m actually not in London right now.’

‘Vacation?’

‘Attending a friend’s wedding out of the country.’

‘Maybe when you get back then.’

Connor sighed as he put his phone away. It wasn’t that he didn't like Anthony. The physiotherapist was smart, and he was also into performing arts like Connor does. Furthermore, Connor couldn’t fault that face or body either. But every time Connor talked to Anthony, there was this tiny voice at the back of his mind asking him how sure was he that Kevin was the one for him. Kevin was the only guy Connor has ever dated. Was it because Kevin was one of the only two gay guys which Connor knew when he came out of the closet while being stuck in a homophobic country?

Connor didn’t want to give in to the voice. But somehow it just wouldn’t go away.

“Connor!” Kevin bounded over to him and grabbed at Connor's hand, but missed, “C’mon. We’re playing Never Have I Ever!”

“Oh gosh.”

It was probably a bad idea to get smashed the night before a very important day, which was no doubt what was going to happen if they played the drinking game. 

“Connor’s playing too,” Kevin dragged Connor into the circle the Elders have formed around the bonfire.

“Am I?”

“Yes!” Kevin grinned widely, “I’m gonna get you drunk tonight. I’ve never seen you get drunk before.”

“That’s because I’m a responsible adult. We have a wedding to attend tomorrow,” Connor reminded him.

“So?”

Connor felt his phone vibrate in his pocket again. This was probably not a good time to bring the Anthony issue up with Kevin. He was already wasted.

“Cunningham, you get to go first!” Elder Church pointed at Arnold.

“Okay,” Arnold tapped his chin with a finger in thought, “Never have I ever...read the Book of Mormon.”

Everyone fell silent and just stared at Arnold in shock. Everyone except Kevin, who smirked and took a long drink of his beer, “Good one.”

“What the heck?!”

“How did you get through all the training and tests?!”

“Guess I should have seen that coming.”

“Is that why they paired you up with Elder Price?!”

“And they paired you up with Elder Price?!”

Connor nudged Kevin, “You knew that?”

“It was our first day out proselytizing in the village. Imagine my annoyance. I wanted to fucking scream and cry at the same time,” Kevin smiled, "Oh, Arnold."

“Man, I would love to have seen your face then,” Elder Church laughed, “I guess we all have to drink!”

Everyone took a drink. Connor took a sip of his soda. Someone had to stay sober enough to get them all back to the hut safely. It was Uganda after all. Kevin hadn’t noticed the non-alcoholic beverage in Connor’s hands. Yet.

It was Connor’s turn, “Never have I ever dated a girl?”

Everyone, except for Connor and Kevin, took another drink. Elder Church looked like he was going to make a remark, but he kept his mouth shut. Smart move.

“Gosh, how are you guys so good at this?” Elder Neely pouted.

“Kevin! Your turn!” Arnold shouted.

“I know. I’m thinking,” Kevin frowned, “Umm...Never have I ever failed a test.”

A few of them groaned and rolled their eyes at Kevin.

“What a nerd.”

“Hah!” Kevin pointed at them, “Drink!”

“The worse part is you don’t even have a single B in your transcripts,” Elder Church groaned.

“Wait,” Kevin cocked his head to the side, “How did you know that?”

“Everyone saw them,” Elder Church shrugged, “When your par-”

Connor stared pointedly at Elder Church. Having James talk about Kevin’s parents would only lead to yet another fight. It has been a long time since Connor had to break up a fight between the two of them, and Connor hadn’t missed that one bit.

Elder Michaels caught Connor’s eye from across the circle, “Okay, okay. Let’s move on. Elder Neely, your turn,” 

“No!” Kevin objected, “I want to know what you meant by ‘everyone saw them’! Why were you guys rifling through my stuff? It’s an invasion of privacy!”

“Hey it’s not my fault! McKinley was the one who opened the box in front of us all when-”

Elder Michaels shushed his mission companion.

Kevin’s head snapped around, “Connor?”

“Kevin, it was just some school certificates and stuff-,” Connor defended.

He never thought that Kevin would be so bothered by this little incident.

“And that makes it okay?!” Kevin scoffed and looked away.

Poptarts sighed, “To be fair, you did say to throw it out. You should be glad that Connor opened it to check what was inside.”

“Poptarts,” Connor hissed.

Everyone held their breath, waiting for Kevin to explode.

Kevin just shook his head, “Hey Arnold, I think I’m gonna head back to get some sleep. I’m really tired.”

“Oh,” Arnold's eyes flitted over to Connor's, “Yeah, okay. Sure. Do you need me to-”

"Nah, you should stay and enjoy this. It's a party for you. Last night as a bachelor and all."

Yup. Connor totally felt like there were reliving their mission again, with them playing dumb games and Kevin storming off halfway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Elders need to stop with the games. It never ends well o_o


	11. Chapter 11

“Why are you so upset?” Connor realised it may be the wrong thing to say the moment the question left his lips.

“You think that I’m overreacting?” Kevin continued to march through the forest, a hand on the trees lining the path for support.

“There was nothing incriminating or embarrassing. On the contrary-”

If Connor had Kevin’s test scores, he’d be proud to flaunt them. And he thought that Kevin, of all people, would be fine with letting everyone know how smart he was.

Kevin’s shoulders slumped, “It’s not that, Connor. It just caught me off guard. Made me feel...violated. And I never want to feel like that ever again. After…I hate feeling like this so much.”

Oh. That made more sense.

Connor felt the phone in his pocket vibrate again. The last thing Connor wanted to think about right now was Anthony.

“I don’t know how to make this right,” Connor admitted, “We didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I’m sorry. We were just being busybodies. I did stop them after that.”

Kevin continued walking without looking back. Connor sighed and followed closely behind.

“I know, Connor,” Kevin finally stopped, “For the record, I give you permission to look through all my stuff.”

He was forgiven.

“Even your diary?” Connor smirked.

“You know I don’t keep one.”

They were almost there when Kevin tripped over his own feet. Connor barely managed to get a hold on Kevin’s arm to prevent his fall, “Geesh Kev, how are you so drunk from just beer.”

“Kev?”

Kevin turned to face him, looking like he was about to cry.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

He avoided Connor’s gaze.

“I lied.”

Connor frowned, “What?”

“You were right. I took the Tramadol.”

“You...,” Connor froze.

Kevin lied to him, to his face. After all the progress that they have made.

And to think that Connor genuinely felt bad for even suggesting that in the first place.

He watched as Kevin slowly lowered himself down onto the ground.

So Kevin lied. And he knew better than to drink after taking the meds. Connor should be angry, but he wasn’t. Connor was just...disappointed. And very tired.

“What are you doing? The ground’s all muddy,” Connor pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Dizzy.”

Connor sighed and pulled Kevin off the ground, “C’mon.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

It didn’t take long for Kevin to drift off after Connor got them situated in bed. Kevin had remained quiet the whole way back, after he confessed.

Man, Connor needed a drink. A real alcoholic drink. He scooted backwards on the bed until his back hit the headboard.

He had done everything he could to help Kevin. Connor had been supportive, and patient, and loving. What more could he do?

Connor took out his phone. Ten unread messages from Anthony. Connor shook his head and laughed to himself. Just how desperate was this guy to meet up with Connor?

‘When will you be back?’

‘What about next week? I have Tues and Wed off.’

‘Do you like Indian food?’

‘There’s this nice restaurant I recently discovered near Covent Garden’

‘It’s not a date. I swear. Just to chat’

‘As friends’

‘If you don’t fancy Indian we can always go for Mcdonalds’

‘Just kidding. As a healthcare professional I would advocate against eating fast food’

‘What do you like to eat?’

‘Are you asleep? Good night, Connor. Or good morning, if you happen to be seeing this once you wake up.’

Connor briefly wondered what Anthony would say, if Connor suggested bringing Kevin along. Knowing what Anthony was playing at, the guy would probably claim that he wouldn’t mind at all. But somewhere down the line, a few more dinners and lunches later, he would eventually find a way to ask Connor out alone. Connor may not have much experience in the dating department, but Connor knew how the game was played.

He wasn’t going to lead Anthony on, that much Connor was sure. But he didn’t want to blow him off either. One can never have too many friends, right? Besides, Anthony would make a nice friend.

Fine, he would go, and then make it very clear to Anthony that he was just looking for friendship. Nothing else.

‘I don’t mind Indian,’ Connor typed.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

The next morning, Connor was the first one to rise, out of all the Elders. Everyone had made it back safe and sound, thankfully.

“Oh, pancakes for breakfast! Nice! I haven’t had them in like forever!” Arnold beamed as he peeked over Connor’s shoulder.

Connor nodded, “I know. That’s why we brought it. We even brought this,” he lifted a bag of Hershey’s chocolate chips.

“Chocolate chip pancakes! Oh my god! Is this real life?! Am I still dreaming?!” Arnold pinched his own cheeks.

Connor sprinkled the chocolate chips onto the half-cooked batter on the pan, “Okay, calm down.”

“You guys know me so well!” Arnold squealed and wrapped his arms around Connor’s middle.

“Well, it was all Kevin's idea,” Connor shrugged and flipped the pancakes, “Why don’t you go wake him up?”

Connor didn’t feel like talking to Kevin right now.

“Oh. Uh...Is he still mad about last night?” Arnold looked uncertain.

Right. Connor had more pressing issues on his mind, but the both of them did leave the lake pretty abruptly. It must have put a damper on the party mood, no doubt. Connor didn’t want to make guesses as to what the others must think.

Nobody knew what Kevin had gone through. Poptarts still assumes that Kevin was just beaten up by The General and his goons when he stormed into that camp. More than once, Connor had overheard Elder Church refer to Kevin as the drama queen. But that was just how Church was. He also frequently called Connor a naggy househusband. Connor just let him be. As long as Kevin didn’t know, nothing bad was going to happen, and no one would get hurt.

“He’s not mad anymore,” Connor assured Arnold, “We had a talk. And he’s gotten over it.”

Arnold heaved an audible sigh of relief, “Oh goody! I was really worried!”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Connor,” Kevin sighed.

Connor adjusted his tie and folded his shirt collar down over it. From the mirror, he could see Kevin standing behind his shoulder, looking dapper in his black suit and tie.

Connor moved on to tucking in his shirt without responding.

“Connor,” Kevin repeated.

He still didn’t turn around. They hadn’t talked since last night. Connor spent the breakfast catching up with Poptarts and the rest of the Elders, while Kevin was having a discussion with Arnold about the wedding ceremony.

Connor took another glance at the mirror. Kevin was still waiting for him.

If Kevin apologised, which he hasn’t, was Connor supposed to say that ‘it’s okay’ and let it slide?Was Connor supposed to accept that being lied to was part and parcel of the process to Kevin’s recovery? How many more times of ‘it’s okay’ would Connor have to say, before it wasn’t okay anymore?

“Connor, please.”

Connor finally relented and turned around.

Kevin held out the blister pack of pills towards Connor, “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“And you want me to what? Safe keep it?”

Kevin shrugged.

“Kev,” Connor ran a hand down his face, “I don’t want to be your parole officer.”

“What do you-”

“It’s not just the pills. I get it, you’re scared. It must feel overwhelming to be back so soon, and they make you feel safer. It’s the lying to me, after you promised that you will never do that ever again. And then the drinking, even when you know that you aren’t supposed to. And the worst thing is that this isn’t even the first time, Kevin. I thought you know better after…everything,” Connor blew out a breath, ”I don’t want to be nagging after you all the time. We’re supposed to be equals, and we’re supposed to be looking after each other, not just me doing all the-,” Connor waved his hands, “You know?”

Kevin sat down on the edge of his bed, “Are we...breaking up?”

“What?! No!” Connor threw his hands up in the air. Why did Kevin always think that?

“Then...What do you want me to do?”

“That’s the thing,” Connor moved to sit beside Kevin, “I don’t want this relationship to just be me telling you what to do all the time. I’m not your parents.”

“Okay?” The furrow between Kevin’s brows deepened as he processed what Connor had sprung on him.

Was it like an I-get-it ‘okay’, or was it more like a this-is-a-lot-to-take-in ‘okay’?

“We’re good, Kev. I’m not breaking up with you. Ever,” Connor repeated once more for good measure, “I just…think that you can do better than this. I really do. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

On hindsight, it was a bad decision to be getting into this before the wedding. They had ten minutes to compose themselves and get into the celebratory mood for the joyous occasion, but Kevin was still looking pretty distraught.

Was there a better way to have phrased all of his thoughts? There probably was. But there was no do-over.

Connor took Kevin’s hand in his, “We should go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be a special one: The Wedding. Told in Kevin's POV!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be warned. Kevin's mind is a dark place.  
> (There are mentions of suicide and sexual assault.)

_**Kevin** _

“We should go.”

Kevin felt tears brimming in his eyes, threatening to fall. He avoided Connor’s gaze, and stared intensely at an ant on the ground near his feet, willing himself not to cry.

He wasn’t going to cry. Not at Arnold’s wedding. Not in front of Connor, after he basically just told Kevin to grow the fuck up and stop being a baby, albeit in much nicer phrasing. It didn’t matter, the message was the exact same.

Connor tugged on his hand.

Kevin didn’t trust his voice enough to speak, so he just shook his head slightly. He needed a few more minutes.

It wasn’t the first time Connor had implied that Kevin was a lot of work to be with. It made him feel like crap. He was already feeling like crap after waking up this morning, paying the price for his stupidity in the form of an awful hangover. Now, he felt double crappy.

Coming back to Uganda was a mistake, as much as Kevin tried to convince himself otherwise. It had been months, and he just wanted to find out if he had really gotten over the trauma. Kevin was finally starting to feel okay after three months in London. He had a goal to work towards, he had a new, supportive family, and he had Connor. Once they touched down on the sun-scorched runway at the Kampala airport, however, all the fear and tension had come rushing back. Kevin knew with certainty that he was backsliding into a relapse. If he dared to even close his eyes, he was getting a front row seat to the playback of the various horrible events he had tried so hard to forget.

All the progress which Kevin had made would be for nothing. That was why he took the Tramadol. It was idiotic. But he needed to. It staved off the nightmares. He just needed to get through this few days, and then they would be back to normal in London.

“-for us.”

Connor had been talking to him.

“What?” Kevin croaked.

He cleared his throat. It seemed safe enough to bring his gaze up to meet Connor’s, “What did you say?”

“I said they’re waiting for us,” Connor’s voice was soft. That was the tone of voice he usually uses when Kevin was having a breakdown.

Kevin nodded. All he wanted to do was to curl up in bed, but not sleep, and read a book. Distract himself from dwelling on Connor’s disappointment in him, or the anxiety and irrational fear chipping away at his composure.

He was not used to disappointing others, until Uganda. The old Kevin Price would have been crushed, to hear what Connor have said. But the new Kevin Price? Well, it was part of his personality now: being a let down. He had done a rather spectacular job of that on his mission. That’s Kevin. Always striving to be the best at everything, even when fucking up.

“Are you ready?” Connor put a hand on Kevin’s knee.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Nabulungi had called and asked Kevin what LDS weddings were like. Apparently, Arnold just answered her with a ‘I'd rather die’, and Nabulungi wanted to know if her fiancé was just being his dramatic self.

“They fucking suck, Nabu. Believe me, you don’t want that,” Kevin remembered himself saying.

It was a hundred percent true. Kevin had never been to a wedding at the temple which didn’t end up with him wishing that he was doing his schoolwork or studying his scriptures at home instead. Of course, the old Kevin would never admit that out loud. The old Kevin would volunteer to set up the venue, hide his boredom and annoyance behind his winning smile, and endure hours of small talk with strangers, who were as reluctant to be there as he was. It was a torture, for everyone involved.

Come to think of it, Kevin has never attended a wedding outside of the LDS church. This would be his first. It was quite fitting, actually, this was a new chapter of his life without the church after all.

“Whoa Arn,” Kevin whistled when he first saw Arnold in his tuxedo and bowtie. Mr and Mrs Cunningham had gotten it tailored specially for Arnold. Kevin has never seen his best friend look so proper. All of Arnold’s missionary uniforms had been horrendously ill-fitting, his shirt was always too big, and his pants way too short.

“Oh. Too much?” Arnold looked down at himself, “Should I get rid of the cumbersome band?”

Kevin shook his head, “It’s cummerbund. And no, leave it,” Kevin slapped Arnold’s hands away from messing up his cummerbund, “It’s so weird to see you all dressed up. Very handsome, Arnold.”

“Aw, Thanks Kev,” Arnold adjusted his glasses, “Are you okay? You’re looking a little down bud.”

“Hmm? I’m fine. I’m excited for you,” Kevin punched Arnold’s shoulder lightly.

“I’m excited for me too!” Arnold beamed, “So excited, I’m getting kinda nervous!”

Kevin chuckled, “Relax. It’s going to be a lovely wedding.”

“What is taking them so long?” Arnold fanned himself with his hand.

“It really hasn’t been very long, Arnold. We’ve only just reached,” Kevin reassured.

Everyone was gathered around the village square, waiting for the bride to appear. There weren’t any chairs, so everyone had to stand.

Connor had gone to help out at Nabulungi’s place. Kevin checked his phone. No missed calls or messages. Connor would have called if there were any problems.

“Hey, Arnold?”

“Yeah?" Arnold gasped, “Is something wrong? Did you lose the rings?!”

“No!” Kevin laughed and held up his phone, “I just wanted to take a photo of us!”

“I’m so happy you’re here for this, best friend.”

“Me too, Arnold,” Kevin smiled, “Me too.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

The parting in the crowd served as the aisle. All eyes were on Nabulungi, dressed stunningly in a traditional Ugandan wedding dress. She waved at the cheering crowd as she walked towards Arnold and Kevin, escorted by Mr Cunningham. The scene was stirring up all kinds of emotion in Kevin.

“I can’t believe that she is going to be my wifey,” Arnold squealed into his ear.

Kevin joked, “Yeah, neither can I.”

Arnold slapped Kevin on the arm, “Hey!”

“Ow!” Kevin hit him back.

Nabulungi narrowed her eyes at the both of them as she walked to them.

“Behave yourselves,” She hissed, all while maintaining her smile.

Arnold nudged him one last time.

“Ugh, Arnold!”

Nabulungi rolled her eyes, while she exchanged Mr Cunningham’s arms for Arnold’s, “I can’t even leave you two alone for a few minutes.”

Kevin grinned sheepishly.

He watched as his two best friends stare lovingly at each other, while Gotswana officiated the wedding. It was neither Mormon nor Ugandan, but a weird mix of the two. Nothing about this wedding was traditional, which suited them just right.

Kevin heard his cue, and handed the blue velvet box over to the couple, who proceeded to put the rings on each other, before leaning in for a kiss. The village square erupted in cheers and whistles.

Kevin searched out Connor in the crowd, who was grinning from ear to ear. He never really understood why Connor loved weddings so much, but now he kinda did. It was magical. Maybe coming back was worth it after all.

Arnold swept Nabulungi off her feet with grace Kevin didn’t know he possessed making her yelp.

“Now, we party!” Arnold shouted, before his gaze swept over his parents and his eyes widened in realisation.

Kevin felt bad for laughing at that. But the Cunninghams didn’t seem to mind the rowdiness too much. Kevin had never seen them look prouder. Arnold put Nabulungi down and pulled her over to his parents. The rest of wedding attendees converge upon the newly-weds to give them their blessings.

Kevin flinched when arms circled around his middle from behind. Relax, it was just Connor, he reminded himself. It had been almost a year and he still had to consciously restrain himself from freaking out when someone grabs him, even Connor. Of course, Connor had no idea. He would have stopped doing that if he knew, and Kevin didn’t want him to stop.

Connor pressed his lips against Kevin’s neck.

“What’s that for?”

“I dunno. Love is in the air and all that,” Connor kissed him again, “The wedding vibes are getting to me,” Connor spun Kevin around so that they were facing each other, “I can’t wait for us to get married.”

Kevin just smiled.

Connor would have to wait. For a long long time.

Kevin was nowhere near ready to marry Connor. It was not because of Connor himself. God no, Kevin would love to spend the rest of his life with him. But because Kevin would make a terrible husband. Connor was right, about Kevin. He wasn’t capable of taking care of Connor? Despite everything, Kevin was still a fucking mess.

Connor deserved better. If that meant having Connor marry someone else, Kevin could make peace with that. Don’t get him wrong, he would be absolutely devastated. But he wouldn’t hate Connor for making that decision.

Kevin would make peace with it, while overdosing on Tramadol or throwing himself off a building. He wouldn’t be able to live without Connor McKinley.

But then again, Connor would never do that. Maybe Kevin would have to make the decision for him.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Connor asked, amused.

Well shit, here Kevin was at his best friend’s wedding thinking about how he would kill himself, because Connor would be better off without Kevin. He couldn’t help it.

“About how much I love you.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Kevin scooped a heaping portion of Kimbay’s posho onto his plate. He had missed it so much. He was going to eat a year’s worth of posho today. Watch him.

“Price,” Church approached the food table.

Kevin moved on to getting some stew for himself, “Hey.”

Kevin always had an unusual relationship with James Church. They could be trading hurtful insults one day, and then spend the next bonding over how much their parents sucked while having coffee together.

“So…I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Kevin frowned.

Church piled his own plate up with food, “For what I said yesterday.”

“Are you apologising for telling me the truth?” Kevin raised an eyebrow.

“You know what they say, what you don’t know can’t hurt you,” Church smirked.

Kevin chuckled, “I guess that’s true.”

“And also for looking through your stuff. I’d be pissed if that happened to me too.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Kevin shook his head and dropped a flatbread onto Church’s plate, “Chapati?”

“Thanks,” Church smiled, “Anyways, how have you been? I see that your shoulder’s all fine now.”

“Ah yeah, it’s all healed. I set off the metal detectors at airports now. Connor finds it hilarious for some reason,” Kevin shrugged.

“Neely’s leg does the same thing too! The stupid TSA agent kept telling him to empty his pockets,” Church guffawed, “Oh gosh, it’s pretty wild, isn’t it? What happened to us. You should see the look on my friends’ faces when I told them about what Butt-fucking-naked did. They thought I was making it up. Man, we’re so lucky to be alive.”

Kevin haven’t heard anyone say that name out loud in a long time. He was instantly transported back to the first time he had ever heard of it. It was the day after they arrived at the village, when Butt-fucking-naked shot the poor man at the very same spot Kevin was currently standing on.

“Mmmhmm,” Kevin’s heart rate sped up.

Not real. Not real. Not real.

Stop it.

His brain didn’t listen. It moved on to the sharp edge of a wooden table jabbing at Kevin’s back when he had been pushed onto it.

“Anyways, it was nice to see you again,” Elder Church clapped Kevin on his shoulder, before walking away.

Kevin pleaded with his brain to please stop freaking the fuck out. At least not in front of everyone.

There were too many people surrounding him. Kevin was seeing Butt-fucking-naked in the corner of his eyes everywhere he turned.

Stop acting like a crazy person. Butt-fucking-naked was dead.

Kevin put his plate down onto the table, or he was going to drop it.

The floor had been sandy.

He had been kicking at it wildly when the men had tried to restrain him, and some of it got into his shoe. He hated having grains of sand stuck in his shoe.

Kevin tried hard to remember what his therapist had told him. What was he supposed to do?

Keep breathing. Kevin loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt collar. Okay, good. Now he could breathe better.

Butt-fucking-naked’s fingers had dug painfully into his upper thighs. It was extremely violating. He could feel the revolting breaths of the men in his face.

Stay grounded in the present.

Kevin pressed the heel of his hand into his eye.

Fuck!

He was dead. Kevin was safe. He was at Arnold’s and Nabulungi’s wedding.

Three counts in through the nose. Three counts out through the mouth.

Nabulungi had asked him what happened when she saw Kevin leave Gotswana’s hut the next morning.

“Are you okay?”

Wait. That was not what she had said.

Kevin removed his hand from his eyes, and looked up.

It was Poptarts.

“I’m fine,” Kevin smiled. It probably was more of a grimace, because Poptarts didn't move.

He felt exposed, standing by himself in the open. Kevin started walking away from the table. He needed Connor.

“Elder Price, you forgot your food,” Poptarts called out.

Kevin felt sick to his stomach at the mention of food.

“You can have it.”

He craned his neck to look for Connor in the sea of faces. Kevin couldn’t see him anywhere.

First, he needed to sit down. He probably shouldn’t do that in his nice dress pants. But it was either that or throwing up all over the square, which would be the complete opposite of not attracting any attention to himself.

Kevin found a fallen log near the trees. Perfect. He sat down on the rough log and put his head onto his knees.

“What’s wrong?” Poptarts had followed along, “Are you drunk?”

He wished he was.

“Should I go get Connor?” Poptarts was kneeling in front of him, “I saw him dancing with Nabulungi over there.”

Connor was enjoying himself, and Kevin was about to spoil Connor’s day.

He should stop being a fucking baby.

“No,” Kevin lifted his head, “It’s just too hot.”

It was not a complete lie. Kevin had gotten used to the cool weather in London, and it was bordering on unbearable in this outfit.

“Oh,” Poptarts fanned at him with his hands, “You should take your jacket off. I’ll find you some cold water.”

Kevin wrapped his jacket tighter around himself, and dropped his head back onto his knees. If he concentrated hard enough, he could pretend that he was back in his own bed in London, with Connor beside him.

“Kaywin!”

Kevin opened his eyes, and all he could see was Gamisha’s big eyes peering into his. The little girl was standing very close.

“Hey Gami.”

Gamisha extended her tiny arms and clung onto Kevin like a koala, “Miss you!”

“I missed you too,” Kevin couldn’t help but smile at the girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Connor's POV


	13. Chapter 13

Connor felt a tap on his shoulder as he was twirling Nabulungi away from him.

“Poptarts! Let’s dance!” Connor cheered.

He loved weddings so much.

The bottle of beer which Nabulungi had forced him to chug had left him rather tipsy.

“Yes! Elder Thomas, join us!” Nabulungi grinned.

“No thanks,” Poptarts looked rather tense, “Umm, I think Elder Price has heat exhaustion. Do we still have ice?”

Nothing sobered Connor up faster than finding out that Kevin was in trouble, “There’s still some left beside the bucket with the alcohol. Where is he?”

Nabulungi was about to follow, but Connor said, “I’ll take care of it. I’m sure he just needs some water.”

Connor took off in the direction which Poptarts pointed towards.

After trying to squeeze past the swaying crowd, Connor finally saw the edge of the village square.

There he was.

Kevin was sitting under the trees with the little girl, who was his favourite. Kevin claimed that he didn’t have any favourite kid in the village. He was lying, Connor was sure of it.

The pair was doing some counting exercise, on all of their twenty fingers.

“Hey,” Connor approached them.

Kevin looked up from his hands, and his smile dimmed, “Lemme guess. Poptarts?”

“How are you feeling?” Connor squatted down and placed a hand against Kevin’s forehead.

He was still sweating, which was a good sign.

“I feel better already.”

The little girl extended her splayed fingers in Connor’s face, “I can count to eight tens!”

“Oh. That’s...nice,” Connor nodded awkwardly. Should he say something? But they shouldn’t be too harsh on children right? It might stifle their little creative minds or something like that.

“Eighty,” Kevin rolled his eyes, and corrected the girl.

“Eighty tens!”

“No, just eighty,” Kevin paused, “No tens.”

Connor turned his attention back to Kevin.

“Why don’t you take this off?” Connor tugged on Kevin's jacket.

Kevin thought about it for a second, before shrugging it off. Connor had already flung his jacket off to gosh-knows-where after the ceremony. Hopefully, he would be able to get it back. It was his best jacket.

“Kaywin! More!” She was pulling at Kevin’s arm.

“What is eighty plus one?” Kevin rolled up his shirt sleeves to his elbows.

“Eighty te- eighty one!”

“Very good!” Kevin grinned and ruffled her curls.

The little girl squealed.

Connor could melt. And it wouldn’t be because of the weather. This was what he imagined his own family would be like. Kevin and him, maybe a couple of children...Connor wasn’t the best with kids, but Kevin would help him.

Poptarts finally returned with a cup of ice-cold water, “Here.”

“Thanks,” Kevin took the offered cup and sipped at it.

“Oh! I want!” The girl pouted and made grabby fingers.

“That’s for Kevin,” Poptarts held out his hand towards the girl, “C’mon Gamisha, let’s go find you some iced water.”

“Yes!” The girl exchanged Kevin's hand for Poptarts' hand, “Pop! Carry me!”

Poptarts rolled his eyes at Connor, before lifting the girl up and strolling back into the crowded square. He pretended to drop the girl, "Gosh, you are so heavy!"

"Not!" The girl giggled.

It seemed like everyone was better at dealing with kids than Connor was. It was pretty embarrassing, really. But to be fair, he was an only child, whereas they had younger siblings to practise their kid-handling skills on.

Connor sat down on the log, “You should finish the water.”

Kevin took another small sip.

“You barely drank any. Drink up,” Connor frowned. Being hydrated was essential for beating heat exhaustion.

Kevin placed the still-full cup down on the ground.

“What’s the matter?” Connor placed a hand on Kevin’s knee.

He felt Kevin tense up. It was barely noticeable, but it made Connor withdraw his hand as if he had been burnt.

“Did something happen?” Connor asked, “Tell me.”

“Tell you?”

“I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong?”

Kevin peered at Connor curiously, “You really want to know what’s wrong?”

“What? Yes! Of course I want to know!”

“But this morning, you just said-,” Kevin shook his head in exasperation.

There had obviously been a misunderstanding somewhere, because nowhere in Connor’s memory did he remember telling Kevin that he didn’t care anymore.

“Okay,” Connor held out a hand in confusion, “What did you hear?”

“What did I hear?”

“I know what I said, but I’m not sure you heard the same thing.”

So Kevin’s earlier ‘okay’ wasn’t exactly okay after all.

Kevin looked straight ahead, away from Connor.

“You said that...you’re tired of my cleaning up my messes. And you feel like you’re the only one doing all the work in this relationship,” Kevin swallowed, “And I think that’s fair. I don’t blame you for wanting that. You deserve better.”

Connor’s heart sank. He couldn’t believe he let Kevin go, thinking...that. It was a good thing that Connor had been given a chance to set things straight just hours after their talk, and not a few months down the road.

Kevin sighed.

“I just had a flashback,” Kevin said it like it was no big deal, “You know, you can just leave me be, and I’ll be fine here with-”

Connor interrupted him, “Just listen to me, carefully, alright?”

Kevin nodded hesitantly.

Connor kept his hands to himself, even though he was aching to hold onto Kevin so badly, but it was clear that him touching Kevin was making him uncomfortable.

“Do I wish that all the awful things never happened? And we didn’t have to deal with all this? Of course I do. But the fact is, they did and we can’t turn back time. I just wished you had more faith in yourself."

"I know that you can do better, I’ve seen you do incredible things. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to leave you to deal with it alone? I’m not going to go off and enjoy myself while you’re sitting here feeling like crap! I can’t bring myself to do that. I don’t want to either,” Connor hoped that he had made it clear enough this time around.

Kevin furrowed his brows, “So…the reason you didn’t want to keep my meds was not because you don’t want to deal with my fuck ups anymore?”

“No!" Connor denied, "It’s because I know you don’t need me to babysit you, and I was just frustrated that you don’t see it.”

“But…what if I can’t do it?”

“Then I’ll be here for you. But you didn’t even try!”

Oh. Wait-

“I…didn’t…even…try,” Kevin’s eyes narrowed, “Connor you have no fucking idea-”

“I admit that’s- I shouldn’t have said that,” Connor backtracked, “Sorry. But do you get where I’m coming from?”

“I guess?” Kevin sounded unsure.

Connor sighed, “I’m not saying that I’m having the time of my life, but well, I did sign up for this fully knowing what it entailed. So…you’re stuck with me.”

“It sounds like you’re the one who’s stuck with me. If you had enough and ever wanted to leave-”

“Stop trying to get me to break up with you,” Connor rolled his eyes, “We’re stuck together, alright?”

“Okay,” Kevin said quietly.

“Besides, if I wanted it easy, I wouldn’t have chosen to date a guy who had weekly meltdowns on his mission now, would I?”

“I didn’t!” Kevin pushed Connor away playfully.

Connor chuckled. Everything was back to normal. Kind of. He cleared his throat, “Can I…hug you?”

“You don’t have to ask,” Kevin let his head fall on Connor’s shoulder.

Connor wrapped his arm around Kevin’s waist, “You should still finish your water.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Alright! Alright! Shush everyone!” Arnold’s booming voice carried across the village square.

The sun had set hours ago, but the party has just begun. They had reused the fairy lights they used to light up the square on Connor’s birthday. It must have felt a bit like deja vu for all of them, but nobody seemed to be overly affected by the familiar scene, not even Kevin.

Arnold stood up on a stool, “I believe it is the time for speeches! My best bud, Kevin has something to say.”

Arnold stepped down and joined Nabulungi in front of their make-shift podium. Everyone clapped as Kevin took over Arnold's spot.

“Umm…,” Kevin looked around the anticipating faces of his audience, “When I first met Arnold, I resented being stuck with him by the missionary training centre. I actually yelled that in his face. At the time, I thought it was one of the worst things that had ever happened. But it turns around, meeting Arnold would be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.”

“Arnold taught me…well, taught all of us about love, and kindness, and acceptance, and that paradise is not about a place, but people.”

“Without Arnold, our lives in Uganda would have been very different. And all this,” Kevin gestured around him, “Would not be possible. So I am thankful that the universe stuck me with Arnold, and that we were sent here, and that Arnold fell in love with the absolutely brilliant Nabulungi Hatimbi. Gosh, I still remember countless nights of Arnold rambling about how soft Nabulungi’s hair is, or how smart she is, and how well she can sing. And then I would be spending the next morning listening to Nabulungi talk about how funny and how cuddly he is.”

Arnold and Nabulungi chuckled, and held each other closer together.

“They truly are, made for each other, and they have the purest form of love I have ever seen. And I’ve also seen lots things that I wish I could un-see with these two.”

Arnold threw his empty plastic cup at Kevin.

“Hey!” Kevin tried to dodge the item aimed at him.

“That is what you get,” Nabulungi shook her head.

“See! Made for each other,” Kevin grinned and raised his cup, “Here’s to Arnold and Nabulungi!”

Everyone cheered and raised their cups and toasted the newly-weds.

 

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

When Connor emerged from his shower with a towel around his hip, their bedroom was empty. He put on his clothes and went out into the darkened living room and kitchen. All of the occupants in the hut had already retreated back to their rooms for bedtime.

Connor did a sweep of the kitchen. Still no Kevin.

Where in the-

He noticed that the front door was ajar, swaying slightly from the breeze. Connor pulled the door open and stuck his head outside.

Kevin was perched on the steps just outside the door, hunched into himself, and looking straight into the darkness of the forest.

Connor nudged Kevin on the back with his big toe.

Kevin startled, “Jesus, Connor!”

“I thought you heard me coming,” Connor sat himself down on the cement steps, “Why are you out here?”

Before Connor had entered the shower earlier, Kevin was already tucked into his bed.

Kevin shrugged, “Needed some air.”

“We could go to the treehouse,” Connor said, but not meaning it.

Maybe some reverse psychology would get Kevin back inside.

“You’re kidding, right? It’s pitch black out there, and neither of us are in any shape to climb a ladder. Nobody is going to find our bodies until sunrise.”

“You said it before, that we won’t die from the fall. Just…very broken,” Connor smiled to himself as he recalled that conversation they had on the treehouse.

Kevin scoffed.

Connor slapped at the mosquitos feeding on his arm, “Dang it! I’m being eaten alive!”

“Did you not put on your insect repellant?”

“Well, no. Did you?” Connor wasn’t planning on coming outdoors after his shower. He thought that he was just going to be heading to bed in the safety of their enclosed room.

“Of course I did,” Kevin helped him to slap another mosquito dead, “C’mon, let’s go inside.”

Connor sprung up and ran into the hut, Kevin closing the door behind him. Connor reached down to scratch at his legs, “Stupid bugs.”

“Must be your fruity shower gel,” Kevin flopped down onto the couch, “I’m tired.”

“I bet you are,” Connor yawned.

It was three in the morning, they were both tired. And Kevin was stalling bedtime.

“So...What do you want to do now?” Connor waited patiently.

Kevin rubbed at his eyes, “You know, I keep telling you that you don’t have to stay up with me. But you never listen.”

“Maybe you should stop telling me that then,” Connor joined Kevin on the couch.

“Mmm...,” Kevin hummed, half asleep, his head dropping onto Connor’s shoulder.

Maybe Connor would rest his eyes for a second. He laid his head against Kevin’s.


	14. Chapter 14

It was awfully bright when he opened his eyes.

Oh gosh, he was stuck. His joints had stiffened up from sleeping on the old, ratty couch. And he couldn’t even feel his left arm anymore, it was pinned under Kevin.

“Ow ow ow,” Connor groaned as he lifted his head off the couch. His neck was protesting the movement of becoming upright.

Connor looked ahead to see Elder Church and Poptarts looking eating their breakfast while staring at the sleeping couple.

“What are you two up to?” Connor narrowed his eyes.

Poptarts shrugged, “You guys haven’t moved an inch ever since we woke up. Just wanted to make sure if you were still alive.”

“Ha!” Elder Church laughed.

“How very kind of you,” Connor grimaced as he rolled his head around, “What time is it?”

“Ten thirty,” Poptarts supplied, “So, what are you two going to do today?”

Connor tried to stretch his back, but he was immobilised by Kevin’s arms across his chest.

He sighed as he resigned to being part of the couch, “I was thinking of spending the day at the lake. Once upon a time, I promised Kevin that we’d go swimming there but he never end up being able to. So…”

“Sounds sexy,” Elder Church gave a thumbs up.

“Can you both just go somewhere else to eat your breakfast? The staring’s making me uncomfortable.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Ready?” Connor turned his head to the left.

Kevin smirked, “Ready to kick your ass!”

“Set!”

“Go!”

Connor and Kevin sprinted towards the edge of the lake. Connor was kicking up a cloud of sand and pebbles behind him as he ran. The waters glistened invitingly in the afternoon sun, and right before Connor reached the edge, he leaped and extended his arms forward.

He heard another splash a split second before his fingers broke the surface of the water. When Connor came up to the surface again, he could already hear Kevin ahead of him.

Dang it!

Connor kicked with his legs, his arms frantically driving him forward, towards the small islet, about half a mile away. It was where the both of them were racing towards.

They were close enough that water droplets flying from Kevin’s strokes were landing on his face every time Connor turned his head to the side for air.

He didn’t want to lose to Kevin. Connor was the one who had been diligently dragging his backside to the gym almost everyday, while Kevin only tagged along whenever he felt like it. Which ranged from once every three days to once every two weeks. Not to mention the whole two months Kevin spent recuperating. There was no way Connor was less fit than his boyfriend, after all the hard work.

After two hundred feet of swimming, Kevin started slowing down, and Connor was able to take the lead and began to steadily put distance between them.

Connor took some time to enjoy the moment. The temperature was perfect, the sounds of the forest cheering him on, and it was always nice to not have the smell of chlorine invading his nostrils as he swam.

The tips of Connor’s fingers brushed against the rough surface of the boulder.

He won! 

Connor lifted himself out of the water onto the tiny piece of land. The top of the islet was flat and sandy, and there were a few stubborn turfs of grass growing on the isolated piece of dry boulder in the middle of a massive lake.

Kevin reached the islet less than a minute after Connor did.

“Fine, you win,” Kevin huffed grudgingly.

Connor laughed, “What do you mean ‘fine, I win.’? You didn’t let me win, Kevin Price. I won fair and square. You need to work out more.”

Kevin grumbled under his breath as he slapped the surface of the water with his palms. He was always such a sore loser.

Kevin followed in Connor’s footsteps and climbed out of the water.

Connor tilted his head up to soak in the glorious sunshine. There was a high change that he was going to get sunburned, but it would be worth it. They rarely have sunny days like this in London.

Kevin laid down onto his back beside Connor and closed his eyes. Connor took the opportunity to just drink in the sight before him, Kevin sunbathing in nothing but his speedos, still wet from the swim. The playful part of Connor wanted to climb on top of Kevin and straddle his boyfriend, and they could proceed to have a really hot make out session with nature as their backdrop.

Instead, Connor opted to lie down beside Kevin, their fingers intertwined, and continue to stare at Kevin’s profile. Kevin’s breaths slowly evened out, as he dozed off. Connor used his free hand to trace a finger over the faint scar right above Kevin’s eyebrow. If not for the piercingly bright sunlight highlighting the thin whitish line, nobody would be able to tell it was there.

“Whatcha doing?” Kevin’s eyes opened at the touch.

“You know, we have to swim back to where we came from,” Connor reminded him.

“Maybe later,” Kevin mumbled and went back to his nap.

The one on his right shoulder was a lot more pronounced. Connor shuddered as he remembered the time he saw the horribly bruised incision just a few days after the surgery, it made his own shoulder ache in sympathy.

Connor pressed a gentle kiss onto the scar on Kevin’s shoulder. When Connor lifted his chin up, he saw that Kevin was looking at him with a contemplative expression. Connor gazed back. He took in Kevin’s features, his lashes, his eyes, his nose, his lips. Connor rarely say it out loud, but Kevin was a very good looking guy. And Kevin was well aware of it.

Kevin closed the distance between them and caught Connor’s mouth in his. They have been getting better at this lately. It wasn’t a brag, but compared to the first few times when they almost took each other’s front teeth out, this was a significant improvement in Connor’s opinion.

Usually Kevin would slow down after a while, and Connor would take it as his cue to ease off and pull away from Kevin. But instead of putting on the brakes this time, Kevin was stepping on the accelerator, pushing his tongue into Connor’s mouth. Connor was surprised. It was a pleasant surprise. Kevin’s hands roamed down from behind his neck, to his back, and then his hips.

Connor took this as an invitation to do the same. Connor had always been mindful of what he was doing, always keeping an eye out for any signs that Kevin was uncomfortable. So this was new, to be able to let his guard down and let himselfget lost in the sensations.

They’ve never gone so far before. It was exciting, and very hot.

Somewhere along the way, Connor ended up on top of Kevin. Looked like Connor’s wish was coming true after all. His lips migrated from Kevin’s mouth, to his jaw, and then to his neck.

All he could think of was how much he wanted Kevin.

More Kevin.

Connor had never wanted something so badly. All these years of trying it turn it off had culminated in this desperate hunger Connor hadn’t realised that he had inside of him.

Kevin suddenly froze beneath Connor, and everything stopped immediately, as if a switch had been turned off. Connor blinked open his eyes, “Kev, what-”

An iron grip was enclosed around Connor’s right wrist, where his fingers were digging into Kevin’s upper thigh.

Connor withdrew his hands from Kevin at once when he realised. He had completely lost track of where his hands were in the heat of the moment. Connor frowned. It wasn’t like himself to lose control like that.

“I’m uh-,” Connor was still breathing harshly.

“It’s-,” Kevin shook his head.

“Sorry.”

“It’s not- you don’t have to-,” Kevin ran a hand down his face.

Connor wasn’t offended. Okay, maybe a tiny part of him had been irritated by the interruption. But he had shut the thought down the second it had surfaced. That was his brain down south. That wasn’t Connor.

Kevin sighed, “Shall we go back?”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

The swim back was less pleasant that the first lap, seeing how both of them had already expended their energy racing to the islet. Connor was also starting to feel the sunburn on his neck. Ouch. He was already longing to do that with Kevin again, what they did on the islet. What if Kevin never initiated it ever again? Connor would be very disappointed, but he had gotten the impression that Kevin had enjoyed it as much as he did, despite the hiccup at the end.

They swam slowly, side by side.

“I’m tired,” Kevin complained.

“Yeah well, it’s not like we can stop.”

Kevin sighed loudly.

“You don’t think there are any crocodiles in this lake, do you?” Kevin asked, out of the blue.

Connor scrunched his face, “Now, why on earth would you say that?!”

Kevin looked confused as he shrugged.

Connor forced himself to think about anything but crocodiles. Absolutely anything but a mental image of a big, long creature swimming below them.

Half a mile left to go.

There weren’t any crocodiles? Connor would have spotted them if there were, and he had been to the lake tens of times. There were never any crocodiles.

Something brushed against the sole of Connor’s feet.

He yelped, and almost jumped out of the water.

“What?!” Kevin startled.

Connor squinted at the calm waters around them, “No I...nothing. Just a fish. I just kicked a fish.”

Kevin chortled.

“It’s not funny, Kevin,” Connor scowled at his boyfriend.

“Yes it is!”

Connor picked up his pace. He just wanted to get out of the water as soon as possible. Abandoning the slow breaststrokes, Connor surged forward ahead of Kevin.

Think about anything but crocodiles. He started singing ‘A whole new world’ loudly in his head.

‘ _Shining, shimmering, splendid’_

No crocodiles.

‘ _I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder’_

Connor’s muscles burned with the exertion. Just keep swimming.

The rhythmic splashes were helping to drive the paranoia out of Connor’s mind.

_‘Over sideways and under’_

Finally. Land!

Connor heaved a breath in relief, as he climbed up onto dry land. He turned around, to wait for-

Connor’s heart stopped.

Kevin was just…not there anymore.

“Kev?”

Connor steeled himself to jump back into the lake. He didn’t hear anything. Kevin would have yelled out for Connor if he had been in trouble, right?

A couple more seconds passed without so much as a ripple on the surface of the lake.

This wasn’t happening right now. This couldn’t be happening-

“Kevin!” Connor screamed.

Where would he even begin to look?!

What the heck, what the heck, what the freaking heck?!

“I swear, if this is some dumb prank,” Connor’s voice wavered as he scanned the lake for any signs of disturbance.

This wasn’t happening. Come on, come on, come on.

Conor was so scared, the sinking feeling of his stomach was making him queasy.

Heavenly father, please.

Please don’t do this to him!

Please, no.

He couldn’t stand to wait around anymore. Connor went back into the lake and was about to dive down, when he spotted bubbles a few feet to his left.

Kevin resurfaced with a loud gasp. He wiped water off his face and grinned at Connor, holding up some kind of a metal figurine.

All Connor could manage at the moment was to keep treading water. His brain was not up to speed with what had happened yet, after the overwhelming shock his system had just experienced. He thought that Kevin had drowned! For gosh’s sake.

“Connor! Look what I found at the bottom,” Kevin panted, looking extremely pleased with himself.

All of this panic for a stupid piece of litter.

Connor clutched onto his own hair tightly, until it started hurt.

“Fuck,” Connor choked out.

He was never one to swear, but he had to let all the stress out somehow.

“I think it’s a gorilla. Or a monkey,” Kevin was too focused on trying to wash the dirt and grime away, to notice how much Connor was freaking out.

He felt like crying. This was too much for his poor heart to take. It was still beating quickly against his ribcage. He was too young to have a heart attack.

“Fuck!” Connor said it louder this time.

Kevin finally glanced at Connor properly, “What’s…wrong?”

Connor just turned around and climbed back onto the shore. Less than a minute ago, he was under the assumption that Kevin had died on his watch.

Connor hadn’t noticed how he was on all fours, his chest heaving, until Kevin’s cool hand was on the small of his back.

“Connor, what’s wrong?” Kevin’s concerned face was only inches from his, “Please say something.”

Connor pulled Kevin into a fierce hug.

Kevin was really here. He was alive.

“Okay?”

“I’m so mad at you right now, Kevin Price,” Connor held on tight.

Kevin squirmed in his grip, “Umm…Is this related to the gorilla I found?”

Connor let out a strangled laugh. What was he going to do with Kevin?

“I didn’t see you when I came up. I thought I lost you,” Connor sat back onto his heels, hands still on Kevin’s shoulders.

Connor wanted to shake some sense into Kevin. Why wouldn’t he stop scaring Connor like that?

“Oh,” Kevin was taken aback, “Well, there was no need to worry.”

“What else was I supposed to think, Kev?! I thought I was going to have to drag your body out of the lake by myself!” Connor cried out in frustration.

He had way too many close calls with losing Kevin. It was too much. This was probably the sort of situation which the Church was trying to avoid by banning missionaries from swimming during their missions. It was a tad controlling, sure, but on the upside, no drowned missionaries.

“I’m fine, I’ve always been a decent swimmer. You need to stop assuming the worst every time.”

“And do you know how many times have I saved your life by doing so?” Connor retorted.

“I’m not a baby, Connor. I am totally capable of functioning without supervision.”

Connor snapped, “Sure! Next time I see you dying, I’ll just leave you to it. Is that what you want?”

Kevin narrowed his eyes at Connor, “Now you’re just being mean.”

Connor stopped and took a deep breath, “All I’m saying is that you can’t blame me for worrying, when you don’t exactly have a great track record at keeping out of danger and not asking for trouble.”

“Yeah. Okay, fine!" Kevin threw his hands up, "I asked for it! I asked for all of it! What are you going to do, handcuff me to your bed for the rest of my life?”

Connor blew out a breath, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Kevin scoffed and started putting on his clothes without another word. Connor had made Kevin mad. Well, what did Connor expect when he implied that everything that happened was Kevin’s fault?

“I don’t mean that,” Connor sighed, “Sorry.”

The situation was nobody’s fault. Connor was a worrier by nature, and Kevin was reckless as heck. He couldn’t tell if this meant that they were a made for each other, or if the universe was trying to tell him something.

Something like how being with Kevin was a bad idea.

Connor shook his head. They were fine. Life is not a bed of roses. He should have expected that life with Kevin was not going to be easy, if the past six months were any indication.

Kevin picked up his figurine from the ground and dusted it off with his towel.

“Are you going to keep that?” Connor changed the topic. An olive branch.

Kevin shrugged, “Finders keepers.”

The figurine was surprisingly hefty in Connor’s hands. The gorilla was sitting on a pile of leaves, with a twig sticking out from its mouth. Its eyes were giving Connor the creeps.

“Have you not watched enough horror movies to know that this is a bad idea? Cursed objects? Haunted dolls?” Connor pointed out, “Think about it, why would someone throw this into a lake? It could have been a murder weapon!”

Kevin snatched it back from Connor’s grasp, “You think that’ll deter me from keeping it? You just made me want it even more.”

“Just...make sure we won’t get jailed or killed for bringing this back, alright?” Connor had no choice but to concede.

“Oh,” Kevin’s eyes widened, “Are you thinking that there may be drugs hidden in this thing?”

Kevin flipped it over to examine the bottom.

“I wasn’t thinking that, but now that you’ve mentioned it, perhaps we should just throw it back to the lake where it belongs.”

“No!” Kevin declared adamantly, clutching the figurine to his chest.

Life is not a bed of roses, Connor reminded himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter's going to be a little different: 1st half will be in Kevin's POV, and the other half will be Connor's POV.


	15. Chapter 15

**_Kevin_ **

“How is married life treating you?” Kevin picked up a piece of banana from the cutting board, and popped it in his mouth.

“Stop that,” Nabulungi chided, pointing a finger at him, “It is good, I guess. It feels nice to know that I am not alone anymore.”

“Nabulungi, you were never alone. You had all the villagers.”

“It is not the same.”

“Mmm...Yeah,” Kevin contemplated, “I kinda know what you mean.”

He stole another piece of banana.

“Elder Price!” Nabulungi gritted her teeth.

“Seriously, you need to stop calling me that. I’m just Kevin now.”

“I will, if you stop taking my banana! We barely have enough for the matooke!”

Kevin pouted, “Fine.”

He tilted his chair back onto two legs, wondering about what Connor was doing now. They had split up for the day, with Kevin visiting the children and then joining his newly-wed friends for dinner, while Connor spent the day with his ex-mission companion.

Kevin sighed, as the thought of Connor reminded him of the lake. He hated his stupid brain. He had been having a really good time, until his brain decided to remind him of…

“Kevin.”

“What?” Kevin snapped back into the present.

“What are you daydreaming about?”

“You called me Kevin!” Kevin grinned, ignoring her question.

“Idiot,” Nabulungi rolled her eyes, “Arnold and I are planning to have a…what do you call that thing that follows the wedding…,” She trailed off as she tried to recall the word.

“Baby?”

“No! You idiot!” Nabulungi threw a hand towel at Kevin, “Ah! I remember. Honeymoon. We are planning for a honeymoon.”

“Oh, cool! Where to?”

“London.”

Kevin jumped up from his seat in excitement, “Really?!”

“Yes, really. Arnold said that he will miss you too much. So we have to go,” Nabulungi said with fake exasperation.

“This is so incredible!” Kevin grinned, “You are going to love it! I can’t wait! It's getting kinda lonely up there.”

Kevin couldn’t wait to show Nabulungi and Arnold around his new home.

“You are going to have to wait a bit more, we have to go back to Utah first,” Nabulungi frowned, “And why would you say that? Are you not happy in London?”

Kevin thought back to what he had said, “What did I- Oh,” It had just slipped out.

But Kevin would be lying if he said that he wasn’t feeling lonely.

He shook his head, “I am...happy. I’m just feeling...a bit cut off from everyone else.”

Back in Utah, Kevin was constantly surrounded by people. His family, people from the LDS Church, his friends from school. He had no shortage of people to talk to. But now, in London, he found himself alone at home more often than not, with only his books to keep him company, and the occasional phone call from Arnold.

Kevin wasn’t used to silence.

“Is this what I have to look forward to?” Nabulungi mused.

“Nah,” Kevin shook his head, “I mean, we can always make tons of friends when we go to school.”

“Eh, maybe,” Nabulungi waved her hands, “But I am used to having playing with myself. Baba has always left me at home while he worked.”

“Nabulungi, I’m sure you know how that sounds, right?” Kevin snickered.

Yes, he was all of ten years old. Some things never change.

“Sad?”

Nabulungi was totally missing the point, but Kevin decided to leave Nabulungi’s naivety untainted.

“Totally,” Kevin smirked at her, stealing yet another piece of banana, “Anyway, I think you will like London. Even more so than Utah. Maybe you can move in with us.”

“That would be nice,” Nabulungi nodded, “Arnold will say yes in a heartbeat.”

“Where is Arnold anyway?” Kevin huffed, twisting his torso around to look at the windows behind him.

He was getting really hungry, but they couldn’t start eating without Arnold.

Nabulungi stared pointedly at him, “You were the one who said you wanted to eat Kimbay’s posho.”

Kevin had just mentioned it in passing, that he missed Kimbay’s cooking, and he didn’t get the chance to eat her food at their wedding. Arnold took it upon himself to march over to Kimbay’s and beg her for some posho.

“I didn’t really expect him to go and get it,” Kevin didn’t deserve a friend like Arnold.

“That is Arnold for you.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Thanks for dinner. You’re getting really good at cooking,” Kevin hugged her goodbye, “Can’t wait to see you both again.”

“Someone has to keep the both of us alive somehow,” Nabulungi hugged him back, "See you in London!"

“Want me to walk you back, bud?” Arnold offered.

“Nah, I’m fine,” Kevin shook his head, “Thanks for the posho, Arn.”

Arnold hugged him tightly, “Anything for my best friend. Are you sure you don’t need me to walk you back to the hut? It’s getting dark.”

“I have my light,” Kevin switched on his flashlight, “And my phone with me.”

“Okay then. I'll miss you, Kev!”

"Yeah. Me too."

Kevin stepped away from the hut and waved, “Bye guys!”

He made his way towards the dirt path leading away from the villagers' huts, humming under his breath as he strolled. He tilted his head upwards. The setting sun painted streaks of red and yellow in the sky. It was a beautiful sight.

The only sounds keeping him company was the chirping of the crickets as he walked further and further away from the huts.

The deeper he walked into the forest, the heavier the air become, and the faster his heart pumped.

This wasn’t the peaceful and relaxing walk he had pictured in his mind. He was getting way too tense to enjoy the solitude.

Kevin started jogging, having half a mind to turn back and take Arnold on his offer to walk with him.

This was ridiculous, he was fully capable of going home by himself. The village was a lot safer now that the bad guys were gone.

His breath got caught in his throat when a breeze made the foliage around him rustle loudly.

Just the leaves, idiot. Just the leaves.

He slowed down to a brisk walk, trying to control his rapid breathing. His hand ached from the death grip he had on his flashlight. Ow. Kevin pried his sweaty palm off the flashlight and shook out the cramp. Ridiculous.

Absolutely ridiculous.

He should have been over this.

A sudden sound from within the forest made him snap his head around. His eyes darted around the dark row of trees lining the path, full of dancing shadows as they swayed with the wind.

What was that?

It sounded like it could have just been distant thunder.

Or a big cat.

Or a jeep.

No. Not that.

Kevin began sprinting, turning back to check if there was anything or anyone chasing him, until his left foot got caught in a small pothole, and it sent him flying and sprawling onto the ground.

Fucking ow.

Kevin winced as he propped himself up into a sitting position. He should probably have looked at where he was going. Fucking dumb move.

Fortunately, nobody had been here to witness his embarrassing face-plant onto the ground. It was also kinda unfortunate, because nobody was here to help him.

He tested his limbs gingerly. Everything hurts, his left ankle especially so, but nothing seemed broken. He would know for sure once he stood up. He brushed the tiny pebbles off his knees, unpleasantly surprised that they were a lot sharper than they looked. There wasn’t enough light to see very well, but his knees felt wet and sticky. Probably torn up his knees from the fall.

Kevin sighed. Why not, right? Seeing that he’s had the worst luck.

He hurled a stone into the bushes with a growl. Fuck this.

Fuck this road.

Nothing good ever happened on this road.

Fuck everything.

Kevin pushed himself off the ground, putting all his weight on his right leg. The stinging pain in his knees paled in comparison to his left ankle. It was hurting badly enough to be concerning.

"Please don't be broken," Kevin took an experimental step.

Excruciating, but he could still walk.

At least that meant he hadn’t fractured anything.

He could call Connor, but he wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to cry for help over grazed knees. And a possibly sprained ankle.

He’s had worse.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

**_Connor_ **

“Ugh, I probably shouldn’t even have told you that,” Connor groaned, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes, “This is embarrassing.”

“Oh shut up, you love embarrassing yourself in front of me,” Poptarts laughed, “So, to recap, you think that Kevin might have an issue with being intimate?”

“Well not exactly, just...sometimes?”

“Do you know why? Is it because of his upbringing, or some kind of traumatic experience? I knew someone in middle school, who knew someone who’s bishop was accused of sexual misconduct.”

Kevin’s story was not Connor’s to tell.

“I guess sometimes I got too into it, and he wasn’t ready to go that far.”

“Hmm...That does sound possible. He is new at this after all, right?” Poptarts shrugged, "Maybe you should go slower."

“And you think I’m not?!” Connor snorted.

It wasn’t as though Connor had tons of experience being gay, what with being a closeted Mormon his whole life. And Connor had been letting Kevin be the one to steer the wheel every time.

“I just-,” Connor sighed, “Wished that it wasn’t up to just me be being responsible all the time, you know? I want to have fun too! I want to be reckless too, and do things which I will regret the next morning!”

Poptarts raised an eyebrow, “C'mon. You don’t really want that. I’m sure of it.”

“That’s a bold statement to make,” Connor challenged, “How can you be sure of what I want?”

Even Connor was not so sure himself.

“Because I know you,” Poptarts winked, “I think you two just need to talk it out. Why don’t you just ask him?”

Connor hadn’t wanted to bring up any unpleasant memories for Kevin. What if Connor made things worse by asking Kevin about it? He didn't want them to take one step forward and two steps back. Connor knew how hard Kevin was trying to forget what happened.

“I don’t know...,” Connor sighed.

Poptarts nodded, “Just remember, Communication is the key to having good relationships.”

“You sound like a self-help book,” Connor laughed, "Yeah, maybe I should."

“Or you know, you can always go with the other guy,” Poptarts wriggled his eyebrows, “Antonio.”

“Ugh. Don’t you even-,” Connor groaned, “It’s Anthony.”

“Why not?” Poptarts teased, “He sounds cool. Hot too. What’s more to ask for?”

“I really hope you’re not basing the choice of your future better half on just these two parameters,”Connor snorted, shaking his head, “Why are you always trying to set me up with other guys?”

“Do I?” Poptarts acted surprised, “I’m only throwing out suggestions, feel free to ignore them if you want. Like you’ve asked me once: How can anyone be sure that they’ve found the one anyway? You can always treat the dinner like some kind of a free trial."

"What?!" Connor couldn't believe Poptarts was suggesting that.

"Just make sure that you’re taking care of yourself too, alright? I know Price can sometimes be...you know.”

Connor smiled, “I do take care of myself. What about you? Are you taking care of yourself?”

Poptarts smiled back, “I’m good. Still unsure of how long I’m going to be here, but I’m enjoying every minute of it. Missed having my companion yammer away at night though.”

“I can still yammer away in your ear if you want,” Connor held up his phone.

“I take that back,” Poptarts scrunched his nose.

The front door of the hut swung opened, a small chilly breeze blew into the living room.

Kevin was back.

“Hey, Ke- Oh my good gosh! What the heck happened?!” Connor gasped.

His boyfriend limped through the door, his legs smeared with red and brown.

Was he actually not capable of staying uninjured without Connor’s supervision?

“I’ll get the first aid kit,” Poptarts headed for the kitchen at once.

Connor grabbed Kevin’s arm and put it around his own neck, “Just lean on me, alright? How badly are you hurt? What happened? Did someone attack you?”

Poptarts came back with the first aid box, as Connor set Kevin down onto the couch.

“I just tripped and fell,” Kevin grumbled.

A low impact fall. That didn't sound too bad. Unless Kevin was talking about tripping and falling off a cliff. But then again, he wouldn’t be walking if he had fallen off a cliff.

“Gosh Kevin. How did you even do this?” Connor examined his legs, both of his knees were shredded. The cuts were not too deep, Connor didn’t think. He would need to clean them out to have a better look. Connor winced in sympathy. It was going to hurt.

Poptarts observed from over Connor’s shoulders, “Oh, nasty. You were right,” he turned his head towards Connor, “He is clumsy.”

“Poptarts!” Connor shushed him.

Kevin shot a dirty look at Connor.

Connor returned his attention to Kevin’s legs. He stood up, “Where else?”

Kevin just shrugged tiredly, “Sprained my ankle.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“So,” Kevin was laid up in bed, with his knees neatly bandaged, and his ankle propped up on two pillows, “I’m clumsy, huh?”

Connor gently placed an ice pack on Kevin’s swollen ankle, “I would say so? Look at what you’ve done to yourself…by walking.”

Kevin grimaced, reaching for the ice pack, “It’s too cold.”

“Just stay still, alright,” Connor advised, “You’ll be numb to the cold in a moment.”

Kevin pouted but laid back down onto the mattress.

“Don’t move,” Connor ordered, “I’m going to look for more bandages.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need more bandaging,” Kevin rolled his eyes.

“Yes you do. The ankle needs to be compressed and stabilised, so that it’ll heal better.”

“It’s cold!” Kevin complained some more, “You’re not supposed to leave it on too long!”

“Pretty sure thirty seconds is not too long, Kev.”

He headed out of the bedroom, to look for more bandages. Poptarts' head was stuck in a thick book. He looked up at the sound of Connor’s footsteps, “I heard whining. That means that he’s fine, right?”

“Mostly fine,” Connor opened up every cabinet he could see.

Poptarts never really got along with the idea of Connor dating Kevin Price. But Connor was grateful that his friend was still supportive of whatever Connor does, and whoever Connor chooses to date.

_“He’s like a child, don’t you think? Kind of childish,” Poptarts mentioned once._

Every fit that Kevin pitched on his mission only served to strengthen Poptarts’ opinion of Kevin. Not to mention that he had showed up at the door with two scraped up knees today. That didn’t help his image in the least.

If only Poptarts knew. If only he knew that Kevin was the furthest thing from being like a child. If only Poptarts knew that whatever that was left of Kevin’s childish innocence had been cruelly snatched away by an absolutely heinous act by a madman.

Sure, Kevin was stubborn and temperamental at times. Unfortunately most of these times happened during his time here in Uganda, in full view of Poptarts and all the other Elders; but most of the time he was intelligent, kind, passionate, and sensible. That was the side of Kevin which Connor wished that the Elders have seen, but his mission in Uganda was not one of Kevin's finest moments.

It didn't matter what the others think of Kevin, Connor tried to convince himself.

Connor gave a victorious whoop when he spotted the forgotten roll of ace bandages hidden underneath a frisbee, “Found it! I knew I saw it lying around somewhere!”

Poptarts shook his head, “What is that doing in a cabinet labelled ‘Fun Stuff’?”

“Beats me.”

Connor returned to their bedroom, “Is it still too cold?”

Kevin stared at Connor silently.

Connor frowned at the lack of reply, but he removed the ice from Kevin’s leg anyway.

“Any numbness? How’s the pain? I think we still need to go to the doctor’s when we get back home,” Connor carefully prodded Kevin’s foot. Just because Kevin could walk on it, didn’t mean that it wasn’t badly hurt. Kevin had a higher pain tolerance than most.

When he still didn’t make a sound, Connor lifted his head up, to find Kevin looking outside the window, deep in thought.

“Kev.”

“It’s fine,” Kevin said, “Doesn’t hurt if I don’t move it.”

Connor continued tending to Kevin’s ankle, wrapping it snugly with the bandage, while waiting for Kevin to tell him what the matter was. Kevin’s mood was considerably gloomier now, than before. 

“All done.”

“Thanks,” Kevin said quietly, slinking into his blankets and pulling them up to his chin, “Goodnight, Connor.”

Connor took a glance at his watch, it was only ten p.m.. A little too early for bedtime, given that this was their last night in Uganda. He could hear the rest of the Elders return to the hut, joining Poptarts in the living room. He hadn’t spent nearly enough time with the others, before they had to go back to their respective homes thousands of miles away from one another tomorrow.

“Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“Switch off the light on your way out?” Kevin gave Connor a knowing smile.

It was like he could read Connor’s mind.

“You don’t need me to stay?”

Kevin shook his head minutely.

Connor gave him peck on the forehead, and picked up his phone from the nightstand, “Yell if you need anything.”

"Okay."

The Elders were sitting around the couch, reminiscing about old times.

“McKinley, come join us! We were talking about that time you stepped knee-deep into cow dung!”

“Not my finest moment, but what about it?” Connor chuckled. It had stunk to high heavens.

“It was Neely’s turn today. He fell in a pile of shit! On his butt!”

“Because you pushed me you jerk!” Neely elbowed Church in his side.

“Ow! Okay, that makes us even!”

“Not even close! You better watch your back, James Church!”

Connor checked his phone as they bickered. His conversation with Anthony appeared on the screen once he unlocked his phone.

Huh. Weird.

He had been reading an article on treating ankle sprains.

There was a new message.

‘Tuesday can’t come quickly enough! Looking forward to our dinner!’

After pondering over what his reply was for a minute, Connor settled on a thumbs up emoticon.

To be perfectly honest, he too, looked forward to seeing Anthony in person again.


	16. Chapter 16

“Jack finally called me back,” Kevin said suddenly, “He left me a voicemail this morning.”

Connor was glad that Kevin’s brother came through. Even though it took him all of two months to call Kevin back, after he was told the truth about Kevin.

“Wha- Ugh!” Connor almost fell off his seat when the bus hit another pothole, “What did he say?”

“He confronted my parents,” Kevin shook his head in disapproval, “Even when I told him not to. He never listens to me,” Kevin lamented, “Doesn’t he know that he can’t win? There is no way to win when you’re up against my parents. How do you even reason with someone whose world view isn’t built upon reason?”

“I take it that it didn’t go too well?”

“No shit it didn’t,” Kevin sighed, “They had a fight, Jack ran off, and he’s now staying with a friend.”

“Did you call him back?”

“Not yet,” Kevin glanced out of the bus window, “I don’t know what to say to him.”

“Are your parents going to cut him off too?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin frowned, “Why did he have to do that? Now look at the mess.”

Connor thought that Kevin was being hypocritical. He himself had made the decision to go against his parents. Did he expect his brother to do nothing after knowing the truth? Shouldn’t he be glad that his baby brother has escaped from his toxic parents? That there was one more person on Kevin’s side?

“He was just standing up for you,” Connor tried to explain.

“And what good did it do? I don’t want him to end up like me.”

“Maybe that’s not a bad thing?”

Kevin laughed humourlessly, “Not a bad thing? To be homeless and penniless?”

“You’re not either of those things,” Connor pointed out.

“Not now. But…”

Connor could hear the insinuation, “But what?”

Kevin ignored the question, directing his gaze out of the window again.

Connor let out a sigh. Was Kevin still worried that Connor was going to break up with him? How many times must he repeat himself to get it into his boyfriend’s brain?

Even if things really didn’t work out in the end, Connor was not going to leave Kevin out on the streets like a bag of trash? His parents would kill him, they had raised him better than that.

“I saw your phone,” Kevin finally said, “Last night. It was an accident, I'm sorry. You’re going out with Anthony. It’s…uh,” Kevin winced, “I get it, I guess.”

“What do you mean ‘you get it’?!” Connor was appalled, “I’m not going out with him. It’s just a friendly dinner. Hey, you were the one who gave him my number.”

“Yeah,” Kevin breathed, laying against the window.

“I can cancel it. If you want me to,” Connor already knew what Kevin’s reply was.

“I don’t want that, Connor.”

What exactly did Kevin want, then?

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“This is clearly not going to work,” Connor planted his hands on his hips.

Kevin scoffed, “And you know that how?”

Connor sighed, “We can’t keep doing the same things and expect different results.”

“Can we just…try?” Kevin rolled his eyes, “Turn it off, like you used to do. C’mon.”

He narrowed his eyes at Kevin, “Seriously, Kev?”

Connor shook his head in annoyance and switched off their WiFi router. If only he could just call the network guy for assistance, instead of doing whatever Kevin was asking him to do fruitlessly, for the third time in a row. Kevin insisted that by the time Connor gets transferred to someone who could help, they would have already solved the problem.

“Now this time, we’re just going to let it stay switched off for longer.”

“I really don’t think-”

Kevin held up a hand to stop him, “You want your internet back or not?”

“I-,” Connor gave up, “How long are we supposed to wait?”

“I don’t know?” Kevin shrugged, “Just...longer.”

“Kev! This isn’t going to work!” Connor groaned loudly, “ I really need to submit this application by the next five minutes!”

“Boys! What’s all this commotion?” His mother opened the door, “I can hear you two in the driveway.”

“Hey Eileen.”

“Mom.”

“We’re fixing the internet.”

“We are NOT fixing anything,” Connor tapped furiously onto the WiFi icon on his laptop, “It’s! Not! Working!”

His mother had enough of them and escaped into the kitchen.

Kevin frowned at him, “Because you haven’t turned it back on yet, you dum-dum.”

Connor took a deep calming breath and tried the router again.

The lights blinked on one-by-one, way too slowly for Connor’s patience to deal with. In spite of that, it miraculously began working again, re-connecting Connor’s laptop onto the internet.

Kevin grinned smugly, “See?”

“Yeah,” Connor replied curtly.

Kevin grumbled, “You’re welcome.”

Connor finally submitted his application to the only school left on his list. This was it. His last hope at chasing his dream. It felt more like the last chance he had of seeing it before it got flushed down the toilet.

Connor sighed, and trotted up the stairs. He had exactly two minutes to get ready if he didn’t want to be late for his dinner not-date with Anthony. For some inexplicable reason, there was something inside of him which was buzzing with nervous energy. It has been making him restless and irritable ever since he woke up this morning.

“Where are you going?”

“Dinner,” Connor paused, “With Anthony.”

Connor shrugged a shoulder. He had nothing to hide.

“Oh. Right. Have fun.”

Connor surveyed the shirts hanging in his closet.

“Do you want to come with? I’m sure he won’t mind,” Connor asked, twisting around to look at Kevin.

“Nah.”

“You Sure?”

“Yeah,” Kevin nodded.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor was pleasantly surprised that his dinner went really well. Anthony was easy to converse with, and they have a lot more in common than Connor thought.

He was funny, too.

And then Anthony offered to send Connor home.

Oh. No.

That was too much like how a date would end.

“Umm, no thanks,” Connor turned him down, “I like taking the tube.”

Anthony lifted an eyebrow in question, “Wow. I’ve never heard anyone say that in my life.”

Connor shrugged.

“Do you want a lift to the station? So you don’t have to walk in the cold?”

“It’s okay it’s not too far. I missed walking in the cold.”

“You're odd,” Anthony chuckled, “Hey uh…Connor?” he rubbed the back of his neck, “Let’s do this again, shall we? I enjoyed dinner.”

“Yeah, sure. I enjoyed it too,”Connor smiled.

“I’ll text you again. I’m not sure when I’m going to be free the next few weeks.”

“Uh huh? Such a busy guy you are.”

Anthony sighed dramatically, “You would think that the puffy winter jackets would make it harder for people to break themselves.”

Connor burst out laughing.

“Yeah…you would think that.”

“Goodnight, Connor,” the corner of Anthony’s lips pulled up into a lopsided smile.

Connor ducked his head, “Goodnight,” feeling his cheeks heat up.

What the heck…

Was he blushing?!

“I umm…I better get going,” Connor turned around on his feet.

This was embarrassing.

“See you again soon, handsome!” Anthony called out from behind him.

“Haha, yeah,” Connor giggled.

Connor face-palmed himself mentally.

What was that, Connor McKinley?

What was that?!

He didn’t even dare to look back.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Fuck!”

Connor pressed his ears against the wooden door.

“FUCK!”

“Hey,” Connor pushed the door open, “Is everything alright?”

Kevin was sprawled on his bed, scowling.

“What the fuck do you think?!”

Connor closed the door softly behind him, “What happened?”

“I returned J’s call.”

“And?”

“And, he’s mad at me right now.”

“Why?”

“Why? Because I was trying to stop him from doing something stupid.”

Connor sat down onto the bed beside Kevin’s feet.

“Why would he be mad at you for that?”

“Right?!” Kevin sat up.

“What did you tell him?”

Kevin chewed on his bottom lip, “I told him to go back home.”

“But…you know how your parents are like,” Connor didn’t get it. Why would Kevin want Jack to go back to...that?

“It’ll just be for a year or two! Until he goes to college.”

“Why?”

“I’ve told you why!” Kevin threw his hands up.

Always so stubborn.

“Well, you can’t blame him for hating the suggestion. If I had told you to do that, you’d be mad at me too,” Connor placed a hand on Kevin’s knee.

“It’s…different!” Kevin huffed, “He can’t do this alone! I've always been there to watch over him when my parents weren't around.”

Connor squeezed his knee lightly, “He's eighteen, he’ll find a way to make things work. You did.”

Kevin stared down at Connor’s hand with tightly knitted brows, “I just…I don’t know how else I can help him. Not with me being…Unless-,” Kevin shook his head.

“Unless?” Connor had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what Kevin was thinking.

Kevin looked crestfallen, “You know…maybe…I- Maybe I could go back.”

“Go back?”

“I don’t know!” Kevin backtracked, “I don’t know.”

“Or,” Connor didn't want to entertain the thought of Kevin leaving, “Jack can come here. To stay with us.”

“What? No! I can’t ask- Connor, your parents have done more than I can ever repay them for-”

“They’re not looking for you to-”

“No, alright? No,” Kevin cut him off, “I just...I need to think.”

Connor nodded slowly.

“Okay...Umm, do you want me to leave you alone?”

“No,” Kevin scooted over to one side of the bed, “Stay. Please?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Kevin's POV. Again. Yeet!


	17. Chapter 17

**KEVIN**

 

He hadn’t gotten the chance to ask Connor how his dinner with Anthony went. Whatever. He decided that he didn’t need to know that.

“This cabinets sure are dirty as fuck,” He grumbled to himself.

Dr Chester made him digitise and clean out the cabinets full of old patient records, which has been collecting dust for god knows how many decades.

He always had a feeling that the old and bald doctor didn’t like him all that much.It didn't matter. He was just here to earn some money, and get some experience for his CV.

Kevin hissed when a sharp bolt of pain shot through his still-healing ankle, causing him to almost drop the thick stack of loose yellowed papers in his arms. Wrong step.

Ow.

That would have been a bitch to clean up. Especially since Dr Chester had handwriting which was barely legible.

Kevin sneezed at the cloud of dust which formed from setting the papers down onto the small table.

Even their mission hut in Uganda had been cleaner than this miserable windowless room. But this mess of a room reminded him of Jack’s bedroom at home. His brother was never one for cleaning up.

Kevin blew out a frustrated breath.

Why didn’t Jack get it? Kevin was trying to stop his baby brother from ending up like he did, cut off from everyone back home. Kevin was lucky to have Connor and his parents. Jack didn’t have a Connor.

His phone vibrated loudly on the metal table, snapping him out of his reverie.

What?

Kevin froze as he stared at the screen.

Mom's number.

Why would she be calling?

“Kevin?”

Kevin missed the sound of her voice. Even after everything.

He sighed, “Yeah?”

“Why are you doing this?”

He flinched at her biting tone, “What?”

“You’re breaking our family up, Kevin. Is this the thank you we get for bringing you up? Is this how your repay your parents for all the sacrifices we have made for you?”

“What happened to you, Kevin? You used to be such a good boy, now look at you. You’ve condemned yourself, and worse! You’re dragging your brother along with you. Do you know what happens in Hell, Kevin?”

What the fuck?

Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose, “Did you call to just yell at me?”

His mother paused her tirade at other end of the line.

“Tell me where Jack is.”

Last Kevin heard, his brother was staying with a non-LDS friend outside the city. Someone he had met at one of his softball bootcamps.

“Why are you asking me?”

She must have been really desperate to be calling Kevin for help.

“It’s not too late, Kevin. To ask for forgiveness. Help me to get Jacky home, and I’ll talk to your father. You’ll be able to come home too.”

“Come home, and repent for your sins. Heavenly Father will forgive you eventually.”

When Kevin stayed quiet, her tone grew more impatient.

“Do you have any idea how much you’ve hurt us, Kevin? By doing what you did? By turning your brother against us? Do you want Jack to go to Hell? To burn in eternal flames? He doesn’t deserve this, Kevin.”

Something finally clicked in Kevin’s brain. He finally saw how Jack would be better off if he stayed far away from his parents. He was reminded of how wrong they were, about so much. And this was not the life he would have wanted for Jack.

“I didn’t do anything,” Kevin gritted his teeth.

She exhaled loudly, “I knew it. I knew we should have said something when they assigned the Cunningham boy as your com-”

“Arnold has nothing to do with this.”

“Then what is it? What happened to you, Kevin?”

Kevin sneered. If she only knew.

“Mr Price! Am I paying you for you to be on your phone all day?”

Kevin jumped when the doctor’s booming voice filled the small space.

He shook his head minutely.

“Sebaceous cyst excision. Are you coming to watch, or have you given up on going to medical school?”

“Coming,” Kevin nodded, “Right behind you.”

“I’m not going to wait for you to start, Mr Price,” Dr Chester barked as he left.

Kevin didn’t expect him to.

“If anything happens to your brother, it’ll be your fault, Kevin.”

His heart clenched. Kevin didn’t need his mom to tell him that. He already knew that. If anything went wrong, the only person he would blame was himself.

“Look, I don’t know where Jack is,” Kevin lied, “I have to go.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

It was going to be Christmas in a week’s time. For the first time in his life, Kevin hated the sight of all the Christmas trees and ornaments decorating the streets. It reminded him of how much he used to love Christmas, because of the Church, and because of family. Now, he had neither.

Being free from his family didn't bring about the sense of liberation which he had been anticipating. It was just emptiness, and loneliness. And guilt. To know that nobody in the Price family was going to be enjoying the holiday this year too. And then there was Jack.

Kevin wondered who Jack was going to spend the holidays with.

Christmas has lost all of its meaning for Kevin.

Kevin took a big gulp of the lukewarm eggnog latte in his hand.

Ugh. Too sweet.

His mom made the best eggnog. Non-alcoholic, of course. Kevin and his brother would eat their breakfast cereals with leftover eggnog, much to the disgust of everyone else in the family.

Kevin continued strolling along the Thames, surrounded by tourists, Christmas shoppers, and families, but still feeling like he was the only person left in the whole world.

The phone call with his mom weighed heavily on his mind. What if something did happen to Jack? What if somewhere down the road, Jack realised that this was not worth it? That it was a mistake to have given everything up, for Kevin? What if-

Connor was calling.

“Yeah?”

“Kev, hey! Where are you?”

Kevin glanced around at his surroundings. Where was he?

“Umm…I don’t- Why?”

“Date night?” Connor suggested.

Kevin laughed softly. They haven’t had a proper date in ages.

Maybe this was what Kevin needed after his crappy day.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“So uh…Is there anything that you want?” Connor suddenly asked, while cutting into his steak.

Kevin frowned, “What? Like dessert?”

“No. For Christmas. Is there anything you want for Christmas?”

“You don’t have to get me anything.”

“Kevin Price doesn’t want Christmas presents? Am I in some upside down universe?”

Kevin rolled his eyes.

His parents have always taught them that Christmas was never about the presents. It was about God, just like everything else in that family was.

Connor pressed on, “Seriously though, I rather not buy you a present that you’ll hate."

“I’m going to like whatever you get me, Connor,” Kevin promised.

“You say that now.”

Kevin scooped up the last of his risotto, “Whatever.”

“Bad day at work? The doc’s being a dick again?”

“When is he not,” Kevin sighed and reached for the menu, “Dessert? I need some chocolate.”

The nice dinner was not doing anything to help lift his mood. The food was delicious, and Connor was happier than usual. Everything was great, except for himself. But Kevin was determined to not spoil Connor’s great mood.

Connor guffawed at a text he had received, before realising that we wasn’t alone, “Uh, could you help me order the gingerbread lava cake?”

He chuckled again as he typed a reply, a smile lingering on his lips.

“What?” Kevin felt left out.

Connor looked up, “Huh? Oh, nothing. Just...,” He resumed his typing, “I have some good news to tell you. Just hold on a sec...”

Kevin waited.

“Right. So,” Connor looked squarely at Kevin, “I think I might have a shot.”

Kevin gestured at him to continue, because he had absolutely no clue what Connor was going on about.

“Central School of Speech and Drama!”

“Uh huh? Umm...Did you get in?” Kevin was still lost. The name meant nothing to him.

“Well, not yet. But they’re asking me for financial aid information. That’s good news, right?”

“I guess? That’s...awesome!”

Connor probably heard the question in Kevin’s tone, “It’s a really good school. One of the best! The second on my list, in fact.”

“Great,” Kevin cringed at the false cheeriness in his voice, “When will you know? For sure?”

“Maybe in a week or two?” Connor beamed, “To think that I was so worried I won’t be able to get in anywhere. If I did get in, it’ll be the best Christmas gift ever!”

“You worked hard for it, Connor. You deserved it.”

“Thanks, Kevin.”

“We should get some wine to cel-,” Kevin trailed off as Connor was enraptured by his phone once again.

“Who’s that? Poptarts?”

Connor remained distracted, “Nah. Just…a fr- Anthony. You were saying?”

Kevin hid his dismay behind the menu. He was way too tired to even muster a convincing smile, “Wine? To celebrate.”

Alcohol. That was what he needed. Alcohol and chocolate.

“You choose, I’m gonna head to the bathroom,” Connor got up and left the table.

Kevin didn’t think that he could feel any more down than he was. But there he was, sitting alone in a crowded restaurant, wishing he could just lay on the ground and let it swallow him up.

Anthony made Connor laugh. He made Connor happy.

Kevin wasn't oblivious. He knew that he hasn't been the best company. All that he had done the few months they had been together, was the opposite of making Connor laugh. Kevin's contributions to this relationship was in the form of his baggages and mess-ups.

The bottle of wine arrived before Connor came back. Kevin seized the opportunity, poured himself a glass, and downed the entire glass in one long gulp.

They were just friends.

Or so Connor said.

There was no reason for Kevin to be…what was this feeling?

Jealousy? Depression? A mix of both?

They were just friends.

For now.

When Kevin gave Connor’s number away, he had been trying to help Connor get into a drama school. Kevin never even thought about how it may actually lead to Connor getting a whole new boyfriend instead.

“Hey! You started without me,” Connor scolded playfully, “Save some for me.”

Kevin poured himself another glass of chilled wine.

“You okay?” Connor was frowning.

Kevin knocked back another glass, “Super.”

“Slow down, Kev,” Connor advised.

“Live a little. It’s not a proper celebration if we’re not wasted.”

Connor pondered over it for a second, before shrugging and following in Kevin’s footsteps.

Kevin raised his glass, “Here’s to the future Tony award winner.”

“Kev, c’mon,” Connor laughed, “Too much.”

“No, you c’mon. You’ll do something incredible, Connor. I know you will.”

Connor clinked his glass against Kevin’s, “And what are you aiming for? Nobel prize?”

“I guess I can settle for a Nobel,” Kevin smiled, genuinely this time.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

All the lights were off, when they got home. Except for the Christmas tree, which illuminated the corner of the living room.

It was one in the morning already? Kevin didn’t think they had spent so much time walking back home.

“The tree looks prettier when I’m drunk,” Connor announced as he held a golden bauble between his fingertips.

“You’re the one who put it up.”

“I’m not very good at it, am I?” Connor turned around and grabbed Kevin by his waist.

Kevin gasped.

“You look prettier too,” Connor stared at Kevin, examining him.

“Excuse me?” Kevin scoffed.

At least now Kevin knew that Connor's tolerance to alcohol was non-existent. 

Connor pressed his lips against Kevin’s. A little too hard, his coordination marred by the haze of alcohol.

“Connor, what-”

Usually, kissing, with Connor, was not unlike riding on a roller coaster. There was an undercurrent of fear, but there was also pleasure, and Kevin enjoyed the ride.

But tonight, it felt more like riding on a roller coaster after realising that he wasn’t buckled in.

Kevin just wanted it to stop.

He wanted to get off.

Get off.

_“Get off me!”_

_“You did not ask nicely, white boy.”_

_“Please. Please! Don't do this!”_

_The man had laughed._

_“Stop! Please stop.”_

“Connor, stop.”

“Stop!” Kevin pushed Connor away, and kept him at arm’s length.

Connor was still fighting against Kevin’s hold. He had never done that before. Connor always stopped when Kevin asked him to.

There was a look of confusion on Connor’s face as he whined, “Why can’t I kiss my boyfriend?”

Kevin decided that he didn’t like Connor when he was drunk. He couldn’t trust this Connor.

“Because I said so,” Kevin pried away from Connor and marched up the stairs, leaving Connor by the Christmas tree.

Fuck!

Kevin threw himself onto his bed, and his breaths dissolved into sobs. The day finally caught up to him, and he was falling over the edge. Jack, his mom, Dr Chester, Anthony, and now Connor. It was all too much.

Too much!

Kevin just laid there in the dark, gasping, unable to get enough air. It was too much.

“Kevin?”

The knob jiggled, but the door did not budge.

Did he lock the door? He couldn’t remember. But there was no way he was going to be able to get up from his bed now.

“I’m sorry,” Connor’s voice was faint.

Kevin hugged his knees to his chest, wishing that he could go back to the time before everything went wrong. Or that he could just stop existing.

Kevin was tired. So tired.

His eyes burned, and his throat ached. No matter how hard he tried, he was never going to catch a break.

Was it even worth it anymore?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide.

**ARNOLD**

An incessant, shrill noise interrupted one of the best intergalactic space party Arnold had been dreaming of.

Dang! Who knew Han Solo could breakdance so well?

Arnold turned his head towards the noise, his eyes still shut.

Fire alarm?

Nah. They didn’t install a fire alarm in the hut. In retrospect, they probably should have. The hut was made of wood. Wood was flammable.

It was their new phone hanging on the living room wall.

“Make it stop,” Nabulungi elbowed him in the ribs.

Ow.

There went his chance of pretending to ignore the phone, and leave it for Nabulungi to deal with. It was her house after all, if anyone were to call, it would be for her.

“Arnold. Go!”

Arnold grunted as he got out of bed, feeling around in the dark for his glasses.

Where was- Oh, forget it! He didn’t need to see, to answer the phone.

Ten steps and a stubbed big toe later, he finally picked up the receiver.

“Hello?” Arnold rubbed at his sore toe.

There was a stuttered breath on the other end of the line.

“Umm…Who’s this?” Arnold’s hand went up to his nose bridge to push up his- Oh. Not-there glasses. An automatic action he does when he’s nervous, and a phone call in the middle of the night with someone who was clearly crying on the other line was making him nervous.

“Kev?” He guessed.

A sniff.

“Is everything alright, bud?”

Idiot, Arnold! Of course it wasn’t. If not, he wouldn’t be standing by the phone in the dark right now.

Did someone die?

Arnold gasped audibly. Did McKinley die?!

“Kev, talk to me.”

Something awful must have happened to his best friend. And Arnold was not sure if he was ready for the news.

“Arnold,” Kevin’s voice was barely audible over the line, “Arnold, I’m scared.”

“I’m here, bud. I’m here for you,” Arnold wanted to give his friend a hug so bad.

Was Kevin having one of his bad dreams again? But why would he call Arnold? Where was Connor McKinley?

“Arnold, I’m scared that I’m going to-,” Kevin choked, “Kill myself.”

Arnold was freaking out, “No no no no! Kev, what are you talking about?! You can’t do that! Why would you want to do that?!”

“Hello? Kev? Are you still there?”

Kevin sobbed, “Yeah.”

“Where are you?”

“Kevin, where are you?”

Kevin sighed softly, “In bed.”

Bed was good. Bed was safe. At least Kevin wasn’t already standing on the ledge of a building.

Oh no, wait a minute. People on TV liked to commit suicide by pills, didn’t they?

“Where’s McKinley?!”

“I don’t know. Sleeping.”

Arnold, think! How can you stop your best friend from off-ing himself? This was bad. This was very bad.

Nabulungi! Nabu would know what to do.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare hang up on me now, Kevin Price!” Arnold shouted into the phone in a panic.

Arnold gasped. Oh no. He probably shouldn’t have yelled at Kevin. Now, his best friend was going to hang up, and Arnold was going to lose him forever.

Much to his surprise, Kevin chuckled. It was the sad kind of laugh, but Kevin stayed on the line.

“You need to wake Mckinley up and tell him what you told me, okay?” Arnold spoke softly, and cautiously.

“No.”

“Why not?!”

“Don’t you see, Arnold? I’m just…I’m better off gone.”

“No! Don’t say that! Why would you think that?”

Kevin sighed heavily, “Bye, Arnold.”

“Hey! No, no! You called me! You called me, which means deep down you really don’t want to do this! You just need some help now, and everything’s going to be okay! Kevin, please don’t go,” Arnold bawled loudly.

Nabulungi’s hand was at his shoulder, “What happened?”

“Is that Nabulungi?” Kevin asked.

“Yes. Yes! Do you want to talk to her, Kevin?” Arnold was reluctant to give up the phone, his only connection with his best friend, but Nabulungi was always better with her words than Arnold was.

“It’s okay, Arnold. I love you both.”

The line dropped.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

**CONNOR**

The sunlight was piercingly bright, Connor had forgotten to pull down his blinds last night. And his mouth tasted awful. Like rotten garbage.

Last night.

Last night was a train wreck. He vaguely recalled trying to kiss Kevin, even after Kevin had refused. When it came to Kevin, this was probably one of the worst things which Connor could have done.

Connor still remembered telling Poptarts how he was yearning to do something reckless. Well, his wish had been granted. Poptarts was right. He hated it. He hated being the cause of Kevin’s distress.

Connor's eyes bulged as he checked his phone.

15 missed calls from Nabulungi. The last one was five minutes ago.

What the heck?!

‘Good morning!’ A text popped up on his screen. Anthony.

‘Bad morning,’ Connor typed.

‘Sorry to hear that. What happened?’

Connor sighed, and called Nabulungi back.

“Kevin?!” Arnold answered on the first ring.

“No. It’s Connor,” he frowned, “What- Ugh,” Connor pulled his blankets over his head to escape the excruciating brightness, “What’s with the calls? Did something happen?”

“Have you been asleep this whole time?!” Arnold shouted, “Is Kevin okay?!” Connor winced from the loudness of Cunningham’s vocals, "Go and check on him!"

“What? Hold on,” Connor sat up, and started towards Kevin’s room, where his boyfriend was supposed to be, safe and sound. Why on Earth would Arnold be worried about Kevin?

Connor rapped twice on Kevin’s door with his knuckle, “Kevin?”

“Are you looking at him? Is he still alive?!” Arnold asked urgently.

“What?!” Connor was absolutely floored. What the heck kind of question was that?!

“Kev!” Connor tried the doorknob next. Just like last night, it was still locked, “He’s probably still asleep Arnold. Did you have a nightmare or something?” He laughed.

That seemed to have ignited Arnold’s anger, “Listen, McKinley! I don’t know what you’ve done or what happened, I don’t have time to be mad at you right now. But Kevin called me last night telling me that he was going to-,” Arnold sucked in a sharp breath, “He said that he was going to hurt himself.”

Connor gulped.

What did Arnold just say?!

That Kevin was going to what?

Connor pounded on the door a few more times. Harder this time.

He needed the key to unlock the door. But did they even have it? Connor was about to step away, when the door opened.

“What the fuck?” Kevin squinted at him, “Are you trying to bring the whole house down?”

“Kev,” Connor gave him a once over.

Kevin was alive and talking. Although, he did look pretty awful. 

“Kev? Are you talking to Kevin? Do you see him? Is he okay?!” Arnold screeched.

“He’s okay, Arnold.”

Kevin’s expression fell at the sound of Arnold’s name. He hung his head and held out his hand for the phone.

“Oh my gosh! Let me talk to him, McKinley!”

Connor handed it over.

“Arnold,” Kevin sighed, “I’m sorry.”

Connor’s mind was still reeling from the shock of what Arnold had told him.

“I’m fine,” Kevin glanced at Connor, “now.”

He was fine now. Which meant that he wasn’t fine before. And he had called Arnold, who was all the way in Uganda, instead of Connor, who was just next door.

It hurt.

Was it because of what Connor did yesterday? Did Connor traumatise Kevin so much?

“Yeah. Okay,” Kevin climbed back into his bed, “No, no. Don’t. I’m…I’m sorry.”

After a few more rounds of apologies, Kevin hung up.

Connor inched closer towards the bed, but still keeping his distance, “What’s going on?”

Kevin chewed on his bottom lip.

“Arnold said that you wanted to…,” Connor couldn’t get the word out.

“I did,” Kevin nodded once, “I tried to, but I couldn’t. So there’s that.”

“What do you mean you tried?”

“Does it matter?”

Connor ran a hand through his hair, “Yes, Kev. It does. Of course it does.”

Was Connor supposed to be bringing Kevin to the emergency room right now? It was worrying to see how normal Kevin was acting, when he was struggling. Has Kevin been feeling like that for a while now? Because Connor had no idea. Everything had appeared to be fine.

Even now, if Arnold hadn't said a word, Connor would never have guessed. Kevin was the champion of compartmentalisation.

“I guess, I didn’t really want to die,” Kevin admitted, “I took all that,” he pointed to the empty blister pack on his table, “And then I puked them back up.”

Connor was at a loss for words. His hand flew to his mouth. Kevin could easily have died, had he been more determined. While he was fast asleep in the next room over. He could have been trying to wake Kevin up, only to find that he wasn’t breathing. Stiff, and probably already ice-cold to the touch. Connor shuddered at the mental image.

“Was it…because of me?” Connor asked hesitantly.

Kevin deliberated, “Connor, it’s not because of anyone. I’m just…stressed. But it’s all fine now. I don’t-”

“Well, I can’t even die right,” Kevin mumbled under his breath and scoffed, “I don’t want that anymore.”

Connor didn’t appreciate the self deprecation one bit.

"Kev, this isn’t just stress. You may be depressed or something. Please promise me that you’ll schedule an appointment with the doc and let him know?” Connor pleaded.

Kevin nodded, “Yeah. I will.”

“I mean- Did you even think about how we’d feel? How I’d feel? Or how Arnold would feel? You know that he will be blaming himself for the rest of his life, if he knew that he couldn’t stop you. Or your brother?” Connor didn’t know where this anger was coming from, “You’ve come so far and now, you want to throw it all away? You can’t just- do that to me. After everything.”

“Nobody’s indispensable. You’ll all learn to move on eventually.”

"I won't, Kevin," Connor disagreed.

"Yes you will."

Connor was resigned that Kevin was not going to be able to hear anything he was saying right now. Kevin didn't need a lecture.

Connor changed the topic, “Listen, about yesterday, I’m so so so sorry. That was very wrong. I swear that I’ll never ever drink again.”

Kevin shook his head lightly, “I’m tired, Connor.”

It was Kevin’s way of telling Connor that he was not forgiven. Not yet.

It hurt.

Just like how Kevin didn’t ask Connor for help when he needed it the most.

“Okay,” Connor had to let Kevin rest, "okay."

"I love you, Kevin. So much."

Kevin just stared back at Connor. For the longest time.

Connor's heart was stuck in his throat as he waited.

"I love you too."


	19. Chapter 19

Connor’s knee bounced up and down, as he sat watching doctors, nurses, and patients milling about in the hallways through the open door.

There was just one other person in the small waiting room, a man who was too engrossed in his phone to pay any mind to Connor. He seemed perfectly healthy to Connor, but he mustn’t have been, since he was also here, waiting for his turn to see the doctor. Connor sucked at this. It was like how Connor had absolutely no clue that Kevin was even in trouble, until it was almost already too late. Just when Connor thought that everything in their life was finally falling into place, it was actually falling apart.

Connor sighed. They still haven’t had a talk about their kiss by the Christmas tree.

“I’m done.”

Connor jumped at the sudden sound, “You’re done. Finally.”

“You have somewhere you need to be?” Kevin raised his eyebrows.

“No,” Connor stood, “So? What now?”

Kevin shrugged, “Go home. There’s really nothing much to it, Connor.”

“You can’t be serious? So we’re doing nothing? He didn’t give you anything? Not even like anti-depressants or something?”

Kevin rolled his eyes, “I’m not depressed.”

“Are they not even going to keep you here for observation? What if you- I mean, we’re just going home? Pretend that nothing happened?”

The whole point of seeing the doctor was to get Kevin some help. But there wasn’t any. Connor was just supposed to play the waiting game? Wait and see if Kevin got the urge to try again? It was nerve-wracking to know that they were on their own, that it was up to Connor to keep Kevin alive, that it was up to Connor to recognise the signs the next time this were to happen.

Signs? What signs?

Kevin didn’t even call for Connor.

He called for Arnold.

“You’re freaking out. Why?” Kevin frowned, “You want me to be locked up in the psych ward?”

“No, I’m just...at a loss.”

Kevin seemed to understand Connor’s frustrations. He nodded, “I know it sucks, but there really is nothing else anyone can do, alright? I’ll be fine.”

Connor nodded reluctantly, “Okay. Let’s go home.”

They were walking within inches of each other, but it felt like they were miles apart. Their hands close, but not touching. Kevin kept to himself, and Connor was consciously trying to give Kevin some space, after that whole episode. It was challenging, Connor wanted to hold Kevin’s hand so bad. He needed some sort of connection with Kevin, to be assured that they were okay, and that they were going to beat this together.

“Are you hungry?” Connor’s own stomach was growling.

Kevin sighed, “Not really.”

“Okay,” Connor sounded sad even to his own ears.

“We can eat something, if you want to,” Kevin offered. He slipped his hand into Connor’s and pulled them towards a small cafe, before Connor had a chance to reply.

The effect of Kevin’s touch was instantaneous. It was as if a huge rock has been lifted off Connor’s shoulders.

“What?”

Connor was smiling, “Nothing.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Hey uh,” Connor put down his sandwich. He couldn’t wait a second longer, “I know you think apologies are pointless, but I really need to say it.”

Kevin looked at him curiously.

“I’m sorry. For what I did by the tree. I’ve been beating myself up inside and I feel really awful for that. I’m really really sorry.”

Connor was pretty certain that Kevin had forgiven him by now, but he was still holding his breath for what Kevin was going to say.

“I know,” Kevin dug at the foam on his coffee, “It’s fine. It happens.”

“That’s the thing, it shouldn’t,” Connor sighed, “I shouldn’t.”

“Let’s just forget about it, alright?”

Connor nodded, “If that’s what you want, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“Yeah. I know.”

Connor was somehow unconvinced, “That night, when we went out for dinner, were you already thinking about doing it?”

He recalled seeing Kevin chugging the wine like it was water, as if he was drowning his sorrows. On the other hand, Kevin was also laughing along with his jokes, talking to him about drama school and their futures. If Kevin had already knew then, that he wasn't going to have a future...

Kevin frowned, “It's not like that.”

“Then what is it like?”

“Connor, I’ve been talking about it for over an hour. I think I’m done talking about my issues for the day,” Kevin rubbed at his temples, “Can we just…talk about something else?”

Connor went back to chomping away at his sandwich, trying to cover up any sense of disappointment he was feeling. It seemed as though Kevin was talking to everyone except for Connor.

Why?

Connor has always been a good listener, right? All the Elders loved telling Connor all about their woes in Uganda. Except for Kevin. Connor had to constantly beg and remind his boyfriend to let Connor in.

“Have you heard back from your school yet?” Kevin asked, changing the topic.

Connor shook his head, “Not yet.”

He hadn’t been too pushy, right? Neither did he dismiss Kevin's problems whenever Kevin confided in him.

So why wouldn’t Kevin talk to him?

“Connor.”

Connor looked up at Kevin.

“What is it?” Kevin asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

‘Nothing’ was what should have come out of Connor’s mouth, but instead, Connor found himself asking, “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

Kevin’s brows furrowed.

“Why did you call Arnold for help? Instead of me?” Connor elaborated.

Kevin blinked and stared at him, while Connor waited.

“You would’ve stopped me.”

“And Arnold wouldn’t have?” Connor challenged.

“Arnold couldn’t have. Not like you could’ve, physically, I mean. I needed to make my own choice,” Kevin sighed, “And I know you’ll refuse to see that, you are going to find someone better if I’m gone. It won’t be the end of the world.”

“Are you saying that you were doing it for MY sake?” Only after Connor vocalised it, did he realised how mad he was at Kevin for trying to end his own life.

He hadn't noticed the anger simmering under the surface, threatening to boil over. Until now.

He was mad at Kevin for putting himself down; he was mad at Kevin for assuming Connor wouldn’t care, that he would have moved in with his life as if Kevin didn’t matter; and he was mad at Kevin for making him feel mad at such an awful situation.

Okay, so maybe the last one wasn’t fair.But still, Connor wanted to shake some sense into Kevin. How many times have they gone over this? How many more times must they go over this, To get it into the impenetrable skull of Kevin’s?

Connor dragged a tired hand down his face, “Kevin, man, I’m running out of ways to convince you. What do you want me to do, huh? Do we need to get married before you will believe me? We could, you know? Get married? Let’s get married,” Connor got off his chair, and down onto the floor on one knee, “Will you marry me, Kevin Price?”

Kevin looked horrified, “What the fuck are you doing? Get up!”

Well, it was too late to back out now.To be honest, Connor have been thinking about it, ever since Arnold and Nabulungi’s wedding. Connor couldn’t wait to put a ring on Kevin’s finger. They were going to get married eventually, right? So why not now?

“Will you marry me?” Connor repeated, with more conviction.

Kevin looked around at the other patrons in the cafe, who had their full attention on the both of them. Even the servers had stopped and were watching them.

“Cut it out,” Kevin whispered, “This isn’t funny.”

“I’m serious, Kev. We can just get married, and nothing else has to change,” Connor took Kevin’s hand, “I love you, Kevin. Only you. And I want to marry you.”

Kevin’s eyes were welling up, but they were not happy tears.

They were Kevin’s angry tears.

Uh oh.

Kevin yanked his hand away from Connor and stood up, his chair scraping loudly across the floor, cutting through the stillness in the small space.

Someone gasped loudly.

Kevin marched out without another word.

Connor genuinely thought that this was what Kevin wanted, but it was apparent he had assumed wrongly.

He didn’t understand.

Kevin had agreed with him at the wedding, that they should get married.

“Kev,” Connor caught up with his fuming boyfriend, who was heading straight to the tube station.

Kevin kept walking without sparing a glance at Connor.

“So you don’t want to get married?” Connor was still scratching his head over what Kevin was actually thinking.

He was so sure that Kevin had said yes, at the wedding.

“Don’t talk to me right now,” Kevin gritted his teeth.

Connor trudged down the steps beside Kevin, “I’m sorry.”

He actually have no clue what he was apologising for. Was Kevin angry because Connor didn’t get a ring? That he didn’t do it the proper way?

That must be it, right?

Kevin probably wanted a proper, romantic, fully thought-out proposal. It was a once-in-a-lifetime event after all.

Of course, Connor!

Kevin deserved better than an impromptu proposal in the middle of lunchtime rush.

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

KEVIN

 

What the fuck was happening?! What the fuck was wrong with Connor?!

What was he doing? What was he thinking?

“I’m sorry."

Kevin could hear the question in his apology. He didn’t even know what he was apologising for.

How about putting Kevin in the spot like that? By popping the question while Kevin was going through one of his lowest points of his life? Or how about making marriage seem like a favour to Kevin, as if it was going to solve all of his problems?

“I thought you wanted to get married?” Connor sighed.

When the fuck did Kevin ever say that?

Kevin slapped his card against the reader, “What are you talking about?”

“At the wedding,” Connor offered hastily, “You said you wanted us to get married.”

“I never said that.”

Connor must have dreamt that one up all by himself.

“You don’t want to marry me?” Connor’s shoulders slumped.

Kevin shook his head and sighed, “I never said that either.”

He wished that Connor would just stop putting words in his mouth. Kevin could feel his eyes welling up again. Why couldn’t Connor understand? Why couldn’t anyone understand what he was going through?

It was petrifying to be Kevin right now. Marriage was the last thing on his mind.

Kevin was balancing on a tight rope, always a breeze away from spiralling out of control. Kevin was afraid of talking to Connor, or his brother, his mother, to anyone, really. He was terrified of what he would hear; terrified of hearing the disappointment in their voices; terrified that the slight nudge would be more than enough to knock him off his precarious equilibrium.

And he would be falling, falling, falling; ending up as a splat on the foot of a building. There would be no turning back.

Kevin didn’t want to die.

But he didn’t want to continue living this life either.

It was suffocating, being trapped in this messed-up reality which was his life.

He couldn’t breathe.

“Kevin.”

Kevin was drowning. That would be one of the worse ways to go, in Kevin’s opinion.

Fuck.

What if Kevin was wrong about God being nothing but bullshit? What if Kevin ends up in Hell?

What if HE was also there...in Hell with Kevin, for eternity? Him and his sickening smirk, his rotten breath, and his hands.

Hhis hands. The strong hands that threw Kevin around like he weighed nothing. The rough hands that held Kevin down with ease, even as he was kicking and pushing with all his might.

A hand fell onto his shoulders.

Kevin made a scared sound.

The hand left his shoulder immediately.

“Okay, okay!”

“Is he alright?”

Kevin opened his eyes, to the lights of the platform. With his sight blurred by the tears, he just saw shapes swirling in front of him.

It was making him feel sick.

Kevin blinked the tears away, and Connor’s face became defined.

He was kneeling in front of Kevin, who was sitting on a bench.

When the fuck did he get here?

“Are you back with me now?” Connor’s face was scrunched up in worry.

There were a few other commuters hovering around them.

“Do you need a medic, mate?” An unfamiliar face asked.

Too close!

Kevin flinched backwards, knocking his head painfully onto the cold, hard wall behind him. Fuck!

“Please give him some space,” Connor warned.

“Sure,” the man took a minuscule step back.

Kevin’s chest hurts, and he was getting light-headed.

“Deep breaths, Kevin,” Connor was using his Kevin’s-breaking-down voice.

What was-

Oh.

That wheezing, gasping noise was coming from inside him.

The man hovered closer, “Are you asthmatic or something?”

“Hey really,” Connor held up a hand between the man and Kevin, “We’re okay for now. Thanks.”

Kevin did need help, but maybe not from the intruding stranger, who wasn’t taking Connor’s hint. He focused on the edge of the metal bench which his fingers were gripping. The cold, sharp metal which was biting into his palm.

Deep breaths. Got it.

Kevin counted the seconds between the trains pulling up at the platform and then leaving, after unloading its passengers.

It felt like hours, before Kevin was able to take in a proper breath.

Sweet, sweet oxygen.

His hands ached. So did his lungs, and his head.

“Are you tourists?” The man continued hanging around, while the rest of the crowd had dispersed, after seeing that Kevin wasn't going to die right there in the tube station.

“The hospital’s just ‘round the corner from here. I can show you where.”

Connor shifted to put himself between Kevin and the overtly-helpful stranger, “I know, we just came from there. Thanks,” Connor let out an audible breath of relief, “Okay now?”

Kevin nodded slowly. He was drained. His limbs felt like lead, and his eyes were threatening to close.

“Well then, if you two are alright, I’d better hop onto this train,” The man finally left them alone.

“Thanks man,” Connor waved politely, and turned back to Kevin, “You’re really that averse to marrying me, huh?” He tried to make light of the situation.

Kevin opened his mouth, and then closed it.

“It’s fine, Kev. We don’t need to talk about it now,” Connor stood up from the ground, “And I’m sorry, for pushing. It was stupid. I'm a dumbass.”

Kevin shook his head slightly. It was all that he could manage.

Connor held out a hand for Kevin when the next train arrived. Kevin mustered up enough energy to pull himself off the bench.

It felt like moving through molasses. He would’t even mind the filth if he was allowed to doze off right there on the floor of the train.

“Twenty minutes more, and you can sleep, alright?” Connor encouraged softly, one arm snaked around Kevin’s waist, and other holding on to the handgrip.

Connor’s arm were the only thing holding Kevin upright in the crowded cabin. There were too many people around him, the feeling of breathlessness was threatening to overwhelm him again.

“It’s fine, Kev. I’m here. I’ll always be here,” Connor said into Kevin’s ear, “I know you don’t believe me when I say this, I’ll say it until you do. I’m not going to stop until you believe me.”

Kevin clutched onto Connor like a lifeline, burying his face into Connor’s neck. Kevin was never one for public displays of affection, but he was too weary to care what other people thought of them. It was comforting to feel safe in Connor’s arms again.

It has been a while. He had been mentally preparing himself for when Connor leaves him. But after seeing how Connor was still there for Kevin, even after Kevin had refused Connor’s proposal rudely in front of an audience; made him hopeful.

Maybe Connor wasn’t going to leave.

Maybe Kevin was going to marry Connor after all.


	20. Chapter 20

It was Christmas Eve.

Connor and Kevin were left at home, as his parents took off first thing in the morning to get fresh produce for their Christmas dinner.

“I’m actually quite nervous to be honest,” Connor rubbed his hands together.

Miraculously, the both of them managed to scrap together enough money, to buy a last minute ticket for Jack to visit over Christmas. Apparently, flight prices are the lowest on Christmas Day itself. It was not surprising, since everyone would be home with their families on Christmas day.

“Huh?” Kevin’s head was still buried in his textbook.

“What if your brother doesn’t like me?” Connor didn’t really remember what Jack Price was like.

Everyone was aware that the Prices had five children, but Kevin was the only one whom everyone knew. The model child. Every so often, Connor would spot the younger Prices following Kevin’s lead as he helped out around the Church, but they never strayed far from their brother, and were never as outspoken and loud as Kevin was.

Kevin scoffed, “Jack? Eh,” he waved in dismissal, “He’s just an idiot. Did I tell you about the time when the idiot almost killed our baby sister?”

“What?! What happened?”

Connor could see the glint of amusement in Kevin’s eyes as he recounted the story.

“We were about nine or ten, and the twins were three.”

“We had bunk beds in our room, and Jack was playing tug-o-war with Elsie on the top bunk. Which was a stupid enough idea. But being the colossal idiot that he is, he let go of the blanket, and Elsie toppled over the railings and fell off.”

“Oh em gosh,” Connor gasped.

Kevin sighed, “She was fine, I caught her. Broke my arm though.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah...Jack’s a dumbass,” Kevin’s tone was affectionate, despite the insult, “We both got grounded for fourteen days after that.”

“You never told me you’ve broken your arm before,” Connor traced a finger along Kevin’s arm. There wasn’t any obvious scars to be seen.

“Told you, I’ve gotten hurt plenty,” Kevin sighed, “Don’t worry about Jack, alright? He’s harmless. Now, shooo. I need to study.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

Connor was banished to his own room after Kevin claimed that he was too distracting.

It was entertaining to watch Kevin study. He would talk to himself and gesture wildly to himself, which made Connor laugh, and that in turn made Kevin annoyed.

He was laid across his bed, scrolling through social media, when an unfamiliar number called.

“Hello?”

“Is this Connor McKinley? I am Jean, with the admissions department at the Royal Central school of Speech and Drama.”

Connor’s heart sped up, “Umm…Yeah, I’m Connor.”

“Sorry to be calling on Christmas Eve, but well, we sent you an email about a month ago, it must have gotten lost in your spam folder.”

Uh oh.

Connor reached for his laptop.

“Anyway, we would like to offer you a place in our musical theatre BA program, and we need to know if you would like to accept the offer?”

“Yes!” Connor yelled triumphantly, “Yes!”

The lady on the other end of the line laughed, “Okay. Good to know. If you could log into the portal and help us check the ‘accept offer’ box, that would be very much appreciated.”

“Okay, yeah. I will,” Connor let out a breath, “Thank you so much!”

“No problem. Have a great Christmas.”

“You too!”

Connor burst into Kevin’s room.

Kevin jumped, "Jesus!"

Connor pulled Kevin off his chair and started twirling him around, “Guess who just got into Central!”

“Ummm…The crazy person who is forcing me to dance with him?” Kevin was amused.

“Dang right!” Connor gave Kevin a kiss on his cheek.

Kevin grinned, “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Connor kissed him again, “Should we go out for lunch to celebrate?”

"Oh," Kevin’s face fell, “I really need to-”

“No, no. It’s fine, we can do it another time.”

“I’m sorry. We can go out tomorrow,” Kevin suggested, “When Jack is here, after I finished these two chapters.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

“Knock knock.”

“Come in.”

“Food delivery,” Connor held up their lunch.

Anthony smiled and leaned back in his office chair, “That’s quick! I’ll rate you four stars.”

“What! Where did the last star go?”

Anthony shrugged, “Nobody’s perfect, Connor McKinley, not even you.”

“Guess who’s going to have to go hungry this afternoon,” Connor pulled the sandwich out of Anthony's grasp.

“Thanks, for agreeing to have lunch with me, and bringing said lunch all the way to my doorstep,” Anthony smiled.

Connor snorted, “How’s your day going?” He took a big bite of his own turkey ham sandwich.

Anthony was about to answer, before he laughed, “You’ve got a little-, hold still,” He reached out with a napkin and wiped the tip of Connor’s nose with it, “mustard.”

Connor’s heart did a flip flop in his chest, “Uh…Thanks.”

“Well, I’m working on Christmas Eve. What do you think?” Anthony huffed.

“Sucks to be you.”

“It certainly does. But then you called, turned my morning around with your awesome news,” Anthony grinned.

Connor ducked his head down, “Thanks.”

“So,” Anthony spoke through his chewing, “How was your week? You never did answer my question of which historical figure would you bring back from the dead?”

That was the message Connor had received the night after his dinner date with Kevin, while Connor was lying in bed, full of guilt and way too much alcohol.

“Sorry, been a busy week. Had some sort of a crisis at home,” Connor sighed, "Had too much to drink, did something stupid."

Anthony frowned in concern, “Oh no. It isn’t something serious I hope?”

Connor shook his head and took a big bite out of his sandwich. He didn’t want to talk about that.

Anthony followed up with his own story instead, “There was once I got so drunk, I ended up in Edinburgh the next morning.”

“Seriously?” Connor chuckled.

“Turned out drunk-me missed my ex-boyfriend.”

“He was from Scotland?” Connor asked, intrigued.

Anthony nodded, “We went to uni together. And then he returned home to set up his own practice in a small rural town up north. He wanted me to join him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave my life in London.”

“That’s why you broke up?”

“He was stubborn, I was stubborn, we couldn’t find a compromise so…,” Anthony shrugged, “Relationships are hard.”

Connor agreed, “Yeah, tell me about it.”

“But you and Kevin seemed to have the whole thing figured out,” Anthony commented.

Connor’s smile dimmed, “Not even close.”

“You’re quite the lucky chap, aren’t you? Kevin followed you all the way here to London.”

“It’s…yeah, I guess I am.”

“You’re a great guy too,” Anthony shook his head and took a deep breath, “And you know as well as I do, that I like you, Connor.”

Anthony paused, “Wait, you know that, right?”

“I know,” Connor admitted.

“I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone since Ed.”

“You know how my schedule is. It’s hard for people like me to find time to meet new people. It’s even harder to find someone I really like.”

Connor wasn’t expecting Anthony to be so forthcoming with his feelings.

“Anthony…,” Connor cleared his throat, “I have a boyfriend.”

What did Anthony expect?

“Yeah…Wrong time, wrong place, and all that, right?” Anthony smiled sadly, “Well, I’ll settle for being your friend for now.”

Connor stared awkwardly at the table, “I’m sorry.”

“No no, it’s nobody’s fault.”

“I’m not leaving Kev,” Connor wanted to make it extra clear, that he was not leading Anthony on.

“Technically, I still have a shot until you’re officially married.”

“I’m just kidding,” Anthony added hastily.

Connor confessed, “I proposed to Kevin yesterday.”

Anthony’s eyes widened in surprise, “Congratulations. When’s the wedding?”

He was smiling, but Connor could tell that he was crushed. Just like Connor was, when Kevin had stormed out of the cafe.

“There’s not going to be a wedding, he didn’t say yes.”

Anthony gaped, “Oh, dear. Connor, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“We’re okay. I just picked the worst timing possible, plus I did it for all the wrong reasons,” Connor blew out a breath.

“That sounds rough,” Anthony smiled sympathetically.

“It’s been a rough week.”

“Need a listening ear?”

Connor shook his head lightly, “I’m fine. Relationships ARE hard.”

 

~o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o~

 

When Connor got back to the house, his parents were already preparing for dinner in the kitchen. Kevin was helping to chop the vegetables for his mother’s famous casserole.

“Congratulations, Connor!” His father handed him a bag of prawns, and slipped out of the kitchen, “Now, make yourself useful.”

“Gerald!” Connor’s mother lamented while giving Connor a hug, “Always so lazy. I’m so happy for you, Con!”

“Thanks, mom,” Connor started peeling the prawns, beside Kevin.

“Make sure you leave the heads on, hon,” His mother instructed.

Kevin nudged him, “Went out for a walk?”

Connor stared at the prawn in his hand. Should he tell the truth? Should he lie? Kevin had said that he didn’t mind, but Kevin also said a lot of things which he didn’t mean.

“Yep, went out for lunch,” Connor nodded.

Hopefully, Kevin would stop prodding.

“Where?”

Connor could tell that Kevin was not intending to catch Connor in a lie or anything, he was just making conversation. And Connor just couldn’t bring himself to lie.

“At the hospital.”

Kevin threw him a frown.

“With Anthony,” Connor found himself explaining further, “He had a two-hour lunch break today, stuck doing tons of paperwork. Asked me if I could help bring lunch to his office.”

Kevin nodded slowly, “Oh.”

“He told me that he liked me,” Connor couldn’t stop talking.

“He what?!”

Connor put his hand up, “And then I told him that I’m with you. That it wasn’t going to happen.”

Kevin hummed, pushing the pieces of carrot into a pot with the knife.

Connor moved closer to Kevin, “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad? You’re free to have lunch with your friends,” Kevin gave a small smile.

Connor saw passed the well-practiced smile, it wasn’t a genuine smile.

“Yes. He is just a friend. Nothing more,” Connor promised, for the hundredth time. It was getting exhaustingly repetitive.

When Kevin had left the kitchen momentarily to grab something, Connor’s mother poked at his shoulder with her finger, “What trouble have you gotten yourself into? Who is this Anthony guy?”

Connor rolled his eyes, “He was Kevin’s physiotherapist. We had a few get-togethers, and now we’re friendly. And no, I’m not in any trouble.”

“Sounded like you are.”

“No, I’m not!”

“Kevin doesn’t like the guy very much, does he?”

“Nah. He just- I don’t know. He doesn’t mind.”

His mother pursed her lips, “Is that what Kevin said?”

“Yeah. We’re good, mom. Kevin’s fine. And I’m not going to hurt Kevin like that.”

She tapped at his hand, “You better not. I’d like to think that I’ve raised you better than that.”

“You have. I’m not a cheater.”

Connor would never!


End file.
